Our life in fragments...

Well, despite our best efforts and expensive supplements...our DNA fragmentation got worse...

At this point our best chance for having a child would be IVF...

We are still going ahead with trying the IUI but with a 1.5% chance of it working I'm not too hopeful...

We are now working to re-structure our debts to see if we will be able to somehow squeeze the funds out of our already tapped out budget...I hate the stress of all of this...

"Mother's Day...continued"

For interfiles I suppose that we can take this day on several different tangents. For me I have always (even before IF) had feelings that mother's day is for my Mom and Grandma...

Last year, was a bit harder since my Mom was on vacation for Mother's Day and we went to a local restaurant and they were giving cake and a flower to all the mothers...they put me on the spot and asked if I was a mother...I had to decline...

That stung a little but, I got over it by telling my self maybe next year...

So here I am at next year...I did not go to church...I knew that the kids choir would be singing a rendition of "you are my sun shine" or some other I love you Mom song...and I just don't think that my poor little heart could take it...

Oh well this too shall pass...each year this IF stuff gets easier, but at the same time it makes me worried...worried that it doesn't hurt so much...like it means that it's not going to happen so become at peace with it...

A couple of weeks ago in Sunday School we were talk about "aha" moments when you know God is telling you you are on the right path or this is the path you should be on...I ask how do you know when you have doubts that you are on the right path weather or not it is God telling you to "do something else" or "just be patient" or if is the devil trying to sneak his way in a ruin "the plan"...

My one friend who know's my struggle said that she prays that God will not make it (what I going through) hurt so much if it not meant to be...since then I've wondered if since I'm not feeling so bad is this not meant to be?

But, then I think no...I think that I just have a "thicker skin" when it comes to this stuff...not that it doesn't hurt it just doesn't hurt as much (meanig that I'm not bawling my eyes out weekly) or when things hurt they just hurt that much more...

Mother's Day

“Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,

for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she works hard for just a chance,

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,and yet she still has hope;

everyday is another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

I found this on Tiffany's blog...

She is truly an inspiration.

Thanks

What IF I hadn't had fertility issues?

I would have a 3 year old.

I would possibly be pregnant with #2.

I wouldn't be in church so much.

I wouldn't have my dog Holly.

I wouldn't have experienced Stampin' Up! Convention in 2008.

I wouldn't have made such great friends.

I would be having play dates instead of nights out with the hubby.

I may not have realized how perfect that my husband is for me.

I wouldn't have been there for others with infertility.

I wouldn't have read so many blogs.

I wouldn't have so many questions for GOD.

I wouldn't spend at least a little part of every day wondering if I will ever be a mother.

I'd be eligible to have cake at the local restaurant on Mother's Day.

I may not have cried so much.

I wouldn't be who I am today.

Book Sneeze Book...

I Just received my first book from Book Sneeze... I have to say that this is so much fun...

You sign up...get a FREE book....read it... and write a review on you blog...how fun is that?

My First selection is the book "Wild at Heart"by John Elredge and is more directed to the Christian man, but I am also finding it very enlightening...

Stay tuned for my complete review later this week or so.

Happy Monday!

Do you ever wonder or wish...

Milking "Bessie", 1900
It appears that this farm wife changed
into her "Sunday Best" clothes to have
this picture take.

Sometimes I really wish I had been born in another era...

Now I know that life was harder and mortality was shorter. But, I can't help but feel sometimes that I am in the wrong time frame. I have domestic skills taught to me by my parents that would go to much better use in a time gone by.

I can imagine my days starting with farm chores and making a hearty breakfast for my husband. We would go back to chores and daily tasks of washing, ironing, cleaning and such... I would make a lunch for our family and those helping... The evenings would be spent knitting, sewing and the like.

I'm sure that our IF would be harder too... So little was known about all of that...I would just be at church each week praying to God for a child...all the while thinking that I had done something to deserve this... All the while the town's folk talking behind our backs...saying it's such a shame...and then having unfortunate orphans given to us because we have the room...

Here in the present some may say it's a shame, no orphans have made it our doorstep and here we are 4 year into our loving marriage still praying to God for a child, Hope and Answers...

Now in these 4 years I have had some answers and still have Hope, but some days I still wonder are my hope futile? Are my dreams too big? Is the answer NO and am I just not hearing it...

A big week ahead...

I have to say that I'm meeting this coming week with a bit of apprehension...but, also a lot of joy and excitement too...

This week we will go in for our IUI at this point I'm feeling good about it...either way...

This week Todd turns the big 40...

This week is our 4th anniversary...

so maybe...this week I'll get pg and next year it just won't be the 2 of us celebrating all these things...