Happy Birthday in Heaven...

2 years ago we said hello and goodbye to our sweet baby girl Eleanna.  Today we celebrate her second birthday in heaven.  It's hard not to look at the boys and think...would she have really red hair like Parker, or would she have cute curls like Jesse.  What cute outfits would she wear...what would she love to eat.  What funny things would she do?.I suppose some people think that it must be easier...now that the boys are here.  In some ways it is in others not so much.  Sometimes I just feel down right cheated...cheated out of her life...cheated out of her hugs...denied her giggles, but then I remember.  Those things were not meant to be.  She was meant for heaven no matter how much I dislike that...no matter how it makes me feel.  For certain God definitely had & has great plans for me.  That not to say it's easy...

My thought also go to our friends Mike and Teresa as they celebrate their precious girl Ayla's 2nd birthday today too.  They have Gracin to celebrate with them now and I am so happy.

Later this month we will get together with Mike and Teresa to celebrate our girls.  I can't wait...with the arrival of all our boys we have not been able to get together as much...

My Dearest Eleanna-

Each day I think of you.  I wonder what amazing things you do in heaven.  I know there are so many ther with you I bet you hardly miss us.  Your brothers are so strong and beautiful.  I know you must have had a hand in that.  I'm sure you look down on them and giggle.  They sure are some funny little guys.

Your roses in our garden are so bright and cheery.  I love to see them bloom.  

Enjoy your birthday in heaven sweet girl.  I wonder if Great Grandma Meiners will make you a cake?  Or maybe Great Grandpa Meiners will make you a kitchen cupboard to play with like he did for me.  Maybe Great Grandma Marsh and Curran will be there too...  Maybe Grandpa Marsh will take you to a park and push you in a swing...

I'm sure it will be wonderful, but I still want you here with me.

All my love, hogs & kisses,

Mommy

 

Sometimes I really wish there was an EASY button...

Seriously, this week has been crazy...

To start things off my Grandma who just a year ago was helping me with the boys and full of pep has taken a bad turn in the last few months.  It seems she had an un-diagnosed stroke, bleeding ulcer and swallowing issues.  She it almost 93.  She is in the nursing home re-couping from loss of blood due to ulcer and could use your prayers...  Hopefully she will make a good turn here with the extra care, but if it's not meant to be I just hope that she goes peacefully...


Then my husband hurt his foot at work this week and still has not found out if it is broken or what what's wrong because he is waiting to get approval for an MRI from work comp...ugh...so frustrating...

To top that all off Parker needs tubes due to his numerous ear infections and fluid build up.



Then this week for whatever reason I have been thinking a lot about Eleanna...my co-worker and I were talking about her daughters hair getting tangled at night and I was saying that my Mom used to put my hair in french braids at night during the summer.  Then all the sudden my hear sinks and I think...I'll never get to braid my little girls hair...  I'm not sure maybe it's because of Grandma's decline that I'm thinking about her more...Or maybe it's just a summer thing...Summer makes me think of her since that's when she was born.


On a brighter note our family bought a camper at a site on a lake and we have been relaxing there on the weekends.



It's been nice to just get away from the mess at the house and relax and push the boys in the stroller, take them swimming and such.

One Year Old...

http://homemadehappenings.blogspot.com/2012/05/introducing-jesse-parker.html

I can not believe it's been a year.

A year ago...

 I had only held the boys a hand full of times.

 I was getting rides from friends to the hospital because I couldn't dive myself yet.

 I still had not wrapped my head around how much m life was changing.

I spent every 2 hours pumping around the clock.

I did not know how long it would be before we brought the boys home.

I did not fully realize how hard being the Mom of twins is. I was in baby love.

I did not realize how much sleep we really got before.

I did not realize the bond you can make with perfect strangers in less than 60 days time.

However I did realize...

How incredibly blessed we were.

How much our extended family and friends love all of us.

How hard it is to have healthy children when others are not.


Today...

The Boys...

Bring me so much joy.

Are the cutest ever.  Of course I may be biased. :)

photos taken by Liz Foley Photography

are into EVERYTHING!

Crawling, Scooting and pulling themselves everywhere.

are two very different little people.

crack me up all the time.

are worth all the struggles.

make miss their sister even more.


