let the stabbing begin...

My Lupron arrived!

Tomorrow I will do my first shot...

I'll try to post a picture of the meds and such for posterity...after all this trouble to get to this point.

I might as well document it. Right?

Of course nothing can ever be simple...

This time last week my part of the world was covered in LOTS of snow...

Crazy amounts of snow...

My Meds were to be ordered that day...needless to say that put some things back a bit. Monday we went Madison to learn how to give my self shots and Todd had to learn about the shots he would be giving me as well... I think that he is going to enjoy this a bit much :) probably payback for the times a have hit, scratched, etc. in my sleep...lol...

We also had to see the therapist...it seems that over the last 5 years we have pretty much talked about all the tings she mentioned...

Then later Monday I found out that the place where I required by insurance to order my meds from had no Lupron (which is the first one I have to take) I spent all afternoon Monday call the insurance company, Dr.'s office and pharmacy to find out what I could do about it... It finally came down to I would have to order this med from somewhere else and hope that all my calls would help me get reimbursed for it.

God must have been listing to the prayers going up for me... the original company called me from a different location in NJ and they were able to get me the Lupron. I'm still waiting for it to arrive which is a bit unnerving...but, it will get here on Thursday. It has to...

On our way...

Friday I went back up to Madison for and US to see if my lining slimmed down and that all was quiet in there...

All looked good and I was told by the IVF nurse yesterday that the ultrasound also showed that I have "awesome ovaries" will not require as much medication. Which in turn means less $. I have managed to meet my deductible and then some in January, so we will be ordering my meds later this week, and I be starting with the lupron on Feb 11th. My baseline US will be Feb 23rd and I will start stimming (with FSH) on the 24th. The first week of March I'll be heading to Madison pretty much each day until the retrieval sometime around March 7th. Depending on the retrieval date the transfer would then be the 10th or 11th. The Beta testing will be on March 22nd or so.

Which if you are keeping track of this...the EDD would be November 28th if all goes according to plan...

I have to say that this all is getting pretty exciting...It's getting harder not to get my hopes up too much in all of this, but after all we have done to get to this point it's good to see it all coming together... And honestly either way I feel so blessed to even be able to try this... Not to say that I won't be disappointed if it is a bust...

Hysteroscopy, thick lining and meds oh my...

Last Monday I went in for a Hysteroscopy. I was not very pleasant, but not as bad as I thought it would be. The test revealed that my uterine lining was too thick for CD5 and they needed to test some of the tissue to make sure that it was nothing serious. Wednesday, I went to my regular oh so fun OB/Gyn for a pap. Friday the results came back from the tissue sample and revealed nothing cancerous. I am now on provera for the next 10 days to make me have another "period" I will then continue with the nortrel and then start on lupron & FSH for the IVF. If all goes well my egg retrieval will be sometime at the end of February first of March. I will be testing mid March.

After this cycle, if the results are negative I will have to consider going to another clinic/ Dr. because our insurance plan will be changing and where I am going will be out of network. So, at this point I really, really, hope that this works the first time.

Oh come let us adore him...

I'm not going to deny it... Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year for me...

I love the baking, the gift giving, the card making, the time with family...

This year I wasn't going to put up a tree. We just hadn't gotten around to cutting one with the weather and Todd plowing snow. And, I just wasn't into it...

In the mean time...Todd sister said she'd like to come to our house for our family's Christmas... It was crunch time and I has to decorate... One good thing about waiting till the 18th of December to decorate...everything was 50% off. We got a nice "fake" tree...it's one of the skinny ones and it looks great. I also got 2 smaller trees for on top of our entertainment center. It all looks fun and festive. I'll be making prime rib on New Year's day for our "Christmas" we will be going sledding with our nephew... It should be another great time with family...

The above picture is of the same nativity that I have. I leave it up all year. It's on top of a hutch and it is not in the way, but it is a nice reminder of the greatest gift of Christmas. God love in the flesh... I would suppose that yuletide cheer pales in comparison. When I start to think about the whole reason for the season...it helps... What doesn't is all the talk of Christmas is just for the kids, etc...

As we start the new year Todd and I will be going through IVF treatments. Hopefully, it will only take one time. At this point I feel so blessed that we will be able to do it. I know first hand that even those who have insurance cannot afford the opportunity. We have had to make some big sacrifices to get to this point, cashing in vacation time, scrimping and saving, asking relatives, etc... Either way this works out...I'm at peace knowing that we did all we could. If the answer is no...we'll be sad, disappointed & frustrated, but at peace living as a family of 2. I know that adoption could be an option for us, but I'm just not feeling that it's where God is leading us. If it was I would be open to it, but until that point we're not.

Blessings for 2011!

Sometimes it all seems so trivial...

On Friday a blog that I frequent for awesome card ideas announced that her husband passed away after a very short battle with cancer. She has so much faith and hope for God plans for her and her young sons. She is truly and inspiration. My god bless her in the coming days and may she feel the comfort for the holy spirit as she grieves the loss of her best friend, partner and father of her children.

If you want to visit her blog:

http://paperpleasing.typepad.com/my_weblog/

It's at times like this that makes me so glad that we are healthy and together. Life can be so short and I hate to feel like I'm wasting it on unattainable dreams...

Window Shopping for HOPE...

Over the past 2 day 2 fellow IF'ers @ Can I walk with you... and @ Beckie's Infertility Journey have written about browsing in the baby sections of stores dreaming about being able to make purchases.

Above is a picture of a diaper bag that I covet... It is uber expensive and not anywhere near my price range, but I love the way it looks. Love how it reminds me of Marry Poppins bag... I can't help, but drool every time an e-mail comes in abotu their outlet sales...and the bags are a bit less expensive.

I also find myself dreaming when I'm looking at pottery barn kids...there too is not in our price range wither, but I figure is you are going to dream...dream big... And, it's not like I do this with just the baby stuff it's other things too...I don't know how many random items are in internet shopping bags across the net with my name on them...

But, I never put the baby things in there...when it comes to the baby items I am strictly just looking...I have a strict policy about no baby stuff at my house. It was a big stretch for me to buy a glider rocking chair at a garage sale. There have been many times that I have resisted to buy baby things especially when I see them on clearance for just a few dollars... In the first few months on TTC I saw this adorable blanket in the clearance isle for something like $2.00...I really wanted to buy it...but, I resisted...I figured...you get so many of those things when you have a baby shower...and you said no baby stuff in your house till you get a BFP....now here I am getting closer to 5 years later...I'm glad I didn't buy the blanket...it would be in some closet...I just know I'd come upon it and cry...cry because I may never have a baby to use it...cry because it's been in there so long...

Unfortunately, I think part of me did bring that blanket home that day...I still think about it all the time...I can tell you what color it was and how it exactly looked...it's still there kind of haunting or taunting me...

Not that this looking is all bad...sometimes it gives me hope. I look around at all the baby stuff and think yes I will be making a purchase for my baby someday.

I really had big hopes for this year. It started off good with us making the decision to go to the reproductive endocrinologist, but as things progressed we have realized that IVF/ICSI is really our only/best option for having a biological child from the two of us.

I've tried so hard and prayed so much about what we should do...and nothing is making me feel like it's the right thing to do. I want adoption to be an option for us, but at this point the thought it only is making me angry at God. It makes me feel like why God would you want us to adopt when I have such a desire not only to be a Mom, but to also have a pregnancy...why would you let this other person get pregnant if her child is meant for us...