So frustrated...

Today has been a long day...

The boys were circumcised, had an EKG, and are not progressing as quickly as I would like with eating from a bottle.

Good news is the EKG was fine they just have some normal immaturity issues that will have to be followed up on.  And even though they seem uncomfortable today I'm sure they will recover ok from their circumcision.    


What has me so frustrated is that time seems to just slipping away so quickly and I only have a few precious weeks left before I have to go back to work.  I'm feeling like I am totally getting cheated out of my maternity leave that I worked so hard for.  I feel like my babies will go from being cared for by nurses to being cared for by a babysitter. 

I'm sure all Moms that work feel this way and just wish they could stay home with them.  No matter how I try to make the budget work staying home is not an option.  So, I just have to suck it up an move forward.  I keep praying that every day will be the day I walk in there and they "got it" and we can go home.  But, each day it seems like forever away.  

Don't get me wrong when I start to feel sorry for myself I remember that there are some who will never take their babies home from the NICU.  Or there are those who have been there so much longer than we will be there.

On a happier note the boys had some special people come an hold them this past weekend.

Uncle Steve & Aunt Megan

Aunt Stacy

They are also growing a lot.  They both weigh over 6 1/2lbs.

Parker Practicing his TOUCHDOWN...

Jesse and Great Grandpa Earl on his 90th birthday 6/26/12.

Some of the best things about having babies after IVF...

Last nigh I had a girls night with my bff and realized some great things about having your babies via. IVF and c-section.  

1.  When Parker and Jesse ask how they were "made".  I can just tell them truthfully we went to the Dr. and they took some of Daddy's cells and some of Mommy's cells and put them together in Mommy's tummy...

2. When they ask how they got of Mommy's tummy I can show them my scar and say I went to the Dr.'s and they took them out of there.   

3.  After all the shots, ultrasounds, physical pain, emotional stress, excitement, worries, and hopes when I hold them I know that it was all worth it.  It was all I ever wanted and so much more.  

Father's Day

T

Today was Todd's first official Father's day.  Last year we were just expecting Eleanna.  To say that the last year has had a lot of highs and lows is an understatement.

We spent today taking turns cuddling, feeding and changing the boys diapers.  Father's day has been a melancholy day for the last few years and it felt great to enjoy today.

To those that are still in the midst of infertility I can only imagine that you are not wanting to read another Mom's gushing post about Father's day.  Which honestly may even be harder than Mother's Day.    I know for me I prayed and prayed to give Todd Father's day.  Maybe even more than I wanted Mother's Day for me.  For those who are still waiting to celebrate.  You are already a parent, your heart already loves someone...it's just you haven't met yet.  Weather it's by a medical miracle, a surprise, an adoption, or even just a special child to finds their way into your life with out calling you Mommy or Daddy you are a parent.  

I'm so blessed to have a great man to raise my babies with he loves these little guys and our little angel in heaven so much.  It makes my heart expand every time I see him with them.

Parker

Jesse

Both boys have graduated to bassinets this week.  This means that they are able to keep warm on their own. (which means we have completed 2 of the 3 things they need to do to go home: 1. Breath with out assistance 2. Keep warm in their clothes 3. Gain weight while eating all feeds from a bottle or breast feeding.) They have been working on eating from bottles and breast feeding.  It's a slow process, but they are making progress.  Parker was able to drink 32ml and Jesse drank 30ml at their max so far.  Their total feeding is about 50ml so they are taking a good bit of it before they tucker out.  They have also been gaining tons of wight they are knocking on the door of 6lbs today at 5lbs 14oz...    

They still fit in a few few of their preemie clothes, but for the most part they are wearing new born clothes now.  They are also making more cute faces all the time.  They smerk and smile.  They also  usually open their eyes when I say hello in the morning to them.  I love it.

I have kind of gotten used to my daily/weekly routine, which helps makes the time that they are their easier.  I joke with the nurses that I should be on the pay roll.  Each morning I get up around 6 to pump. I shower, eat breakfast and head to RMH to see the boys.  If I have my stuff ready to go I get there about 9am.  They are eating every 3 hours and their feedings are at 9am, 12pm, 3pm...so, now that they are bottle feeding, or working on breast feeding I try to be there for 3-4 feedings each day.  I also change their diapers, take their temps, snuggle/hold them & give them baths.  It's amazing how fast the time goes.  Sometimes it seek out for an hour or so to do some shopping or have lunch not from the cafeteria.

One Month Old.

Both Boys continue to eat and grow.

We are working with them on learning to breast feed and take a bottle.  They are making progress, but it's a slow process.  They tire out pretty easy and they are really only awake enough to try about every other feeding time.  I'm assured that there will be a day soon that they will "just get it".  Of course this makes me want to spend more time with them at the NICU making sure that every time they look ready to try to eat that they get a chance to work on it.

