The beginning of an emotional week...

So, I am 98% sure that this past IUI will not result in a BFP...

My best friend Courtney is due to deliver her second child any day now...

We are doing a total re-vamp of our financial situation...

Seriously, can I just catch a break?

I've been really good about not letting this all get to me..., but at this point it seems that I must either cry about the situation or be a "nasty witch" of a person who I don't even like.

I was really hoping that this might be our time. It was nice to think the very real possibility that this was it...for like a whole week I was happy and more optimistic that I had ever been in a long time.

At this point I just don't know what our next step should be. Another, IUI with or without clomid, or IVF...which we won't have the $$$ saved up for about 10 months...or do nothing at all...and move on...

I just wish God would let me know what I should do...at this point...I feel like I am taking 1 step forward and more steps back. I have faith that good things will happen for us but, why does it have to be so hard. How many more times do I have to visit babies at the hospital before I get to have one of my own? Don't get me wrong I love my life. I love my family, but can't help but want more. I'm not sure that I will ever really feel complete without having my own child...even if this road leads us to adoption/fostering I don't know that I'll ever feel "whole"...it is even very possible that if we are able to have a child through IVF that I will be "over it"...

I'm dealing with all of this pretty well but at times I'm still mad...mad that I can't just go off the pill and get pregnant within 3-6 months...I'm mad that I have to "deal with this"...I'm also sad...sad that I feel this way...sad that I just can't believe...sad that I can't always just not think about it...just when I feel that I whole heartedly do believe...I doubt...