Oh come let us adore him...

I'm not going to deny it... Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year for me...

I love the baking, the gift giving, the card making, the time with family...

This year I wasn't going to put up a tree. We just hadn't gotten around to cutting one with the weather and Todd plowing snow. And, I just wasn't into it...

In the mean time...Todd sister said she'd like to come to our house for our family's Christmas... It was crunch time and I has to decorate... One good thing about waiting till the 18th of December to decorate...everything was 50% off. We got a nice "fake" tree...it's one of the skinny ones and it looks great. I also got 2 smaller trees for on top of our entertainment center. It all looks fun and festive. I'll be making prime rib on New Year's day for our "Christmas" we will be going sledding with our nephew... It should be another great time with family...

The above picture is of the same nativity that I have. I leave it up all year. It's on top of a hutch and it is not in the way, but it is a nice reminder of the greatest gift of Christmas. God love in the flesh... I would suppose that yuletide cheer pales in comparison. When I start to think about the whole reason for the season...it helps... What doesn't is all the talk of Christmas is just for the kids, etc...

As we start the new year Todd and I will be going through IVF treatments. Hopefully, it will only take one time. At this point I feel so blessed that we will be able to do it. I know first hand that even those who have insurance cannot afford the opportunity. We have had to make some big sacrifices to get to this point, cashing in vacation time, scrimping and saving, asking relatives, etc... Either way this works out...I'm at peace knowing that we did all we could. If the answer is no...we'll be sad, disappointed & frustrated, but at peace living as a family of 2. I know that adoption could be an option for us, but I'm just not feeling that it's where God is leading us. If it was I would be open to it, but until that point we're not.

Blessings for 2011!

Sometimes it all seems so trivial...

On Friday a blog that I frequent for awesome card ideas announced that her husband passed away after a very short battle with cancer. She has so much faith and hope for God plans for her and her young sons. She is truly and inspiration. My god bless her in the coming days and may she feel the comfort for the holy spirit as she grieves the loss of her best friend, partner and father of her children.

If you want to visit her blog:

http://paperpleasing.typepad.com/my_weblog/

It's at times like this that makes me so glad that we are healthy and together. Life can be so short and I hate to feel like I'm wasting it on unattainable dreams...

Window Shopping for HOPE...

Over the past 2 day 2 fellow IF'ers @ Can I walk with you... and @ Beckie's Infertility Journey have written about browsing in the baby sections of stores dreaming about being able to make purchases.

Above is a picture of a diaper bag that I covet... It is uber expensive and not anywhere near my price range, but I love the way it looks. Love how it reminds me of Marry Poppins bag... I can't help, but drool every time an e-mail comes in abotu their outlet sales...and the bags are a bit less expensive.

I also find myself dreaming when I'm looking at pottery barn kids...there too is not in our price range wither, but I figure is you are going to dream...dream big... And, it's not like I do this with just the baby stuff it's other things too...I don't know how many random items are in internet shopping bags across the net with my name on them...

But, I never put the baby things in there...when it comes to the baby items I am strictly just looking...I have a strict policy about no baby stuff at my house. It was a big stretch for me to buy a glider rocking chair at a garage sale. There have been many times that I have resisted to buy baby things especially when I see them on clearance for just a few dollars... In the first few months on TTC I saw this adorable blanket in the clearance isle for something like $2.00...I really wanted to buy it...but, I resisted...I figured...you get so many of those things when you have a baby shower...and you said no baby stuff in your house till you get a BFP....now here I am getting closer to 5 years later...I'm glad I didn't buy the blanket...it would be in some closet...I just know I'd come upon it and cry...cry because I may never have a baby to use it...cry because it's been in there so long...

Unfortunately, I think part of me did bring that blanket home that day...I still think about it all the time...I can tell you what color it was and how it exactly looked...it's still there kind of haunting or taunting me...

Not that this looking is all bad...sometimes it gives me hope. I look around at all the baby stuff and think yes I will be making a purchase for my baby someday.

I really had big hopes for this year. It started off good with us making the decision to go to the reproductive endocrinologist, but as things progressed we have realized that IVF/ICSI is really our only/best option for having a biological child from the two of us.