This past weekend we had their Birthday party.  There were over 60 people there from all over.  Some even made a 5 hour drive to be there.  I hope that one day they can fully appreciate how many truly love them.  I am so blessed to be their Mom.

There is so much that I want to put in this post...

10 months old..where does the time go...

Parker and Jesse are 10 months old today...

 Jesse weighs about 18.5 lbs.  He is such a happy guy he still love sleeping in...I wish he would pass a bit of that trait on to Parker...  He scoots around but the big brute would rather just gab what he wants and drag it over to him.  Even his biggest toys...it's amazing how strong he is.  When he crawls he usually pushes backwards and does not like it when he gets stuck in a corner.  He loves eating, but is not so fond of the puffs or cookies.  Jesse has 2 teeth on the bottom and one on top.

As I am typing this Parker is crawling around, rolling his bumbo chair with him.  Parker has really been moving the last 6 weeks or so.  He army crawls and loves to stand up.  He also can sit unassisted which he mastered this week.  He just has 2 teeth on the bottom, one working it's way out on top.  I would guess that he weighs 16lbs now.  We went to our last pediatric cardiologist appointment and his & Jesse's vales are completely closed and will no longer need to see Dr. Shula. He is wearing 9 months clothes for the most part.  He love food.  At this point during the daytime hours he prefers food to bottles.   

We have also started to give them baths in the big tub.  The love"swimming" and kitck their legs like little fish.  They love splashing about.  They also are starting to make more sounds.  Dad seems to be a favorite of Jesse... The both are startign to make each other giggle.  The other day Parker was tickling Jesse and making him laugh.  So cute...

8 months old...

I can hardly believe it...eight months old.

Time has gone by so quickly.  This time last year I had just had my cerclage.  The boys were just little sea monkey's, whom by the way I was so certain were girls...

Now here they are growing up.  I suppose that this feeling will only get worse.  All too soon they will be Sr.'s in High School and eating me out of house and home.

Although they are trying to do that now...they eat anout 6-8 oz of milk per bottle now, and are eating baby foods 2 times per day.  They really like food and it has help a lot with the re-fulx.  Most days I don't have to change their outfits due to spit up that it a HUGE improvement.

Over Christmas they were both sick and had multiple blow out diapers...to tell you the truth our Christmas tree is still up so I can get a good picture of them in the Christmas jammies.  Hopefully this weekend. ***update***

I got the jammie picture :)

Jesse has on tooth and the other seems not far away Parker seems to be working on teeth too.

6 & 7 months...Time flies when you're learning fun things...

The boys have had a busy last 2 months.  We go to RMH for their NICU follow-up tomorrow, so I will update this post with their weights, but I would guess they are about 15 lbs.

***This just in Parker weighs 14lbs 3oz and Jesse weighs 15lbs 13oz...chunky monkey indeed...***

They started eating some solid foods at the end of October.  So far their favorite is sweet-potatoes.  I have made about half of their baby food.  It somehow seems more worth the time when you have 2.  They just eat their baby food in the evening before their last bottle.  So, it's more like an appetizer than a meal.  They eat about 6-8 oz per bottle these days.

They are still sleeping at night really well.  And they have started to nap better.  They usually take at least one long nap either in the morning or the afternoon, but very rarely both.  Parker does wake up early in the morning sometimes, but he seems to back the our "normal" schedule this week.  Jesse is our sleepy boy and we almost always have to wake him up in the morning.  Which is awesome.  He even wakes up happy when you get him up...even better.

The boys got to have the first expedition to "Deer Camp" where Todd showed them various antlers and what size were the one to shoot.

The Curran family had a shower for the boys and they received so many nice things.  They even got some ornaments and stocking with their names on them.

Parker & Jesse were baptized at our church Faith UMC on November 25th.  It was so nice to have so many of our family, friends and church family there.  Pastor John has been their for us throughout all our struggles and he also baptized Eleanna.  I'm sure that was a special day for him as well.

So far for the holidays they went to see Santa they did not cry.  I think they told him something about toys...

We also had super cute pictures taken of them by a high-school friend of mine Tamara Roach. They turned out so good.

