For Eleanna...

For one tiny baby with perfect tiny feet... you have left an enormous mark on this world. You were loved so much not only by Mom and Daddy, but by so many. You were only with us for 20 weeks. It seems that you have been with us so much longer. Not many can say that the knew someone since they were just 10 or 11 cells big. You are God's miracle. With heavy hearts,we gave you back to God yesterday for his keeping. I know that you are in his great care. But, that does not mean that I don't long for you to be here with me.

From the beginning there were moments that I worried that I would ever hold you in my arms. Your beta did not double at first... We now know that's because you twin was not meant to be. At 7 weeks when we went in for your first ultrasound I was so worried there would be nothing there. But there you a beautiful flicker on the screen. At 9 week we saw you again a wiggling little bean on the screen heart strong and beating. You were here...

As time went by I documented our progress. Each Tuesday you were one week older and I was one week closer to meeting you. You gave me the desire to only eat healthy things... Even now "junk food" does not sound tasty. Your first movements are such a joy to me. I remember being at the Dakota office and I had a Pepsi (for like the first time in 7 months) . You went crazy kick me. Every-time, I think of that it makes me smile. I wish your Daddy had the chance to feel that too. He did love to tickle my tummy and make a Pillsbury dough boy giggle. It was so cute... I am so thankful for those moments.

I have to say because of my worries it was hard for me to fully give in to all the excitement that you gave to me. I only bought you a few things. Two outfits from garage sales and a toy. I had things that I was starting to pick out for you, but I just could not do it yet. Now I see that they would have only brought more sadness...

The hardest time for me is at night when I am able to lay comfortably in my bed. My back had started to hurt from sleeping on my side. Now, I am able to lay any way I like and it makes me sad... Last night we got together with friends. I had a twisted tea...it was so hard for me to drink it... It's like if I do those non-pregnant things it's making you go farther away from me...

You are so loved. You are a Joy so huge that my heart can hardly contain it... I am trying so hard not to let my sadness hold it back.

Your service was so meaningful. It renewed my hope that you will have a sister or brother on earth. I know that you will watch over us, and them as we try IVF again. The song "what faith can do" has been with us all along and we shared it with those who were there. I also shared my favorite Bible passage:

Lamentations 3:19-33

The Message (MSG)

It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

^19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

^22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

^31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard.

We let go of 50 balloons at your special place with Grandpa, Great-Grandma & Great Aunt baby Pamela. It was so beautiful. Your tiny body is buried in a special place and your heart is with God. Your Hope is in us as we move on in this journey.

Thank you so much for being my child. I love you... Mom