I love my Husband & Rainbows...

I just have put this out there...

I love my Husband so much. This morning when I was getting ready to go to work and just was feeling sad. I asked him for a hug. Held me...I cried... I told him I was so worried. So worried about weather or not our next round of IVF will not work. So worried that we will loose another baby. He told me that "I shouldn't worry. We have been promised great things, and although it's been hard it will happen..."

I really needed to hear that from him. I'm so blessed to have him. I thank God all the time for Todd... I'm amazed sometimes that God loved me so much to give me Todd for this life together. It most certainly has not been easy, but our love is very easy and perfectly imperfect.

Today when I was walking into work there was a rainbow. Many call their babies after a loss rainbows. I can't help but believe that God sent me that message today that I would have my rainbow... Of course seeing the rainbow turned me into a crying mess. There was a co-worker there to give me a hug...I really needed it. I'm so thankful for little blessings like this...

I'm not going to lie going back to work this week has been hard... Today I brought Eleanna's picture with me it really helped to have here there. I can't wait till I get the rest of our pictures so I can have one with me work all the time. For now I think I'll just bring it with each day since it seemed to help so much. I'm starting to wonder if I should have taken more time off and went to visit my Aunt & Uncle in Florida or something...

Of course I was just thinking about getting back to "normal", but "normal" was pregnant...

I'm not gong to find that at work... It is good to be busy though...

My Birthday is Saturday...I'm not sure what we will do yet. We may go out to eat after our Dr. appointment on Friday. Call me crazy, but I kind of want to see the Smurf movie...hehe...

Thank you all for your continued prayers and encouragement. I have to say I feel all the prayers...

For Eleanna...

For one tiny baby with perfect tiny feet... you have left an enormous mark on this world. You were loved so much not only by Mom and Daddy, but by so many. You were only with us for 20 weeks. It seems that you have been with us so much longer. Not many can say that the knew someone since they were just 10 or 11 cells big. You are God's miracle. With heavy hearts,we gave you back to God yesterday for his keeping. I know that you are in his great care. But, that does not mean that I don't long for you to be here with me.

From the beginning there were moments that I worried that I would ever hold you in my arms. Your beta did not double at first... We now know that's because you twin was not meant to be. At 7 weeks when we went in for your first ultrasound I was so worried there would be nothing there. But there you a beautiful flicker on the screen. At 9 week we saw you again a wiggling little bean on the screen heart strong and beating. You were here...

As time went by I documented our progress. Each Tuesday you were one week older and I was one week closer to meeting you. You gave me the desire to only eat healthy things... Even now "junk food" does not sound tasty. Your first movements are such a joy to me. I remember being at the Dakota office and I had a Pepsi (for like the first time in 7 months) . You went crazy kick me. Every-time, I think of that it makes me smile. I wish your Daddy had the chance to feel that too. He did love to tickle my tummy and make a Pillsbury dough boy giggle. It was so cute... I am so thankful for those moments.

I have to say because of my worries it was hard for me to fully give in to all the excitement that you gave to me. I only bought you a few things. Two outfits from garage sales and a toy. I had things that I was starting to pick out for you, but I just could not do it yet. Now I see that they would have only brought more sadness...

The hardest time for me is at night when I am able to lay comfortably in my bed. My back had started to hurt from sleeping on my side. Now, I am able to lay any way I like and it makes me sad... Last night we got together with friends. I had a twisted tea...it was so hard for me to drink it... It's like if I do those non-pregnant things it's making you go farther away from me...

You are so loved. You are a Joy so huge that my heart can hardly contain it... I am trying so hard not to let my sadness hold it back.

Your service was so meaningful. It renewed my hope that you will have a sister or brother on earth. I know that you will watch over us, and them as we try IVF again. The song "what faith can do" has been with us all along and we shared it with those who were there. I also shared my favorite Bible passage:

Lamentations 3:19-33

The Message (MSG)

It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

^19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

^22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

^31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard.

We let go of 50 balloons at your special place with Grandpa, Great-Grandma & Great Aunt baby Pamela. It was so beautiful. Your tiny body is buried in a special place and your heart is with God. Your Hope is in us as we move on in this journey.

