More about what happened...

It all started a week ago...

I went to the bathroom a little after 4. I was having a bit of extra mucus discharge. I felt inside something just wasn't right. I call the Dr.'s office of course they are about to close for the day. I talked with the nurse. She thought it was nothing. But, made me an appointment for the next morning. Over the next few hours I had even convinced myself that it was nothing. I even called the answering service at the Dr. to cancel the appointment. Then I became more worried. So I re-nigged on canceling. I went to work in the morning. I was googling every possibility...it was not looking good.

I got to the Dr.'s office. He was running about an hour behind. We waited. I worried. The Dr. came in finally and examined me. It was as I suspected. I had dilated and my membranes were starting to emerge. Eleanna had a strong heartbeat. We were told to get to Rockford Memorial hospital right away. At this point I was still hopeful. I know that it is possible to "sew up the cervix" and hold the baby in.

Once we arrived they asked me all these questions, and about an hour later the Dr. came in. There were lots of tests to be run for infection before they could sew things up. We went in for an Ultrasound and Amniocentesis. During the ultrasound Eleanna was moving around a lot; her heartbeat was a strong 162 bpm. Since we were going through all of this we decided that we would find out that she was a girl. At that point both Todd and I broke down. It all so much more important that I/we do everything we could to save our precious daughter. I'm not going to the the amniocentesis was awful. It took 3 tries to get the fluid they needed to test for infection and chromosomal defects. But, I would have done it a million times if it meant she could have lived. Our pastor John was there as we came out of the ultrasound. What a comfort.

All afternoon we waited for test results. My WBC was up...not a good sign. I did have a badder infection. Which they believe caused me to dilate. The gave me an antibiotic shot to cure that quickly. As the day went on. We received results that there was no infection in the vaginal area which was great news. We were still waiting for results on the fluid. My Mom, Dad, Todd's Mom, Todd's cousin Jodi came to see us. I was feeling good that I was not having contractions and I could feel Eleanna moving. Fast forward to 10pm. They gave me a sleeping pill and I was ready to try and sleep for the night. Todd decided to go home and rest, get some things for a long stay and take our Dog Holly to his Grandpa's the next day. About 30 minutes later I decided to go to the bathroom for one last time for the night. I got up and just made it to the bathroom...my water broke... Shaking I pushed the nurse call button and kept saying hello, hello, finally someone answered. I said my water broke. I nurse named Angel came in. She sat me down. Calmly, I told her "my baby's is going to heaven". She told me that may not be the case... She left the room for a minute. I prayed out loud god please give me strength and please keep Eleanna safe. At that moment I felt a lot of comfort. They brought in the Dr. and she did an ultrasound. Eleanna still had a strong heartbeat and there was still about 16 oz. of fluid around her. She was head down and hold the fluid in and building up more all the time. There was still hope. I called Todd to come back in. He had almost made it home.

The next morning Mom & Todd came back in. The results came back that there was no infection in the fluid. Excellent news. The plan was to be on bed-rest and keep Eleanna cooking. Most of Friday morning she was kicking me in the spot where the amniocentesis was done. It hurt, but was good at the same time. Megan & Steve came to visit later... After they and Todd left they tried to get Eleann's heartbeat. We thought we found it, but now I feel she was gone at that point...

Saturday, another Dr. comes in she basically tells the same thing and says that I do not have to use the bed pan and can go to the bathroom. That morning I have a bit of bleeding and lots of mucus. It really worried me, but the nurses did not seem too excited. About 12 pm I went to the bathroom. There was something coming out. The nurse feared it was Eleanna's cord. They brough in the Dr. and did and ultrasound. I could see before she said...Eleanna had no heartbeat. I held tight to Todd's hand... Our little girl was gone. All our hard work...all those shots...all those rides to Madison...all those tears... She was gone.

They explained how things would go. And left us to have a moment together. We called pastor. I called my Dad. That may have been the saddest thing. I cold hear him hit the floor as I told told him we lost our baby...he was sobbing. I told him it would be Ok... I asked if they could come, and said that we would be able to hold her and I wanted them here. They came.

They gave me 4 pills that started the labor. I prayed the whole time that she would come quickly and that there would be no complications. It took about 90 minutes... 90 minutes and my body had removed all there was of Eleanna. They placed her on my chest. We all cried. After a few minuted I opened the blanket and saw her adorable feet. So tiny and perfect. The exact size of my thumb. I held her tiny hand. Her hand looked like mine long, thin fingers... She was perfect. I passed her to Todd and he held her tiny body and sobbed. My Mom held her too. At that moment I knew my one prayer had been answered I am a Mom and Todd is a Daddy. I am so grateful for those moments that we got to be with her.

A little while later "the Haven" came in they placed her in a beautiful lavender colored bunting, a hand made tiny blanket and a tiny little hat. They took pictures of her. Beautiful pictures of her that we will have forever. For that I am so thankful.

My best friend Courtney came later that evening. She brought me all that I needed including conversation, hugs & love. I'm so blessed to have a life long friend in her.

As a felt her weight in my arms I know I must do this all over again. The shots, the Dr. appointments. All of it. If I could start over again right now I would.

In the past few days many special ladies have shared their heart break with me. I know that I am not alone in this sorrow. Most have gone on to have other children. It gives me great hope that this chapter is not closed for us we are merely turning a page.

Again thank you all for your prayers & love. It is a difficult time, but I am full of hope and joy as well. There is so much joy that I could even get pregnant and have this child. While it does not out weigh the sadness. Hope for tomorrow does.