I shared this message at our Wednesday night church service a few weeks ago.
Two weeks ago at Crossfire I had mentioned the joy that I had that I was able to visit my good friends' baby Ethan at the hospital the day he was born. (Josh & Jenna also struggled with infertility and we did our IVf at the same place, etc.) Pastor John mentioned something to the effect that we would be sharing in that joy some time soon... At that point I lost it...throughout that 40 minute service all I could do is cry... It wasn’t that I didn’t believe it…it was just that we were so close to having all of that joy…
I soon as the service let out I drove to the cemetery. I laid down on the ground next to Eleanna's grave and just sobbed. I just needed to get it all out... It was so odd how comfortable; how soft the ground felt...like a feather bed. At that point I knew God was with me... it wasn't long and I stopped crying... I had my IPod in hand and was playing the song “Blessings” by Laura Story… The main line of the chorus states…”what if you blessing come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a 1000 sleepless nights are it takes to know you you’re here…” I got up and looked to the sky and asked God "Why?" I hadn't really done that before. I think it was because I was afraid to…
At that moment thoughts of all those years of the sadness of infertility flooded over me. For five years I grieved for my chances at Motherhood. I grieved for relationships with friends that were fading away. I grieved for my happiness lost in wondering “would I ever be a Mother.” I felt so lost, alone and that maybe I was being punished somehow. If I was not to be a Mother that what am I supposed to be? Five years endured the feeling of having your heart ripped out time and time again. I’m not going to lie it was awful; Far worse than the grief of loosing my child has been.
Then, thoughts quickly went to all the joy I felt the moment I held Eleanna. I had received a precious gift that I had prayed for, for so long. I also thought of those that will never feel that kind of joy. To see your own creation...so beautiful, so perfect... I am so blessed to have had all of those moments of Motherhood. To see a positive pregnancy test, to see a beautiful beating heart on the ultrasound, to hear strong heart beating, to feel her kicking me. To wish that this didn’t happen would take all of that away… I know that I would probably feel differently if we had not had our struggles with infertility. Matthew 5:4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”
In the weeks since Eleanna went to heaven there are many sayings & signs that have brought me comfort. One saying in particular came to me when I really needed it. “The sorrow I have from losing you does not over shadow the joy I have from being able to love you.” I have also seen more that 5 rainbows in five weeks. I saw the first one in the first days after I went back to work…When I saw it I just stood outside our office crying. I knew that future would be better. For many who have had a loss their next baby is called their Rainbow…
I also was flooded over with the feeling that God is in control that evening in the Cemetery. I remembered those who I have met and will meet on this journey. In the few days after Eleanna’s passing I met many more Mother’s and Fathers of Angels both online & in person. One that comes to mind is Eleanor’s mother. Eleanor passed away from a cord accident at full term on June 29th her Mother and I bonded over our Baby’s names and our conversation quickly included our faith and how we are at a turning point. We have both helped each other come to the conclusion when something like this happens you can either crawl in the hole a die along with your baby or you can accept that your child is safe in the arms of Jesus and waiting for you & move forward to achieve your earthy dreams, and help others along the way. In order to do this we would have to give up all the control to God. Again this is not an easy thing, but when you realize that you can survive a heart wrenching loss it somehow is easier. I think that JOB 21:25 sums it up pretty well. “Others die bitter and bereft, never getting a taste of happiness.” Our conversations included the thoughts that those who have had the most hardships are often are the most inspirational… We also discussed the book “Heaven is For Real” and how it was such a gift to us. If you haven’t read this book…it’s a quick easy read… It will warm your heart and reminds you that heaven is a reward and dying is most certainly not the end.
I also met Mike and Theresa their precious baby shares her birthday with Eleanna. She was born in the room next to me. Theresa was in labor for 4 days knowing that her baby would be born an Angel… Just another example that I was not alone… There have been others, even here in this room. Your love and hope that you were able to give to me has to be part of the reason…
Some might ask why if so many prayed for you and your baby why did Eleanna sill pass away? I believe whole heartedly that our prayers were heard. I felt so much comfort in those most scary times. In the hardest moments I could still feel the joy of holding our child. Because of your prayers we were and are completely surrounded by God’s love.
I believe that at least another part of reason for all of this is for those left behind to know that we are not alone. We need each other. We are bound by our hardships to give each other HOPE. We are hand picked by God to execute his Grace to those we meet; Sometimes even many years after the loss.
Moving forward I have come to a realization that you can fully accept what God has given you with out liking it. I have fully accepted that our journey to having children is difficult. Do I like it or do I think it is fair…absolutely not. I have accepted this because I know I am not alone. I have accepted it because I now see that infertility allowed me to see Joy in a very sad situation. I have accepted this burden because I have seen my self used to give God’s grace to others. I thank God for this gift of understating, And at least part of my answer to WHY?
John 16:33 “I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakeable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” I have first hand have felt that assurance and peace.
I know that there are many who have had to deal with of loss...some, many times over. Weather it be a baby, health, a spouse, friends, family… I know that some gave up and have regrets. I know that there are many that NEVER gave up and now have children on this earth, happiness & a longer life. I find the most comfort in not giving up Hope.
I had Pastor John read this verse at Eleanna’s service Lamentations is kind an often forgotten chapter…
Lamentations 3:19-36
The Message (MSG)
It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God
19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.
28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.
31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
This verse has been marked in my bible for over 2 years. It has really helped me hold on to Hope. The other tool that has really helped me through these days is my iPod filled with songs. Many that we sing here at Crossfire. They fill up those silent moments when doubts and sadness can creep in.
Also I have several books that have been on my reading list recently. One is one year book of Hope by Nancy Gutherie…
Your comfort, cards, caring words, hugs, payers and thoughts have all sustained me in this difficult time of “cultivation”. Despite how much we may fear it we all are due for a “spiritual shake up from time to time.” What becomes of it can be a wondrous thing to be a part of…
I want so much to be pregnant again; to be part of creating another miracle with God... I now know that he is in charge of it all. There are moments…even right now that I am impatient. I am terrible at waiting for God’s plan to come to fruition. I know that God loves me so much he will not leave me whatever comes our way with the next IVF and hopefully, pregnancy. But maybe even more than that I’m excited to see what this deeper faith will bring my way. I'm so excited about what the future holds. I’m certain he’s not finished with me yet.
Ever since that day in the cemetery… The tears have been fewer. The aching in my heart is almost gone... I know that fully giving it all up to God had done that for me. It was not easy and is not easy. Each day brings a new challenge. I always felt that I was in control of at least part of this life...silly me… I now have a better understanding...
For those of you still in the midst of hardships...don't give up. For those of you who have had to say good bye too soon…don’t give up. For those of you who may be due for a spiritual “shake up” don’t be afraid of it, embrace it, & maybe, if you are really brave… even seek it out… It is in this journey that you will find the most comfort if you believe in God's love and Grace... Hold tight to it...and when worries, disappointments, and sadness start to creep in... hold tight to the little blessings you've had along the way...