Parker aka "cheeser" is all smiles these days and is a mover and shaker.  Sometimes, I just don't know how he does it, but hell move 3 feet from where you left him in like 2 seconds... He rolls both ways very well and loves his feet.   He's always kicking them, grabbing them, sticking them straight up in the air. He doesn't crawl yet, but he has his ways to get where he wants to go. He loves his toys, play-mat and bouncy seat.

Jesse is much more laid back.  He too is moving around a bit.  He'll roll over when he wants to.  He love to play on the play-mat.  He especially likes these little toys that you pull on and the shake when you let go.  He still is the one that laughs the most.  His giggle is contagious.  Of course every-time I try to get it on video he stops... 

Both boys are to a point where they like to know where the other on is.  Especially, when we are in a crowd.

I'll be back later to update what the NICU clinic has to say...

5 MONTHS

Parker & Jesse are 5 months old...holy cow.

Parker weighs about 12lbs. and is 23" long.  He can roll over from tummy to back.  Right now Parker is in LOVE with his burp rag.  He hugs it grabs it, and plays with it like it is the most awesome toy ever.  He also it smiling all the time.  He loves having his diaper changed.  He still sleeps all night.  Bedtime is now closer to 8pm or earlier if we can get them all in jammies, fed and down.  Parker is not much of napper still.  His reflux seems to be getting better, but he still spits up quite a bit.  Poor kid we call him names like, Slimey, super chucker, chuckeroni, etc...  Of course the way we say it makes smile...

Jesse weighs about 13.5lbs and is 23" long.  He can roll over from tummy to back.  Jesse loves to laugh.  He has this super cute belly laugh that I'm totally addicted to.  He loves having his diaper changed and that when he laughs the most.  Jesse sleeps all night.  The other night when I put him to be he was cooing and sighing as if to say..."thank you so much for putting me to bed, I love my beddy"...  Jesse will nap somedays pretty well others not so much.  Jesse eats like a chow hound and we call him names like Chunky monkey, super chunk, super cheeks... He looks so much like his Daddy he get's called mini me a lot too.

We went to the NICU reunion and saw our "roomie" Tinley.  She is so cute with her chubby cheeks.  It was amazing to see how may families were blessed with the RMH NICU's care.

That same day we also had the walk to remember and were able to take time to remember Eleanna.  We were able to share the day with Mike & Teresa, and think of Ayla too.  It was hard looking at the boys and knowing they would not be here if Eleanna was.  I know that God has it all figured out.  I feel so blessed to have the boys. I also feel so blessed to know Mike & Teresa.  All things are possible because of what God had planned for us.  Still being the human that I am it's hard to trust in him all the time.  But I'm learning.

is anyone else disturbed by this?

This weekend I spent some time with my niece and my cousins' children.  Peppa* Pig was on.  I looked over at Todd and said "this is just not right".

If you have never seen the before these disturbing little piggies talk with British accents which only adds to the funny factor...  In particular I find "Daddy" pig to be the most disturbing...

The Days are long but the months go by fast...

The boys will be 4 months old on the 10th.

Holy cow!  Somedays it seems like yesterday other times it seems like years...

I looked through my calendar from last year.  We are just about to the point where we were starting the cycle resulted in Parker and Jesse last year.  Their embryo transfer was on Halloween...crazy...

Parker if I had to guess is knocking on the door of 10lbs. He is wearing 0-3 month clothes.  We just put away the newborn stuff last week for him. He still is having issues with refulx and we had to put him on Axid.  We also put a tsp of rice cereal in his bottles.  Sometime it seems to help other times he just seems to yak everything up and cry...

Parker has been making lots more "cute baby noises".  He also smiles more too.  His umbilical hernia is getting much smaller.  I am hoping that it is gone before his 1st birthday.  Parker is such a snuggler he loves to have his blankie righ up by his face.  He has also found his thumb from time to time, which mostly results in him having slimey hands... Parker sleeps through the night which is awesome.  We start getting ready for bed about 8pm.  Usually, he's in bed asleep till 5am.  Sometimes we even have to wake him up to get ready to go to Kristina's.

