is anyone else disturbed by this?

This weekend I spent some time with my niece and my cousins' children.  Peppa* Pig was on.  I looked over at Todd and said "this is just not right".

If you have never seen the before these disturbing little piggies talk with British accents which only adds to the funny factor...  In particular I find "Daddy" pig to be the most disturbing...

The Days are long but the months go by fast...

The boys will be 4 months old on the 10th.

Holy cow!  Somedays it seems like yesterday other times it seems like years...

I looked through my calendar from last year.  We are just about to the point where we were starting the cycle resulted in Parker and Jesse last year.  Their embryo transfer was on Halloween...crazy...

Parker if I had to guess is knocking on the door of 10lbs. He is wearing 0-3 month clothes.  We just put away the newborn stuff last week for him. He still is having issues with refulx and we had to put him on Axid.  We also put a tsp of rice cereal in his bottles.  Sometime it seems to help other times he just seems to yak everything up and cry...

Parker has been making lots more "cute baby noises".  He also smiles more too.  His umbilical hernia is getting much smaller.  I am hoping that it is gone before his 1st birthday.  Parker is such a snuggler he loves to have his blankie righ up by his face.  He has also found his thumb from time to time, which mostly results in him having slimey hands... Parker sleeps through the night which is awesome.  We start getting ready for bed about 8pm.  Usually, he's in bed asleep till 5am.  Sometimes we even have to wake him up to get ready to go to Kristina's.

Jesse if I had to guess is somewhere between 10 and 11lbs. He's been wearing 0-3 month clothes for a couple of weeks now. He's such a happy boy.  He hardly ever spits up.  He seems to sometimes need help in the #2 department and then all is right with his world.

Jesse is the favorite of the other kids at the babysitters...because he's so happy and less likely to spit up.  He has been smiling for a while and now will giggle when you tickle his belly.  Aww...so cute...  He fights sleep something fierce.  Watch out when he's over tired...  It seems that nothing will make him happy then...  Jesse is also sleeping though the night on Parker's same schedule.  He's also pretty much given up the pacifier...most of the time he just spits it out.

We just started the process of totally weaning them off the caffeine and monitors.  Hopefully we will be off all of those by October...  I feel so lucky that they are good sleepers at night.  It definitely helps with out sanity.  They both also love to be outside...when it's been not too hot I love taking them out in the stroller.  We even went to a parade a couple of weeks ago.

The older I get the better Heaven seems to me...

Death, Heaven, Forever...they are a part of everyone's life.

We think about it sometimes daily, sometimes hourly and sometimes not at all because this "life" we are living here on earth is too busy.

This past week my dear SIL Megan had to say good bye to her Gramms.  I really only watched this duo in action from afar, but it is very evident that there is and was a great love between her family and her Gramms.  None the less this all got me to thinking about heaven.

I can't help but think how much heaven has changed for me over the years.  From a simple explanation of where the kitten went to when it died to now a place that I look forward to calling my home.  Each time another amazing person who touched my life leaves this earth to enter heavens gates it makes me even more glad to know that heaven will be there for me too.

Of course all this talk about heaven does not mean that I'm ready "kick the bucket".  I'm pretty sure God's a whole lot more planned for me.  None the less, since Eleanna died I have felt even more at ease with death, because well, if Heaven is a good enough place to send my precious Eleanna, then it must be good enough for me too.

I suppose that there are some at the end of their life that would feel the same way I'm starting to.  I can only imagine that as my list of those I can't wait to reunite with in Heaven grown the fonder I will become of it.  Of course there are moments where I wish for just a few moments...maybe in a dream I could hold my sweet girl, sit next to my Grandpa's and meet my Father in Law.  Till then there will be times where I think of heaven as a wonderful place that I will get to some day.  Just like all those places on this earth that I would love to see as well.

On my journey to heaven Megan's Gramms's service reminded me that it's important to Pray, be joyful, do it anyway and love... It always amazes me how God uses his people to give his grace to this world.  Thank you Betty for being a part of God's Grace (Agape) in my life.

Happy Birthday in Heaven...

July 16, Eleanna spent her first birthday in heaven.

We had planned to go to the cemetery with the boys and release balloons.  The weather has been dreadfully hot, so we didn't go.  I found myself sad most of the day, but was glad to remember her and Ayla. 

I spoke with Ayla's Mom on Tuesday we both were feeling down, but I'm so blessed to have Teresa and Mike on this journey with us.  

