Homemade Happenings

18 Weeks

2012-02-15T12:31:00.000-08:00

How big are they: Head to rump, your babies are about 5 1/2 inches long (about the length of a bell pepper) and they weigh almost 7 ounces.

Maternity Clothes: I need some more pants. I'm hoping to get some soon.

Weight Gain: Not sure my next appointment is the 23rd.

Belly: My bump seems bigger this week. I've had less round ligament pain in my lower abdomen. I think that everything has all popped out of that area and has moved farther up. This is causing more heartburn though...

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had. I can't really tell at this point.

Sleep: I'm still getting up a couple times at night. I've been going to bed earlier like 8:30pm so I usually get up one time before midnight and once around 3:00 am.

Best Moment of the Week: We picked out blue paint for their room. Todd has it up on the walls Hopefully we'll get our new carpet in soon.

Movement: They we kind of quiet for a few days. But, at the beginning of this week started wiggling to point where I could feel it again. I love it. I can't wait for Todd to feel it too...

Symptoms: I have had nose bleeds and congestion Morning and night. Not too fun, but not too bad either. I'm not completely sure but I think I've been having a few Braxton-hicks contractions from time to time.

Food Cravings: Nothing really, but I do seem extra hungry again.

Gender: Two little buddy boys...

What I Miss: I'm still missing Eleanna. She'll always be my only little girl...

What I'm Looking Forward to: I'm looking forward to our next ultrasound on the 23rd. I can't wait to see how big they have gotten.

Weekly Wisdom: Take some tissues to bed with you. You don't think you have to blow your nose before, but once you lay down...you will...

Milestones: We've started getting their room together.

Emotions: Excited to be going to our next ultrasound, and still excited about their room.

17 Weeks

2012-02-08T06:38:00.000-08:00

How big are they: Baby Center Says... Your baby weighs 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and they are around 5 inches long from head to bottom.

Maternity Clothes: I need some more pants. I did get a great stash from my SIL.

Weight Gain: about 8 pounds.

Belly: My bump seems the same. But I have been feeling more round ligament pains so I bet it's getting bigger.

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had.

Sleep: I have to get up a few more times at night to go to the bathroom. But, it also seems to be the times when Holly is forcing Todd to take her out. I used to be able to sleep through that. Also, I have been having crazy dreams...

Best Moment of the Week: We got our curtains and lamp for the babies' room. We plan to get the paint picked out this weekend.

Movement: They really like Wendy's wild berry lemonade...it makes them dance around like crazy. :)

Symptoms: They are getting better.

Food Cravings: I had to get oreos last night on the way home from bible study.

Gender: Two little buddy boys...

What I Miss: I'm still missing Eleanna. She'll always be my only little girl...

What I'm Looking Forward to: I'm looking forward to our next ultrasound. I can wait to see how big they have gotten.

Weekly Wisdom: don't skip breakfast. It makes you and the babies cranky.

Milestones: We plan start painting their room. We have all the furniture move out of there.

Emotions: Excited to get things started on their room.

16 weeks...I'm no good at guessing...

2012-01-31T05:53:00.000-08:00

How big are they: Baby Center Says... Right now, they are about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces.

Maternity Clothes: I need to start searching for some more items.

Weight Gain: about 8 pounds.

Belly: Bump is bigger this week when the measured I was measuring about what a 20 week singleton pregnancy would be...

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had.

Sleep:Not as good, but I think it's because Todd and Holly are restless...

Best Moment of the Week: Finding out the gender of the babies...

Movement: Feeling them more now. Baby B is right under my belly button so I feel him quite a bit.

Symptoms: They are getting better.

Food Cravings: Nothing new this week.

Gender: After a UT student spent 20 minutes or so trying to find out. There are 2 boys!

What I Miss: I'm still missing Eleanna. She'll always be my only little girl...

What I'm Looking Forward to: After finding out the gender I just want them here even more. Bring on the football...

Weekly Wisdom: You are no good at guessing...what ever you think...guess the opposite...

Milestones: We found out what they are and picked out their names for the most part.

Emotions: Really excited to have 2 little buddies.

14 weeks

2012-01-19T05:34:00.000-08:00

How big are they: Baby Center Says... Your babies are stretching out. From head to bottom, they each measure 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and weighs1 1/2 ounces.