Jesse if I had to guess is somewhere between 10 and 11lbs. He's been wearing 0-3 month clothes for a couple of weeks now. He's such a happy boy.  He hardly ever spits up.  He seems to sometimes need help in the #2 department and then all is right with his world.

Jesse is the favorite of the other kids at the babysitters...because he's so happy and less likely to spit up.  He has been smiling for a while and now will giggle when you tickle his belly.  Aww...so cute...  He fights sleep something fierce.  Watch out when he's over tired...  It seems that nothing will make him happy then...  Jesse is also sleeping though the night on Parker's same schedule.  He's also pretty much given up the pacifier...most of the time he just spits it out.

We just started the process of totally weaning them off the caffeine and monitors.  Hopefully we will be off all of those by October...  I feel so lucky that they are good sleepers at night.  It definitely helps with out sanity.  They both also love to be outside...when it's been not too hot I love taking them out in the stroller.  We even went to a parade a couple of weeks ago.

The older I get the better Heaven seems to me...

Death, Heaven, Forever...they are a part of everyone's life.

We think about it sometimes daily, sometimes hourly and sometimes not at all because this "life" we are living here on earth is too busy.

This past week my dear SIL Megan had to say good bye to her Gramms.  I really only watched this duo in action from afar, but it is very evident that there is and was a great love between her family and her Gramms.  None the less this all got me to thinking about heaven.

I can't help but think how much heaven has changed for me over the years.  From a simple explanation of where the kitten went to when it died to now a place that I look forward to calling my home.  Each time another amazing person who touched my life leaves this earth to enter heavens gates it makes me even more glad to know that heaven will be there for me too.

Of course all this talk about heaven does not mean that I'm ready "kick the bucket".  I'm pretty sure God's a whole lot more planned for me.  None the less, since Eleanna died I have felt even more at ease with death, because well, if Heaven is a good enough place to send my precious Eleanna, then it must be good enough for me too.

I suppose that there are some at the end of their life that would feel the same way I'm starting to.  I can only imagine that as my list of those I can't wait to reunite with in Heaven grown the fonder I will become of it.  Of course there are moments where I wish for just a few moments...maybe in a dream I could hold my sweet girl, sit next to my Grandpa's and meet my Father in Law.  Till then there will be times where I think of heaven as a wonderful place that I will get to some day.  Just like all those places on this earth that I would love to see as well.

On my journey to heaven Megan's Gramms's service reminded me that it's important to Pray, be joyful, do it anyway and love... It always amazes me how God uses his people to give his grace to this world.  Thank you Betty for being a part of God's Grace (Agape) in my life.

Happy Birthday in Heaven...

July 16, Eleanna spent her first birthday in heaven.

We had planned to go to the cemetery with the boys and release balloons.  The weather has been dreadfully hot, so we didn't go.  I found myself sad most of the day, but was glad to remember her and Ayla. 

I spoke with Ayla's Mom on Tuesday we both were feeling down, but I'm so blessed to have Teresa and Mike on this journey with us.  

 Each day I spend missing her.  I wonder what she would look like.  Would she look like Parker or Jesse.  Would she have had red hair too?  Would she be getting teeth, crawling...  There's part of me that can't wait till I get to see her in heaven.  I hope she knows that even if we didn't do those things for her on her birthday; she is ever in our hearts and always in my thoughts.  

July 18th was the boys due date.  

It's hard to believe that they should just be getting here.  

They both are wearing newborn clothes.  Jesse seems to be filling them out quickly, but I don't think that he's ready for the next size yet.  

They both are eating a lot.  Parker eats between 80-120ml about every 3-4 hours.  Jesse eats 100-200ml every 4-5 hours and has been sleeping from about midnight-2am till 9am.  

Parker's refulx bothers him quite a  bit and he spits up more than Jesse.  

They both hold their heads us really well.  They also are starting to enjoy some time awake.  They like the bouncy seat.  I've also been able to take them on a couple of stroller rides.  In all my years of infertility that was one thing that I was looking forward to the most.  Pushing them in the stroller.    The first time I pushed them down the street my eyes welled up with big crocodile tears.  

Well it seems Jesse wants to eat again...

There's no place like home...