I've tried so hard and prayed so much about what we should do...and nothing is making me feel like it's the right thing to do. I want adoption to be an option for us, but at this point the thought it only is making me angry at God. It makes me feel like why God would you want us to adopt when I have such a desire not only to be a Mom, but to also have a pregnancy...why would you let this other person get pregnant if her child is meant for us...

Blah...

At this point I'm just and feeling down. I just don't feel like doing anything...I just feel like things are never going to change for us. I feel like maybe we should just get used to the way our life is and move on...but, as I am typing this it's making me cry, so I don't know...

Sunday I went to a water park with some friends and their 3 little boys 5,4 & 3. We had a very fun time and I was not sad all day. I had a great time and I loved it... Next week I will be going on a little vacation with my Brother, SIL and my niece. I'm sure that this will be a great time too.

My husband has been a coach for Jr. Tackle football (5th & 6th graders) for the last 15 years. He has now moved on to be the defense coach for the Jr. High team. I am excited for him, but I can't help but think of all the years I sat watching all his other games watching Mom's with babies in their strollers thinking next year this will be me...now that's never going to happen...

I just want this to be over one way or another...I'm so tired of waiting...

So little to say...

I don't have much to say right now. I had a wonderful Birthday spent with family and friends. My "big" gift was a Wii...I know seriously, how old am I? But, I do love it...I'm totally addicted to Mario brothers...

I have to say that I've been a bit down in the dumps...not because I turned the big 30, but because that's how it is with milestones these days. They all keep reminding me how long I have been waiting. At my party there was as many kids as there were adults...it can be so hard, but I am glad they were there...

I started reading the book eat, pray, love with the hopes that I finish it before the movie leaves the theater... So many things ring true in this book with how I feel myself...you know the whole feeling lost it this great big world...

These pictures are from my hometown...I live here now. We only had about 12" of water in our basement and I feel very fortunate. I have seen Pearl City flood 3 times in my 30 years and this by far is the worst flooding ever. We had over 14" of rain in a 2 day period. This is a link to an article in our local paper:

http://www.journalstandard.com/features/x1419036729/Area-farmers-reeling-amid-major-f-loods?photo=0

Pearl City, IL is a small town of about 1000 people our pride is our school, and fortunately, it has been spared. This is the kind of place that draws you in because people care about other often more than themselves. I grew up here and each year more and more of my 50 highschool classmates come "home" to raise their families. It's funny how life does that some times...in highschool all anyone can talk about is getting out of this town. We go to college and spend a few years away and then come back home...

Please pray for our sweet little town. Homeowners here are unable to get flood insurance because Pearl City is not in a flood plain. We are told that our area has been considered a disaster area and make us able to receive emergency aid from the government, but with the state of IL on the verge of bankruptcy it may take years for anyone to receive their benefits.

Kaboom Playground...

Saturday, July 17th Todd and I helped build this playground for the kids in the westview housing projects. It felt so great to help the more than 200 kids who live here. Many have parents who won't or don't take the time to take them to a park. Now they can safely just go out their doors and play on this awesome playground. It felt so great to give just one day to help.

Kaboom is a non for profit organization who's goal is to have a park within walking distance of every child in America. If they are building in you neighborhood I encourage you to help.

To myself at 40...

I got the idea for this post Jamie over at Sticky Feet. Check out her blog...love her, & her cute kiddos'...

This month I will turn 30. After Jamie's inspiration it only seems fitting that I try and write a similar letter at this turning point in my life. While I am a bit envious of Jamie's knowing that her family is complete I still think that it's a good idea to put this down on paper.

Dear Rachel-

At this point you are 40. Wow, I can only imagine what life is like. At this point there are still a lot of unanswered questions in your life that I hope have been answered. Either way I hope that your faith has been strengthened and that you believe that you are on the path God has chosen for you.

I hope that you take a little time to be thankful for your many blessings. I'm sure that these last 10 years have also been met with heartaches. I'm sure that Grandpa Earl and Grandma Parkinson are gone now. I'm sure that you feel so blessed to have had them in your life for so long.

Don't loose sight of your inner creativity. Making crafts brings you such joy and I would only expect that to continue. I hope that you are taking the time to travel and spend time with your friends and family who have been through it all with you. I hope you have made new friends along the way. I hope that you have been on a fishing trip with Todd, Dad and Steve. Always remember how much Todd loves you and how much you love him. He has been your strength throughout all that you have been through and will go through.

