Over the past 2 day 2 fellow IF'ers @ Can I walk with you... and @ Beckie's Infertility Journey have written about browsing in the baby sections of stores dreaming about being able to make purchases.
Above is a picture of a diaper bag that I covet... It is uber expensive and not anywhere near my price range, but I love the way it looks. Love how it reminds me of Marry Poppins bag... I can't help, but drool every time an e-mail comes in abotu their outlet sales...and the bags are a bit less expensive.
I also find myself dreaming when I'm looking at pottery barn kids...there too is not in our price range wither, but I figure is you are going to dream...dream big... And, it's not like I do this with just the baby stuff it's other things too...I don't know how many random items are in internet shopping bags across the net with my name on them...
But, I never put the baby things in there...when it comes to the baby items I am strictly just looking...I have a strict policy about no baby stuff at my house. It was a big stretch for me to buy a glider rocking chair at a garage sale. There have been many times that I have resisted to buy baby things especially when I see them on clearance for just a few dollars... In the first few months on TTC I saw this adorable blanket in the clearance isle for something like $2.00...I really wanted to buy it...but, I resisted...I figured...you get so many of those things when you have a baby shower...and you said no baby stuff in your house till you get a BFP....now here I am getting closer to 5 years later...I'm glad I didn't buy the blanket...it would be in some closet...I just know I'd come upon it and cry...cry because I may never have a baby to use it...cry because it's been in there so long...
Unfortunately, I think part of me did bring that blanket home that day...I still think about it all the time...I can tell you what color it was and how it exactly looked...it's still there kind of haunting or taunting me...
Not that this looking is all bad...sometimes it gives me hope. I look around at all the baby stuff and think yes I will be making a purchase for my baby someday.
I really had big hopes for this year. It started off good with us making the decision to go to the reproductive endocrinologist, but as things progressed we have realized that IVF/ICSI is really our only/best option for having a biological child from the two of us.
I've tried so hard and prayed so much about what we should do...and nothing is making me feel like it's the right thing to do. I want adoption to be an option for us, but at this point the thought it only is making me angry at God. It makes me feel like why God would you want us to adopt when I have such a desire not only to be a Mom, but to also have a pregnancy...why would you let this other person get pregnant if her child is meant for us...
1 comment :
hi there! thanks for the mention.
there are so many things in your post that i identify with. i recently got a handbag that had extra straps on it and i kinda got it cos' i thought it'd be easy to 'pick up' as a mom, etc. you know... the silly practical things i think about then regret cos' it actually is such a painful reminder.
i too have avoided buying actual baby stuff cos' i know i'd also cry and cry knowing it was in the closet and in there for so long. one of my friends got me stuff once and so it is bad enough looking at it, yet i don't know what to do!
i understand how this journey has been so hard... who knew that we'd say words like this, "our best option for having a biological child from the two of us" so normally... while it would never occur to some others and 'conceiving naturally' becomes like a foreign phrase!
anyway. just wanted to say i'm thinking of you and i connected with your post. i'll be praying that God continues to guide you, though the journey is often so frustrating. I'll be praying that you and your husband continue to cling to Him in every twist and turn.
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