We are home.  After 58 days in the Rockford Memorial NICU Jesse & Parker are home.  

7/6/12

What a difference a week makes.  Not long after my last post the boys quickly caught on to eating. And within a few days it was clear that they would be coming home soon.  Parker was the first to have his "light turn on" one night I left and he finished his 60ml bottle and when we came back in the morning the nurses informed us he finished every other bottle that night.  The proceeded to take his feeding tube out and give him a trial run of eating.  Of course the rest of the day he did not eat as well but maintained weight.  The next day he lost weigh, but finally the third day ( also the day Jesse started his trial) he gain weight.  Dr. Headly then said they could both go home.  

Jesse now is the big eater eating sometimes 120+ml per feeding.  He'll go 4+ hours between feedings.  Very nice in the night.  Parker will eat anywhere from 40-70ml every 2-4 hours.  He sure lets you know when he wants to eat... or wants anything else for that matter.  Parker's reflux is worse than Jesse's but both tend to spit up...normal preemie stuff I'm told...Today I'm on my third shirt. 

It's been interesting finding out what works for us as far as a routine.  Since they are on ad-lib feedings it makes it a little difficult.  But, things get a bit easier each day.  

We've had a few visitors since they have come home...

 Great Grandpa Earl

 Great Grandma Parkinson

 Uncle Frank & Aunt Bess

 Grandma Marsh

So frustrated...

Today has been a long day...

The boys were circumcised, had an EKG, and are not progressing as quickly as I would like with eating from a bottle.

Good news is the EKG was fine they just have some normal immaturity issues that will have to be followed up on.  And even though they seem uncomfortable today I'm sure they will recover ok from their circumcision.    


What has me so frustrated is that time seems to just slipping away so quickly and I only have a few precious weeks left before I have to go back to work.  I'm feeling like I am totally getting cheated out of my maternity leave that I worked so hard for.  I feel like my babies will go from being cared for by nurses to being cared for by a babysitter. 

I'm sure all Moms that work feel this way and just wish they could stay home with them.  No matter how I try to make the budget work staying home is not an option.  So, I just have to suck it up an move forward.  I keep praying that every day will be the day I walk in there and they "got it" and we can go home.  But, each day it seems like forever away.  

Don't get me wrong when I start to feel sorry for myself I remember that there are some who will never take their babies home from the NICU.  Or there are those who have been there so much longer than we will be there.

On a happier note the boys had some special people come an hold them this past weekend.

Uncle Steve & Aunt Megan

Aunt Stacy

They are also growing a lot.  They both weigh over 6 1/2lbs.

Parker Practicing his TOUCHDOWN...

Jesse and Great Grandpa Earl on his 90th birthday 6/26/12.

Some of the best things about having babies after IVF...

Last nigh I had a girls night with my bff and realized some great things about having your babies via. IVF and c-section.  

1.  When Parker and Jesse ask how they were "made".  I can just tell them truthfully we went to the Dr. and they took some of Daddy's cells and some of Mommy's cells and put them together in Mommy's tummy...

2. When they ask how they got of Mommy's tummy I can show them my scar and say I went to the Dr.'s and they took them out of there.   

3.  After all the shots, ultrasounds, physical pain, emotional stress, excitement, worries, and hopes when I hold them I know that it was all worth it.  It was all I ever wanted and so much more.  

Father's Day

T

Today was Todd's first official Father's day.  Last year we were just expecting Eleanna.  To say that the last year has had a lot of highs and lows is an understatement.

We spent today taking turns cuddling, feeding and changing the boys diapers.  Father's day has been a melancholy day for the last few years and it felt great to enjoy today.

To those that are still in the midst of infertility I can only imagine that you are not wanting to read another Mom's gushing post about Father's day.  Which honestly may even be harder than Mother's Day.    I know for me I prayed and prayed to give Todd Father's day.  Maybe even more than I wanted Mother's Day for me.  For those who are still waiting to celebrate.  You are already a parent, your heart already loves someone...it's just you haven't met yet.  Weather it's by a medical miracle, a surprise, an adoption, or even just a special child to finds their way into your life with out calling you Mommy or Daddy you are a parent.  