Don't give up your love of children no matter how your infertility journey continues. I know how hard it has been recently I can only hope that all of this ends in joy, but if it doesn't you must find joy elsewhere. Do your best not to be bitter about what could have been.

If you are a Mom... Remember to say yes as much as you say no. Give advise freely to your kid(s) and tell them why you feel this way. Encourage them to have big dreams and lots of them since we all know some will have to be "scrapped"... Hug them and thank God for them everyday. Always remember how difficult it was for them to be here when they are being naughty and don't listen.

Pray every day. Not just for your self, but others too. Strive to be less judgmental and more helpful even to those who seem helpless. Never loose your child like attitude, blow bubbles, color in coloring books, jump in the pool...

With love and sincerity....

Rachel

my Wordle...

Get your own Werdle.

Do you know what it feels like...

Lately I have added a few more to my Blog Roll... I find great hope in those who are going through the same trials... I makes me feel like I'm not odd or going mental or something.

This amazing perspective was posted by Beckie. Take a look...

Moving forward...

Yesterday I called UW and updated my cycle...

We will be trying at least one more natural IUI... Had I called earlier I would have probably tried the femara, but since I was past CD 3 there was no point in it...

I'm sorry if my last post had a bad tone...but, sometimes you just have to get all those feelings (you know the ones that you're not supposed to talk about cause it's not nice...) out there so I can move on.

After this cycle we'll see what happens and go from there...after reading some re-search IUI is considered successful if pregnancy occurs any time in 1-6 attempts...so, I feel giving the at least 1 more attempt is warranted...

Sometimes it's good we remember that we are not alone in struggle for infertile couples the book of Job often comes up...

Job 6:10-12 (The Message)

Pressed Past the Limits

^8-13 "All I want is an answer to one prayer,
a last request to be honored:
Let God step on me—squash me like a bug,
and be done with me for good.
I'd at least have the satisfaction
of not having blasphemed the Holy God,
before being pressed past the limits.
Where's the strength to keep my hopes up?
What future do I have to keep me going?
Do you think I have nerves of steel?
Do you think I'm made of iron?
Do you think I can pull myself up by my bootstraps?
Why, I don't even have any boots

Job 11:13 (The Message)

Reach Out to God

^13-20 "Still, if you set your heart on God
and reach out to him,
If you scrub your hands of sin
and refuse to entertain evil in your home,
You'll be able to face the world unashamed
and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.
You'll forget your troubles;
they'll be like old, faded photographs.
Your world will be washed in sunshine,
every shadow dispersed by dayspring.
Full of hope, you'll relax, confident again;
you'll look around, sit back, and take it easy.
Expansive, without a care in the world,
you'll be hunted out by many for your blessing.
But the wicked will see none of this.
They're headed down a dead-end road
with nothing to look forward to—nothing."

Sometimes I think that you have to loose it all to gain it all...if you have everything then what is there to hope in God for?

I just don't know how I feel...

I would suppose that sad, mad, disappointed, jealous, tired, emotional, alone, apprehensive, confused and loved would sum it up...

I know very well that our odds of this IUI working were very small...but, it was possible...I gave in to my better judgement and let my self hope a little too much...

Now the problem is that I don't know what to do...do we try this again or save up for IVF? Or, do we talk/ think more about using a donor?

Of course it doesn't help either that AF shows up in all her glory with cramps and heavy flow...

I haven't had the heart to come out and say officially to Todd that it didn't work, but I think he knows...

I hate that it's me who know first can't I be broken the news gently...nope, I'm for the like 50th time find out that I am not going to be a mother with cramping, bloating and the mess of it all...

Yep, instead of getting to make my husband his first Father's day card I get to stock up on maxi pads and tampons...whoo hoo...oh and I almost forgot I also had to make a trip to the baby department to get a gift for my best friends second baby...fun times...

I'm sorry for all the venting, but I just had to get that all out there...

I was reminded today of this verse...and I try so hard to remember...but, it's hard...hard because I am not certain what God is asking...

Lamentation 3:20-24

I will never forget this awful time,

as I grieve over my loss.

²¹ Yet I still dare to hope

when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

His mercies never cease.

