Oh come let us adore him...

I'm not going to deny it... Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year for me...

I love the baking, the gift giving, the card making, the time with family...

This year I wasn't going to put up a tree. We just hadn't gotten around to cutting one with the weather and Todd plowing snow. And, I just wasn't into it...

In the mean time...Todd sister said she'd like to come to our house for our family's Christmas... It was crunch time and I has to decorate... One good thing about waiting till the 18th of December to decorate...everything was 50% off. We got a nice "fake" tree...it's one of the skinny ones and it looks great. I also got 2 smaller trees for on top of our entertainment center. It all looks fun and festive. I'll be making prime rib on New Year's day for our "Christmas" we will be going sledding with our nephew... It should be another great time with family...

The above picture is of the same nativity that I have. I leave it up all year. It's on top of a hutch and it is not in the way, but it is a nice reminder of the greatest gift of Christmas. God love in the flesh... I would suppose that yuletide cheer pales in comparison. When I start to think about the whole reason for the season...it helps... What doesn't is all the talk of Christmas is just for the kids, etc...

As we start the new year Todd and I will be going through IVF treatments. Hopefully, it will only take one time. At this point I feel so blessed that we will be able to do it. I know first hand that even those who have insurance cannot afford the opportunity. We have had to make some big sacrifices to get to this point, cashing in vacation time, scrimping and saving, asking relatives, etc... Either way this works out...I'm at peace knowing that we did all we could. If the answer is no...we'll be sad, disappointed & frustrated, but at peace living as a family of 2. I know that adoption could be an option for us, but I'm just not feeling that it's where God is leading us. If it was I would be open to it, but until that point we're not.

Blessings for 2011!

Sometimes it all seems so trivial...

On Friday a blog that I frequent for awesome card ideas announced that her husband passed away after a very short battle with cancer. She has so much faith and hope for God plans for her and her young sons. She is truly and inspiration. My god bless her in the coming days and may she feel the comfort for the holy spirit as she grieves the loss of her best friend, partner and father of her children.

If you want to visit her blog:

http://paperpleasing.typepad.com/my_weblog/

It's at times like this that makes me so glad that we are healthy and together. Life can be so short and I hate to feel like I'm wasting it on unattainable dreams...

Window Shopping for HOPE...

Over the past 2 day 2 fellow IF'ers @ Can I walk with you... and @ Beckie's Infertility Journey have written about browsing in the baby sections of stores dreaming about being able to make purchases.

Above is a picture of a diaper bag that I covet... It is uber expensive and not anywhere near my price range, but I love the way it looks. Love how it reminds me of Marry Poppins bag... I can't help, but drool every time an e-mail comes in abotu their outlet sales...and the bags are a bit less expensive.

I also find myself dreaming when I'm looking at pottery barn kids...there too is not in our price range wither, but I figure is you are going to dream...dream big... And, it's not like I do this with just the baby stuff it's other things too...I don't know how many random items are in internet shopping bags across the net with my name on them...

But, I never put the baby things in there...when it comes to the baby items I am strictly just looking...I have a strict policy about no baby stuff at my house. It was a big stretch for me to buy a glider rocking chair at a garage sale. There have been many times that I have resisted to buy baby things especially when I see them on clearance for just a few dollars... In the first few months on TTC I saw this adorable blanket in the clearance isle for something like $2.00...I really wanted to buy it...but, I resisted...I figured...you get so many of those things when you have a baby shower...and you said no baby stuff in your house till you get a BFP....now here I am getting closer to 5 years later...I'm glad I didn't buy the blanket...it would be in some closet...I just know I'd come upon it and cry...cry because I may never have a baby to use it...cry because it's been in there so long...

Unfortunately, I think part of me did bring that blanket home that day...I still think about it all the time...I can tell you what color it was and how it exactly looked...it's still there kind of haunting or taunting me...

Not that this looking is all bad...sometimes it gives me hope. I look around at all the baby stuff and think yes I will be making a purchase for my baby someday.

I really had big hopes for this year. It started off good with us making the decision to go to the reproductive endocrinologist, but as things progressed we have realized that IVF/ICSI is really our only/best option for having a biological child from the two of us.

I've tried so hard and prayed so much about what we should do...and nothing is making me feel like it's the right thing to do. I want adoption to be an option for us, but at this point the thought it only is making me angry at God. It makes me feel like why God would you want us to adopt when I have such a desire not only to be a Mom, but to also have a pregnancy...why would you let this other person get pregnant if her child is meant for us...

Blah...

At this point I'm just and feeling down. I just don't feel like doing anything...I just feel like things are never going to change for us. I feel like maybe we should just get used to the way our life is and move on...but, as I am typing this it's making me cry, so I don't know...

Sunday I went to a water park with some friends and their 3 little boys 5,4 & 3. We had a very fun time and I was not sad all day. I had a great time and I loved it... Next week I will be going on a little vacation with my Brother, SIL and my niece. I'm sure that this will be a great time too.

My husband has been a coach for Jr. Tackle football (5th & 6th graders) for the last 15 years. He has now moved on to be the defense coach for the Jr. High team. I am excited for him, but I can't help but think of all the years I sat watching all his other games watching Mom's with babies in their strollers thinking next year this will be me...now that's never going to happen...

I just want this to be over one way or another...I'm so tired of waiting...

So little to say...

I don't have much to say right now. I had a wonderful Birthday spent with family and friends. My "big" gift was a Wii...I know seriously, how old am I? But, I do love it...I'm totally addicted to Mario brothers...

I have to say that I've been a bit down in the dumps...not because I turned the big 30, but because that's how it is with milestones these days. They all keep reminding me how long I have been waiting. At my party there was as many kids as there were adults...it can be so hard, but I am glad they were there...

I started reading the book eat, pray, love with the hopes that I finish it before the movie leaves the theater... So many things ring true in this book with how I feel myself...you know the whole feeling lost it this great big world...

These pictures are from my hometown...I live here now. We only had about 12" of water in our basement and I feel very fortunate. I have seen Pearl City flood 3 times in my 30 years and this by far is the worst flooding ever. We had over 14" of rain in a 2 day period. This is a link to an article in our local paper:

http://www.journalstandard.com/features/x1419036729/Area-farmers-reeling-amid-major-f-loods?photo=0

Pearl City, IL is a small town of about 1000 people our pride is our school, and fortunately, it has been spared. This is the kind of place that draws you in because people care about other often more than themselves. I grew up here and each year more and more of my 50 highschool classmates come "home" to raise their families. It's funny how life does that some times...in highschool all anyone can talk about is getting out of this town. We go to college and spend a few years away and then come back home...

Please pray for our sweet little town. Homeowners here are unable to get flood insurance because Pearl City is not in a flood plain. We are told that our area has been considered a disaster area and make us able to receive emergency aid from the government, but with the state of IL on the verge of bankruptcy it may take years for anyone to receive their benefits.

Kaboom Playground...

Saturday, July 17th Todd and I helped build this playground for the kids in the westview housing projects. It felt so great to help the more than 200 kids who live here. Many have parents who won't or don't take the time to take them to a park. Now they can safely just go out their doors and play on this awesome playground. It felt so great to give just one day to help.

Kaboom is a non for profit organization who's goal is to have a park within walking distance of every child in America. If they are building in you neighborhood I encourage you to help.