I'm so blessed to have a great man to raise my babies with he loves these little guys and our little angel in heaven so much.  It makes my heart expand every time I see him with them.

Parker

Jesse

Both boys have graduated to bassinets this week.  This means that they are able to keep warm on their own. (which means we have completed 2 of the 3 things they need to do to go home: 1. Breath with out assistance 2. Keep warm in their clothes 3. Gain weight while eating all feeds from a bottle or breast feeding.) They have been working on eating from bottles and breast feeding.  It's a slow process, but they are making progress.  Parker was able to drink 32ml and Jesse drank 30ml at their max so far.  Their total feeding is about 50ml so they are taking a good bit of it before they tucker out.  They have also been gaining tons of wight they are knocking on the door of 6lbs today at 5lbs 14oz...    

They still fit in a few few of their preemie clothes, but for the most part they are wearing new born clothes now.  They are also making more cute faces all the time.  They smerk and smile.  They also  usually open their eyes when I say hello in the morning to them.  I love it.

I have kind of gotten used to my daily/weekly routine, which helps makes the time that they are their easier.  I joke with the nurses that I should be on the pay roll.  Each morning I get up around 6 to pump. I shower, eat breakfast and head to RMH to see the boys.  If I have my stuff ready to go I get there about 9am.  They are eating every 3 hours and their feedings are at 9am, 12pm, 3pm...so, now that they are bottle feeding, or working on breast feeding I try to be there for 3-4 feedings each day.  I also change their diapers, take their temps, snuggle/hold them & give them baths.  It's amazing how fast the time goes.  Sometimes it seek out for an hour or so to do some shopping or have lunch not from the cafeteria.

One Month Old.

Both Boys continue to eat and grow.

We are working with them on learning to breast feed and take a bottle.  They are making progress, but it's a slow process.  They tire out pretty easy and they are really only awake enough to try about every other feeding time.  I'm assured that there will be a day soon that they will "just get it".  Of course this makes me want to spend more time with them at the NICU making sure that every time they look ready to try to eat that they get a chance to work on it.

They have been growing like weeds.  They both weighed 5lbs 2oz yesterday.  Parker was just a tiny bit heavier by 5 grams.  So he was the big brother.  They have been neck and neck for the last week or so.  Each day they have a competition to see who's the big brother.

They are pretty much grown out of the preemie clothes.  They are getting better at keeping warm and once they catch on to eating they will be out of the isoletes, and in bassinets.

I been pumping everyday since they were born about 6-10 times a day.  I know that it's good for them.  I  make plenty of milk to go around, but honestly I really do not like doing it.  There are times where it's painful, and I'd just rather sleep.  That's where it's harder to have them not with me all the time.  It is easier to pump while I'm there with them and the worst time is pumping in the early morning when all I want to do is sleep.

Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful to have my boys.  I love looking at their adorable faces.  Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that they are mine.  It's true what they say though.  The pains of infertility do not go away after they are here.  I still feel mad that it took so long and it's been so difficult.  I joke that I have used every bit of medical technology to bring my babies home.  From IVF, to cerclage, to the NICU my children are not just a gift from God, but also from modern medicine.  I'm so thankful to the men and women dedicated to saving these precious babies for us.

Todd will be celebrating his first father's day this weekend.  I wish out little guys were home for this...

Hopefully I can get a picture of them together again.  I had planned to on Monday.

Level II...one step closer...

The boys have been doing really well for the last few days.  They were moved to the NICU annex.  This area only has 4 other babies.  It is much more calm and quiet.  The boy seem to be able to rest better there without all the ringing and dinging from the all the monitors that are constantly.

Today Parker weighs 3lbs 12oz which is us 25grams; Jesse is 4lbs 2.5oz which is actually down just a bit.  They are now classified as Level II NICU patients which means that they are stable and they are closer to coming home.  This next week the plan is to start nursing them to get them started with the process of getting off of the feeding tubes.  They are still also in incubators to help keep them warm since they still have some fattening up to do.

We were also able to hold them close together. And both Grandma's were able to hold both of them.

This picture of Parker was just to cute not to add to the post today.

I will try and update later this week after we get started with their feedings.  Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers.  With any luck they will be home in the next few weeks.