Kaboom Playground...

Saturday, July 17th Todd and I helped build this playground for the kids in the westview housing projects. It felt so great to help the more than 200 kids who live here. Many have parents who won't or don't take the time to take them to a park. Now they can safely just go out their doors and play on this awesome playground. It felt so great to give just one day to help.

Kaboom is a non for profit organization who's goal is to have a park within walking distance of every child in America. If they are building in you neighborhood I encourage you to help.

To myself at 40...

I got the idea for this post Jamie over at Sticky Feet. Check out her blog...love her, & her cute kiddos'...

This month I will turn 30. After Jamie's inspiration it only seems fitting that I try and write a similar letter at this turning point in my life. While I am a bit envious of Jamie's knowing that her family is complete I still think that it's a good idea to put this down on paper.

Dear Rachel-

At this point you are 40. Wow, I can only imagine what life is like. At this point there are still a lot of unanswered questions in your life that I hope have been answered. Either way I hope that your faith has been strengthened and that you believe that you are on the path God has chosen for you.

I hope that you take a little time to be thankful for your many blessings. I'm sure that these last 10 years have also been met with heartaches. I'm sure that Grandpa Earl and Grandma Parkinson are gone now. I'm sure that you feel so blessed to have had them in your life for so long.

Don't loose sight of your inner creativity. Making crafts brings you such joy and I would only expect that to continue. I hope that you are taking the time to travel and spend time with your friends and family who have been through it all with you. I hope you have made new friends along the way. I hope that you have been on a fishing trip with Todd, Dad and Steve. Always remember how much Todd loves you and how much you love him. He has been your strength throughout all that you have been through and will go through.

Don't give up your love of children no matter how your infertility journey continues. I know how hard it has been recently I can only hope that all of this ends in joy, but if it doesn't you must find joy elsewhere. Do your best not to be bitter about what could have been.

If you are a Mom... Remember to say yes as much as you say no. Give advise freely to your kid(s) and tell them why you feel this way. Encourage them to have big dreams and lots of them since we all know some will have to be "scrapped"... Hug them and thank God for them everyday. Always remember how difficult it was for them to be here when they are being naughty and don't listen.

Pray every day. Not just for your self, but others too. Strive to be less judgmental and more helpful even to those who seem helpless. Never loose your child like attitude, blow bubbles, color in coloring books, jump in the pool...

With love and sincerity....

Rachel

my Wordle...

Get your own Werdle.

Do you know what it feels like...

Lately I have added a few more to my Blog Roll... I find great hope in those who are going through the same trials... I makes me feel like I'm not odd or going mental or something.

This amazing perspective was posted by Beckie. Take a look...

Moving forward...

Yesterday I called UW and updated my cycle...

We will be trying at least one more natural IUI... Had I called earlier I would have probably tried the femara, but since I was past CD 3 there was no point in it...

I'm sorry if my last post had a bad tone...but, sometimes you just have to get all those feelings (you know the ones that you're not supposed to talk about cause it's not nice...) out there so I can move on.

After this cycle we'll see what happens and go from there...after reading some re-search IUI is considered successful if pregnancy occurs any time in 1-6 attempts...so, I feel giving the at least 1 more attempt is warranted...

Sometimes it's good we remember that we are not alone in struggle for infertile couples the book of Job often comes up...

Job 6:10-12 (The Message)

Pressed Past the Limits

^8-13 "All I want is an answer to one prayer,
a last request to be honored:
Let God step on me—squash me like a bug,
and be done with me for good.
I'd at least have the satisfaction
of not having blasphemed the Holy God,
before being pressed past the limits.
Where's the strength to keep my hopes up?
What future do I have to keep me going?
Do you think I have nerves of steel?
Do you think I'm made of iron?
Do you think I can pull myself up by my bootstraps?
Why, I don't even have any boots

Job 11:13 (The Message)

Reach Out to God

^13-20 "Still, if you set your heart on God
and reach out to him,
If you scrub your hands of sin
and refuse to entertain evil in your home,
You'll be able to face the world unashamed
and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.
You'll forget your troubles;
they'll be like old, faded photographs.
Your world will be washed in sunshine,
every shadow dispersed by dayspring.
Full of hope, you'll relax, confident again;
you'll look around, sit back, and take it easy.
Expansive, without a care in the world,
you'll be hunted out by many for your blessing.
But the wicked will see none of this.
They're headed down a dead-end road
with nothing to look forward to—nothing."

Sometimes I think that you have to loose it all to gain it all...if you have everything then what is there to hope in God for?

I just don't know how I feel...

I would suppose that sad, mad, disappointed, jealous, tired, emotional, alone, apprehensive, confused and loved would sum it up...

I know very well that our odds of this IUI working were very small...but, it was possible...I gave in to my better judgement and let my self hope a little too much...

Now the problem is that I don't know what to do...do we try this again or save up for IVF? Or, do we talk/ think more about using a donor?

Of course it doesn't help either that AF shows up in all her glory with cramps and heavy flow...

I haven't had the heart to come out and say officially to Todd that it didn't work, but I think he knows...

I hate that it's me who know first can't I be broken the news gently...nope, I'm for the like 50th time find out that I am not going to be a mother with cramping, bloating and the mess of it all...

Yep, instead of getting to make my husband his first Father's day card I get to stock up on maxi pads and tampons...whoo hoo...oh and I almost forgot I also had to make a trip to the baby department to get a gift for my best friends second baby...fun times...

I'm sorry for all the venting, but I just had to get that all out there...

I was reminded today of this verse...and I try so hard to remember...but, it's hard...hard because I am not certain what God is asking...

Lamentation 3:20-24

I will never forget this awful time,

as I grieve over my loss.

²¹ Yet I still dare to hope

when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

His mercies never cease.

²³ Great is his faithfulness;

his mercies begin afresh each morning.

²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;

therefore, I will hope in him!”

The beginning of an emotional week...

So, I am 98% sure that this past IUI will not result in a BFP...

My best friend Courtney is due to deliver her second child any day now...

We are doing a total re-vamp of our financial situation...

Seriously, can I just catch a break?

I've been really good about not letting this all get to me..., but at this point it seems that I must either cry about the situation or be a "nasty witch" of a person who I don't even like.

I was really hoping that this might be our time. It was nice to think the very real possibility that this was it...for like a whole week I was happy and more optimistic that I had ever been in a long time.

At this point I just don't know what our next step should be. Another, IUI with or without clomid, or IVF...which we won't have the $$$ saved up for about 10 months...or do nothing at all...and move on...

I just wish God would let me know what I should do...at this point...I feel like I am taking 1 step forward and more steps back. I have faith that good things will happen for us but, why does it have to be so hard. How many more times do I have to visit babies at the hospital before I get to have one of my own? Don't get me wrong I love my life. I love my family, but can't help but want more. I'm not sure that I will ever really feel complete without having my own child...even if this road leads us to adoption/fostering I don't know that I'll ever feel "whole"...it is even very possible that if we are able to have a child through IVF that I will be "over it"...

I'm dealing with all of this pretty well but at times I'm still mad...mad that I can't just go off the pill and get pregnant within 3-6 months...I'm mad that I have to "deal with this"...I'm also sad...sad that I feel this way...sad that I just can't believe...sad that I can't always just not think about it...just when I feel that I whole heartedly do believe...I doubt...