²³ Great is his faithfulness;

his mercies begin afresh each morning.

²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;

therefore, I will hope in him!”

The beginning of an emotional week...

So, I am 98% sure that this past IUI will not result in a BFP...

My best friend Courtney is due to deliver her second child any day now...

We are doing a total re-vamp of our financial situation...

Seriously, can I just catch a break?

I've been really good about not letting this all get to me..., but at this point it seems that I must either cry about the situation or be a "nasty witch" of a person who I don't even like.

I was really hoping that this might be our time. It was nice to think the very real possibility that this was it...for like a whole week I was happy and more optimistic that I had ever been in a long time.

At this point I just don't know what our next step should be. Another, IUI with or without clomid, or IVF...which we won't have the $$$ saved up for about 10 months...or do nothing at all...and move on...

I just wish God would let me know what I should do...at this point...I feel like I am taking 1 step forward and more steps back. I have faith that good things will happen for us but, why does it have to be so hard. How many more times do I have to visit babies at the hospital before I get to have one of my own? Don't get me wrong I love my life. I love my family, but can't help but want more. I'm not sure that I will ever really feel complete without having my own child...even if this road leads us to adoption/fostering I don't know that I'll ever feel "whole"...it is even very possible that if we are able to have a child through IVF that I will be "over it"...

I'm dealing with all of this pretty well but at times I'm still mad...mad that I can't just go off the pill and get pregnant within 3-6 months...I'm mad that I have to "deal with this"...I'm also sad...sad that I feel this way...sad that I just can't believe...sad that I can't always just not think about it...just when I feel that I whole heartedly do believe...I doubt...

Our life in fragments...

Well, despite our best efforts and expensive supplements...our DNA fragmentation got worse...

At this point our best chance for having a child would be IVF...

We are still going ahead with trying the IUI but with a 1.5% chance of it working I'm not too hopeful...

We are now working to re-structure our debts to see if we will be able to somehow squeeze the funds out of our already tapped out budget...I hate the stress of all of this...

"Mother's Day...continued"

For interfiles I suppose that we can take this day on several different tangents. For me I have always (even before IF) had feelings that mother's day is for my Mom and Grandma...

Last year, was a bit harder since my Mom was on vacation for Mother's Day and we went to a local restaurant and they were giving cake and a flower to all the mothers...they put me on the spot and asked if I was a mother...I had to decline...

That stung a little but, I got over it by telling my self maybe next year...

So here I am at next year...I did not go to church...I knew that the kids choir would be singing a rendition of "you are my sun shine" or some other I love you Mom song...and I just don't think that my poor little heart could take it...

Oh well this too shall pass...each year this IF stuff gets easier, but at the same time it makes me worried...worried that it doesn't hurt so much...like it means that it's not going to happen so become at peace with it...

A couple of weeks ago in Sunday School we were talk about "aha" moments when you know God is telling you you are on the right path or this is the path you should be on...I ask how do you know when you have doubts that you are on the right path weather or not it is God telling you to "do something else" or "just be patient" or if is the devil trying to sneak his way in a ruin "the plan"...

My one friend who know's my struggle said that she prays that God will not make it (what I going through) hurt so much if it not meant to be...since then I've wondered if since I'm not feeling so bad is this not meant to be?

But, then I think no...I think that I just have a "thicker skin" when it comes to this stuff...not that it doesn't hurt it just doesn't hurt as much (meanig that I'm not bawling my eyes out weekly) or when things hurt they just hurt that much more...

Mother's Day

“Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,

for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she works hard for just a chance,

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,and yet she still has hope;

everyday is another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

I found this on Tiffany's blog...

She is truly an inspiration.

Thanks

What IF I hadn't had fertility issues?

I would have a 3 year old.

I would possibly be pregnant with #2.

I wouldn't be in church so much.

I wouldn't have my dog Holly.

I wouldn't have experienced Stampin' Up! Convention in 2008.

I wouldn't have made such great friends.

I would be having play dates instead of nights out with the hubby.

I may not have realized how perfect that my husband is for me.

I wouldn't have been there for others with infertility.

I wouldn't have read so many blogs.

I wouldn't have so many questions for GOD.

I wouldn't spend at least a little part of every day wondering if I will ever be a mother.