They have been growing like weeds.  They both weighed 5lbs 2oz yesterday.  Parker was just a tiny bit heavier by 5 grams.  So he was the big brother.  They have been neck and neck for the last week or so.  Each day they have a competition to see who's the big brother.

They are pretty much grown out of the preemie clothes.  They are getting better at keeping warm and once they catch on to eating they will be out of the isoletes, and in bassinets.

I been pumping everyday since they were born about 6-10 times a day.  I know that it's good for them.  I  make plenty of milk to go around, but honestly I really do not like doing it.  There are times where it's painful, and I'd just rather sleep.  That's where it's harder to have them not with me all the time.  It is easier to pump while I'm there with them and the worst time is pumping in the early morning when all I want to do is sleep.

Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful to have my boys.  I love looking at their adorable faces.  Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that they are mine.  It's true what they say though.  The pains of infertility do not go away after they are here.  I still feel mad that it took so long and it's been so difficult.  I joke that I have used every bit of medical technology to bring my babies home.  From IVF, to cerclage, to the NICU my children are not just a gift from God, but also from modern medicine.  I'm so thankful to the men and women dedicated to saving these precious babies for us.

Todd will be celebrating his first father's day this weekend.  I wish out little guys were home for this...

Hopefully I can get a picture of them together again.  I had planned to on Monday.

Level II...one step closer...

The boys have been doing really well for the last few days.  They were moved to the NICU annex.  This area only has 4 other babies.  It is much more calm and quiet.  The boy seem to be able to rest better there without all the ringing and dinging from the all the monitors that are constantly.

Today Parker weighs 3lbs 12oz which is us 25grams; Jesse is 4lbs 2.5oz which is actually down just a bit.  They are now classified as Level II NICU patients which means that they are stable and they are closer to coming home.  This next week the plan is to start nursing them to get them started with the process of getting off of the feeding tubes.  They are still also in incubators to help keep them warm since they still have some fattening up to do.

We were also able to hold them close together. And both Grandma's were able to hold both of them.

This picture of Parker was just to cute not to add to the post today.

I will try and update later this week after we get started with their feedings.  Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers.  With any luck they will be home in the next few weeks.

More Good News...

Jesse is off the c-pap and had his pic (IV) line removed today.  His cute little face looks so different now.  

Parker is doing really well too.  Grandma made him a new hat.  It fits really well.  He did gain enough weight to wear clothes, but his nurses were busy today with another little baby.  The little baby seems to be having a bad weekend so, it's Ok.  Hopefully, this week will be better.

Leaving the NICU was really hard tonight.  It seems that the better they do the harder it is to leave them.   Even though I was so happy to have Jesse off the c-pap it's just one more reason they don't need to be there.  Tonight I had big tears running down my cheeks as we left.  

I'm hoping it gets a bit better when I will be able drive after this week.  But, then again my emotions are all over the place these days.  Before I was so glad they were here and Ok that it was easier not to focus on them not being at home.  Now, all I can think about is them being home.  

I know that soon this time will seem like just a blink in time.  By the time they are home I will be too busy and sleep deprived to recall these days.  

One week old...

Jesse continues to do well.  Both if them just need to keep eating more and growing.  I am hoping to ask more on Friday about what he needs to do to get the c-pap off.  While I was holding Jesse I was pretty sure he was filling his diaper...sure enough he was a mess I was able to change him.  Of course in a few months from now changing a messy diaper will not be so note worthy.  Now that he's in clothes he's doing well keeping warm, so we don't have to hold him skin to skin.  I'm hoping to dress him up on Friday.

Parker is doing really well too.  He lost quite a bit of weight in the beginning. So, he's got some ground to gain before he can wear clothes too.  He continues to do well with his feedings.  When we left yesterday they had planned to feed him 26ml each feeding by the end of the day.  Hopefully he tolerates it well and his able to increase again Friday.  Parker must be doing really well because he has had nurses in training the last 2 days.  It's great to know that he's not so critical that a "rookie" can be in charge of his care.

The NICU still continues to be a challenging place for us to be.  It's getting better for me, but Todd is still stressed there.  I think he just worries about all the things to do at home.  It's much easier for me to focus on the babies.  I really hate leaving...  The better they do each day makes me more anxious to get them home.

Everyone is always asking when they will get home the truth is no one knows... I'm hoping that they will only need to be in NICU for a month.  I think they can do it.  But, it's possible it could be as long as 10weeks.

In other fun news Todd has been hired as the assistant head coach of our local HS football program.  He will be leading up the Fresh-Soph football team.  So, as if he wasn't so much before..."he's kind of a big deal" I am so proud of him.  He enjoys coaching so much and really is a great mentor of our community's youth.