Thank you so much for being my child. I love you... Mom

More about what happened...

It all started a week ago...

I went to the bathroom a little after 4. I was having a bit of extra mucus discharge. I felt inside something just wasn't right. I call the Dr.'s office of course they are about to close for the day. I talked with the nurse. She thought it was nothing. But, made me an appointment for the next morning. Over the next few hours I had even convinced myself that it was nothing. I even called the answering service at the Dr. to cancel the appointment. Then I became more worried. So I re-nigged on canceling. I went to work in the morning. I was googling every possibility...it was not looking good.

I got to the Dr.'s office. He was running about an hour behind. We waited. I worried. The Dr. came in finally and examined me. It was as I suspected. I had dilated and my membranes were starting to emerge. Eleanna had a strong heartbeat. We were told to get to Rockford Memorial hospital right away. At this point I was still hopeful. I know that it is possible to "sew up the cervix" and hold the baby in.

Once we arrived they asked me all these questions, and about an hour later the Dr. came in. There were lots of tests to be run for infection before they could sew things up. We went in for an Ultrasound and Amniocentesis. During the ultrasound Eleanna was moving around a lot; her heartbeat was a strong 162 bpm. Since we were going through all of this we decided that we would find out that she was a girl. At that point both Todd and I broke down. It all so much more important that I/we do everything we could to save our precious daughter. I'm not going to the the amniocentesis was awful. It took 3 tries to get the fluid they needed to test for infection and chromosomal defects. But, I would have done it a million times if it meant she could have lived. Our pastor John was there as we came out of the ultrasound. What a comfort.

All afternoon we waited for test results. My WBC was up...not a good sign. I did have a badder infection. Which they believe caused me to dilate. The gave me an antibiotic shot to cure that quickly. As the day went on. We received results that there was no infection in the vaginal area which was great news. We were still waiting for results on the fluid. My Mom, Dad, Todd's Mom, Todd's cousin Jodi came to see us. I was feeling good that I was not having contractions and I could feel Eleanna moving. Fast forward to 10pm. They gave me a sleeping pill and I was ready to try and sleep for the night. Todd decided to go home and rest, get some things for a long stay and take our Dog Holly to his Grandpa's the next day. About 30 minutes later I decided to go to the bathroom for one last time for the night. I got up and just made it to the bathroom...my water broke... Shaking I pushed the nurse call button and kept saying hello, hello, finally someone answered. I said my water broke. I nurse named Angel came in. She sat me down. Calmly, I told her "my baby's is going to heaven". She told me that may not be the case... She left the room for a minute. I prayed out loud god please give me strength and please keep Eleanna safe. At that moment I felt a lot of comfort. They brought in the Dr. and she did an ultrasound. Eleanna still had a strong heartbeat and there was still about 16 oz. of fluid around her. She was head down and hold the fluid in and building up more all the time. There was still hope. I called Todd to come back in. He had almost made it home.

The next morning Mom & Todd came back in. The results came back that there was no infection in the fluid. Excellent news. The plan was to be on bed-rest and keep Eleanna cooking. Most of Friday morning she was kicking me in the spot where the amniocentesis was done. It hurt, but was good at the same time. Megan & Steve came to visit later... After they and Todd left they tried to get Eleann's heartbeat. We thought we found it, but now I feel she was gone at that point...

Saturday, another Dr. comes in she basically tells the same thing and says that I do not have to use the bed pan and can go to the bathroom. That morning I have a bit of bleeding and lots of mucus. It really worried me, but the nurses did not seem too excited. About 12 pm I went to the bathroom. There was something coming out. The nurse feared it was Eleanna's cord. They brough in the Dr. and did and ultrasound. I could see before she said...Eleanna had no heartbeat. I held tight to Todd's hand... Our little girl was gone. All our hard work...all those shots...all those rides to Madison...all those tears... She was gone.

They explained how things would go. And left us to have a moment together. We called pastor. I called my Dad. That may have been the saddest thing. I cold hear him hit the floor as I told told him we lost our baby...he was sobbing. I told him it would be Ok... I asked if they could come, and said that we would be able to hold her and I wanted them here. They came.