I'd be eligible to have cake at the local restaurant on Mother's Day.

I may not have cried so much.

I wouldn't be who I am today.

Book Sneeze Book...

I Just received my first book from Book Sneeze... I have to say that this is so much fun...

You sign up...get a FREE book....read it... and write a review on you blog...how fun is that?

My First selection is the book "Wild at Heart"by John Elredge and is more directed to the Christian man, but I am also finding it very enlightening...

Stay tuned for my complete review later this week or so.

Happy Monday!

Do you ever wonder or wish...

Milking "Bessie", 1900
It appears that this farm wife changed
into her "Sunday Best" clothes to have
this picture take.

Sometimes I really wish I had been born in another era...

Now I know that life was harder and mortality was shorter. But, I can't help but feel sometimes that I am in the wrong time frame. I have domestic skills taught to me by my parents that would go to much better use in a time gone by.

I can imagine my days starting with farm chores and making a hearty breakfast for my husband. We would go back to chores and daily tasks of washing, ironing, cleaning and such... I would make a lunch for our family and those helping... The evenings would be spent knitting, sewing and the like.

I'm sure that our IF would be harder too... So little was known about all of that...I would just be at church each week praying to God for a child...all the while thinking that I had done something to deserve this... All the while the town's folk talking behind our backs...saying it's such a shame...and then having unfortunate orphans given to us because we have the room...

Here in the present some may say it's a shame, no orphans have made it our doorstep and here we are 4 year into our loving marriage still praying to God for a child, Hope and Answers...

Now in these 4 years I have had some answers and still have Hope, but some days I still wonder are my hope futile? Are my dreams too big? Is the answer NO and am I just not hearing it...

A big week ahead...

I have to say that I'm meeting this coming week with a bit of apprehension...but, also a lot of joy and excitement too...

This week we will go in for our IUI at this point I'm feeling good about it...either way...

This week Todd turns the big 40...

This week is our 4th anniversary...

so maybe...this week I'll get pg and next year it just won't be the 2 of us celebrating all these things...

No road is without it's bumps...

I suppose that is almost always true...

For us it seems that insurance is another bump in the road...

As it stands now...there really won't be much difference in what we have to pay for this procedure, but it will affect our deductible...since, my insurance recently changed networks...

...with a lot of luck and many prayers we may not have to have another procedure...and this will work the first time...but, odds are not on our side...and I'm all about being realistic...

If this would not work then we will need to look into changing to a Dr. that is in network and there are just not that many choices out there...

I am trying my very best to be optimistic and I hope so much that this will work the first time, but experience tells me that it won't but, there is always a chance that it will...

IUI...

So, were are to be making a big step next month...

...IUI...

This will be a natural cycle...so, I will have to use OPK's and when a get a positive reading around CD 13-14 we will go to Madison for the procedure...then we wait for another 14 or so days to see if it worked...

Honestly, the actual wait is what has me more apprehensive than the procedure. Right now I'm trying to find a place where I can balance the hope that this will work with the very real possibility that it will not work...

Eventually you'll feel lucky...

This weekend we had attended a visitation (wake) for Todd's Aunt's (by marriage) father. Todd's cousin Jeremy was very sad...and rightly so. Being there brought thoughts back to my Grandpa Meiners' funeral and passing...

The fist thing that comes to me to tell him is that "soon you'll feel lucky"...and I asked if he "knew what I ment?" He said he did... That's the thing with grandparents that pass. Yes you are sad they are gone. Yes you miss them. You think of them when you see their picture or that gift they gave you as a child. But in the end what I've been left with is a feeling that I was so lucky to have them in my life. So lucky to share 7up on a Sunday night, or conversations of days gone by...

One would suppose that this would be true of most anyone's passing once you get past all of the regrets, sadness and mourning... Some take a long time to get there where others start out here.

All this makes me think in all of this that I'm going through...will I feel lucky...maybe...but, right now not so much...

Insurance...

So, last night I decided to tackle my insurance...

After over an hour on the phone. Things actually look better than I thought. I'm still waiting on the drug information, but it looks hopeful that we may be covered under medical for meds.

Of course I am finding this out now as our plan year comes to a close in March; which means the deductible starts all over again.

I'm sure that if it's supposed to be then...we'll figure this out to.