 Each day I spend missing her.  I wonder what she would look like.  Would she look like Parker or Jesse.  Would she have had red hair too?  Would she be getting teeth, crawling...  There's part of me that can't wait till I get to see her in heaven.  I hope she knows that even if we didn't do those things for her on her birthday; she is ever in our hearts and always in my thoughts.  

July 18th was the boys due date.  

It's hard to believe that they should just be getting here.  

They both are wearing newborn clothes.  Jesse seems to be filling them out quickly, but I don't think that he's ready for the next size yet.  

They both are eating a lot.  Parker eats between 80-120ml about every 3-4 hours.  Jesse eats 100-200ml every 4-5 hours and has been sleeping from about midnight-2am till 9am.  

Parker's refulx bothers him quite a  bit and he spits up more than Jesse.  

They both hold their heads us really well.  They also are starting to enjoy some time awake.  They like the bouncy seat.  I've also been able to take them on a couple of stroller rides.  In all my years of infertility that was one thing that I was looking forward to the most.  Pushing them in the stroller.    The first time I pushed them down the street my eyes welled up with big crocodile tears.  

Well it seems Jesse wants to eat again...

There's no place like home...

We are home.  After 58 days in the Rockford Memorial NICU Jesse & Parker are home.  

7/6/12

What a difference a week makes.  Not long after my last post the boys quickly caught on to eating. And within a few days it was clear that they would be coming home soon.  Parker was the first to have his "light turn on" one night I left and he finished his 60ml bottle and when we came back in the morning the nurses informed us he finished every other bottle that night.  The proceeded to take his feeding tube out and give him a trial run of eating.  Of course the rest of the day he did not eat as well but maintained weight.  The next day he lost weigh, but finally the third day ( also the day Jesse started his trial) he gain weight.  Dr. Headly then said they could both go home.  

Jesse now is the big eater eating sometimes 120+ml per feeding.  He'll go 4+ hours between feedings.  Very nice in the night.  Parker will eat anywhere from 40-70ml every 2-4 hours.  He sure lets you know when he wants to eat... or wants anything else for that matter.  Parker's reflux is worse than Jesse's but both tend to spit up...normal preemie stuff I'm told...Today I'm on my third shirt. 

It's been interesting finding out what works for us as far as a routine.  Since they are on ad-lib feedings it makes it a little difficult.  But, things get a bit easier each day.  

We've had a few visitors since they have come home...

 Great Grandpa Earl

 Great Grandma Parkinson

 Uncle Frank & Aunt Bess

 Grandma Marsh

So frustrated...

Today has been a long day...

The boys were circumcised, had an EKG, and are not progressing as quickly as I would like with eating from a bottle.

Good news is the EKG was fine they just have some normal immaturity issues that will have to be followed up on.  And even though they seem uncomfortable today I'm sure they will recover ok from their circumcision.    


What has me so frustrated is that time seems to just slipping away so quickly and I only have a few precious weeks left before I have to go back to work.  I'm feeling like I am totally getting cheated out of my maternity leave that I worked so hard for.  I feel like my babies will go from being cared for by nurses to being cared for by a babysitter. 

I'm sure all Moms that work feel this way and just wish they could stay home with them.  No matter how I try to make the budget work staying home is not an option.  So, I just have to suck it up an move forward.  I keep praying that every day will be the day I walk in there and they "got it" and we can go home.  But, each day it seems like forever away.  

Don't get me wrong when I start to feel sorry for myself I remember that there are some who will never take their babies home from the NICU.  Or there are those who have been there so much longer than we will be there.

On a happier note the boys had some special people come an hold them this past weekend.

Uncle Steve & Aunt Megan

Aunt Stacy

They are also growing a lot.  They both weigh over 6 1/2lbs.

Parker Practicing his TOUCHDOWN...

Jesse and Great Grandpa Earl on his 90th birthday 6/26/12.

Some of the best things about having babies after IVF...

Last nigh I had a girls night with my bff and realized some great things about having your babies via. IVF and c-section.  

1.  When Parker and Jesse ask how they were "made".  I can just tell them truthfully we went to the Dr. and they took some of Daddy's cells and some of Mommy's cells and put them together in Mommy's tummy...

2. When they ask how they got of Mommy's tummy I can show them my scar and say I went to the Dr.'s and they took them out of there.   

3.  After all the shots, ultrasounds, physical pain, emotional stress, excitement, worries, and hopes when I hold them I know that it was all worth it.  It was all I ever wanted and so much more.