Maternity Clothes: I need to start searching for some more items.

Weight Gain:Not sure.

Belly: There is definitely a bump this week. My belly is more "firm" and round everywhere now.

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had.

Sleep:Not as tired this week, but I do still enjoy my extra rest on the weekends.

Best Moment of the Week:We had another ultrasound at last week's appointment and they really do look more like babies now. It has been so great sharing those pictures with family & friends.

Movement: Just started feeling some flutters.

Symptoms: They are getting better.

Food Cravings: Nothing new this week.

Gender: We still haven't found out yet, but I can't wait. I hope they will take a peak on my next appointment on February 1st so we can know then. Otherwise we will have to wait till our "big" ultrasound on the 23rd.

What I Miss: I'm still missing Eleanna. This week marked 6 months since she went to heaven.

What I'm Looking Forward to: I'm looking forward to February 1st when we hope to find out what if A & B are Boys, Girls or one of each. Then we can get started full swing on their room.

Weekly Wisdom: Life is hard...take time to share your feelings with those who understand.

Milestones: No Dr. appointments for 2 weeks.

Emotions: Sad about how long Eleanna has been gone. Also disappointed that our friends Mike & Theresa miscarried their rainbow over Christmas. Mike & Theresa's daughter Ayla was born and went to heaven the same day as Eleanna in the room next to me at the hospital. She was at 33 weeks gestation and suffered a cord accident. Through our support group we have become friends and I care for them deeply. I can only hope that they are blessed with another healthy pregnancy soon.

6 months in heaven...

2012-01-17T05:56:00.001-08:00

Six months ago we said hello and goodbye to our little baby Eleanna...

Six months ago I held her tiny hand in mine...

Six months ago I counted the perfect, tiny, toes on her adorable little feet...

Six months ago I became a Mother...

Today I love her just as much as then...

Today I miss her more than yesterday...

Today I know she's in my heart forever...

Today I know heaven's light shines a little brighter because she's there...

13 weeks

2012-01-11T08:13:00.000-08:00

How big are they: Baby Center Says... Your babies are almost 3 inches long (the size of a medium shrimp) and weigh nearly an ounce.

Maternity Clothes: Had say good by to my regular pants this week. After the cerlage it was just too uncomfortable.

Weight Gain:Not sure

Belly: There is definitely a bump this week.

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had.

Sleep: Still really tired.

Best Moment of the Week: Feeling the babies move a little bit here and there.

Movement: Just started feeling some flutters.

Symptoms: They are getting better.

Food Cravings: Nothing new this week.

Gender: We still haven't found out yet, but I can't wait.

What I Miss: I'm still missing Eleanna. I don't think this will ever change. While at the hospital had had one of the same nurses that I had while I was in July. She gave me a big hug and we shared some happy tears.

What I'm Looking Forward to: I'm looking forward to the end of January First part of February when we will find out what if A & B are Boys, Girls or one of each.

Weekly Wisdom: When your regular pants are totally uncomfortable it's time to put them away.

Milestones: The Cerclage is complete with few complication.

Emotions: I'm glad that the Cercalge is in. I am anxious to have the weeks pass and them safely here.

Cerclage complete.

2012-01-07T10:09:00.000-08:00

I had the cerlage Thursday.

The morning started early with our arrival at RMH at 6:30 am.

They first tried to settle us into the room where I was when I lost Eleanna. After I said something they moved me next door. They put in my IV and took some blood. I also was doing a 24 hour urine test for a protein reference for my high bp.

Dr. came in and did a quick ultrasound to check the babies. Both had good heartbeats and she made a comment that baby B had a cute foot. :)

They sent the anesthesiologist in to explain the spinal block. The spinal proved to be the most uncomfortable part of the day.

At 8:00 am they took me down to the OR. It was freezing in there. Which I do understand why. OR's are cold to promote the sterile environment. By the time we were done with surgery I was so cold I could not control my shivering.

They gave me the spinal block. It hurt. I'm not going to lie. They give you a bit of numbing meds and then inject the meds right into your spine. As I'm typing this I can still feel where the injection was. Soon after my legs began to feel like the had fallen asleep. You know that kind of pins and needles feeling. They had my legs "tied" up in the air when I lost all feeling so when they put them down it still felt like the were in the air...such a strange feeling. The surgery seemed to last a long time. I could feel tugging and pulling. When the surgery was over Dr. Platt said that my cervix was open a bit. So, it's a good thing that we did not wait on doing the surgery.