They gave me 4 pills that started the labor. I prayed the whole time that she would come quickly and that there would be no complications. It took about 90 minutes... 90 minutes and my body had removed all there was of Eleanna. They placed her on my chest. We all cried. After a few minuted I opened the blanket and saw her adorable feet. So tiny and perfect. The exact size of my thumb. I held her tiny hand. Her hand looked like mine long, thin fingers... She was perfect. I passed her to Todd and he held her tiny body and sobbed. My Mom held her too. At that moment I knew my one prayer had been answered I am a Mom and Todd is a Daddy. I am so grateful for those moments that we got to be with her.

A little while later "the Haven" came in they placed her in a beautiful lavender colored bunting, a hand made tiny blanket and a tiny little hat. They took pictures of her. Beautiful pictures of her that we will have forever. For that I am so thankful.

My best friend Courtney came later that evening. She brought me all that I needed including conversation, hugs & love. I'm so blessed to have a life long friend in her.

As a felt her weight in my arms I know I must do this all over again. The shots, the Dr. appointments. All of it. If I could start over again right now I would.

In the past few days many special ladies have shared their heart break with me. I know that I am not alone in this sorrow. Most have gone on to have other children. It gives me great hope that this chapter is not closed for us we are merely turning a page.

Again thank you all for your prayers & love. It is a difficult time, but I am full of hope and joy as well. There is so much joy that I could even get pregnant and have this child. While it does not out weigh the sadness. Hope for tomorrow does.

I am Mommy to an Angel...

Saturday afternoon I delivered my beautiful baby Eleanna with my husband and Mother at my side. She was so beautiful. She had the cutest little feet. The moment I held her I knew that I must keep going on.

We will start another IVF process as soon as my body is able.

I do feel so blessed for so many things that I know that some of you here may never experience. I'm so blessed to have seen a BFP, so blessed to see a tiny heart beat at just 7 weeks, I'm so blessed to see a beautiful dancing bean at 9 weeks, I'm so blessed to have heard a strong heart beating at 14 & 18 weeks. I'm am incredibly blessed to feel what it's like to have a little life kicking me from the inside. I'm so blessed to have held the tiny hand of one of God's most precious miracles. I'm so blessed to have so many Family & Friends that love me and my husband. I'm so blessed to have a husband who would do anything for me. I'm so bless to have a Mother who would give up her work and everything to take care of me. I'm so blessed to have a Dad that only wants to take away my pain. I'm so blessed to have a best friend who would bring me good kleenx, deodorant and chocolate when I needed her the most. I'm so blessed to have God who loves and who I could feel around me every moment I was scared, and I could feel his sadness for me, and I know he will be with me we continue this journey to our earthy children.

I know that there will be moments where I'll be sad, mad, scared, etc. But, I know with God's abundant Grace I will have a child on earth. I pray that it is soon for my heart longs so much to hold my child every day.

While I know that Elanna will not be here in the flesh I feel her here with me right now. She gives me hope and strength.

Love you all...

18 weeks

How Far Along: 18 weeks 3 days

Size of Baby: Head to rump, your baby is about 5 1/2 inches long (about the length of a bell pepper) and he weighs almost 7 ounces.

Picture of Baby: None this week. Our ultrasound is scheduled for July 29th.

Maternity Clothes: I have a bit more of bump now. I'm thinking that I may have to get some new clothes soon.

Weight Gain: Down another pound this week from the last time I was at the Dr.

Belly: Definitively looks more pregnant than chubby...

Stretch Marks: nothing new...

Sleep: Have had some leg craps at night ugh...

Best Moment of the Week:hearing the baby's heart beat again. And hearing the little critter moving around and making a thumping sound on the dopler.

Movement: I was definitely feeling some moving around in there on Wednesday after lunch.

Symptoms: still tired somewhat...

Food Cravings: This past weekend I had a real need for Chinese food, but I definitely had that craving long before baby.

Gender: Not sure & won't know till B-Day :)

What I Miss: Nothing really...

What I'm Looking Forward to: The weekend and vacation next week. And for Todd to be able to feel the baby move too. :)

Weekly Wisdom: Keeping cool when it's 90 degrees is important...

Milestones: Feeling definite movement.

Emotions:Excited to feel the baby moving....