They then moved me up to recovery. At this point I was shaking from being so cold. They had to put several blankets on me to get me warmed up. I was also starving at this point. I did not get sick from the spinal at all. It did feel so strange to not be able to move my legs for at least and hour or so after.

The Dr. came in with the ultrasound and checked on the babies again. They both were really bouncing around in there. She checked over their anatomy and said that their stomach, brain, arms and legs all looked good and healthy. They both had strong heart beats again. I'm not completely sure, but I think I may have been feeling some flutters this week. :)

Shortly after they let me eat some Jello and move back to the regular room. Then I could eat some "real" food. Then we just hung out till my legs, etc. regain their feeling. Which took until 2:30... I could not believe that it took that long. It seemed to take forever.

We got home and I just relaxed for the evening and all day Friday. I felt a little uncomfortable most of the day Friday, but today. It's much better.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Now all we need to do is keep these babies cookin' till June/ July.

12 Weeks

2012-01-04T05:49:00.000-08:00

How Far Along: 12 weeks

I'm excited to have this picture from Baby Center this week. It actually shows fraternal twins at 12 weeks.

How big are they: Baby Center Says... From crown to rump, your babies-to-be are just over 2 inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce.

Maternity Clothes: I'm thinking it will be time to put the regular pants away. The shirts are still OK.

Weight Gain: maybe 2-4 pounds. We'l see tomorrow.

Belly: starting to bump out a bit more this week

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had.

Sleep: Still really tired, and I usually have to get up to pee 1x or more per night.

Best Moment of the Week: Sharing our ultrasound pictures with Todd's sister.

Movement: Not feeling them yet but, I can't wait till we get to that point.

Symptoms: Still feeling sick and exhausted, But I'm not complaining. :)

Food Cravings: Nothing new this week.

Gender: We still haven't found out yet, but I can't wait. We plan to paint their room as soon as we know so we can get our new carpet installed.

What I Miss: I'm still missing Eleanna. I don't think this will ever change. I'm still getting "baby" mail for her. I'm sure that if I was not pregnant now it would be 10x worse.

What I'm Looking Forward to: I'm looking forward to the end of January First part of February when we will find out what if A & B are Boys, Girls or one of each.

Weekly Wisdom: Sleep is good.

Milestones: I will be having the Cerclage tomorrow.

Emotions: I'll be glad to have the cerclage behind us. The babies will be "trapped" in there till they are good and ready to come out at 37 weeks.

The new year promises to be much better than the last. We are so blessed to have this opportunity. I can't wait to meet and hold these screaming babies :)

Time for Surgery...

2012-01-03T07:17:00.000-08:00

Cerclage (tracheloplasty)

A surgical method for closing an incompetent cervix during pregnancy to prevent premature delivery. A stitch is placed around the cervix, or opening between the uterus and vaginal tract, to keep it closed during pregnancy. This is only needed in cases where a woman has a diagnosis of cervical incompetence.

A McDonald cerclage, described in 1957 is the most common, and is essentially a pursestring stitch used to cinch the cervix shut; the cervix stitching involves a band of suture at the upper part of the cervix while the lower part has already started to efface. This cerclage is usually placed between 12 weeks and 24 weeks of pregnancy. The stitch is generally removed around the 37th week of gestation.

Thursday I'll be going in for an elective cerlclage. The picture above illustrates what will be going on. I plan to lay low this weekend and relax and catch up on some movies.

11 weeks

2011-12-30T05:11:00.000-08:00

How Far Along: 11 weeks

How big are they: Baby Center Says... The babies are just over 1 1/2 inches long and about the size of a fig, are now almost fully formed. Their hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under her gums, and some of their bones are beginning to harden.

Maternity Clothes: Regular clothes for the most part I do wear my maternity jeans but just because they are more comfortable.

Weight Gain: maybe 1-2 pounds

Belly: starting to bump out a bit.

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had.

Sleep: Still really tired, and I usually have to get up to pee 1x or more per night.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing baby A do a "cartwheel"...

Movement: Not feeling them yet but, they were really dancing on the ultrasound.

Symptoms: This week the mornings have been rough. I think that I have phlegm draining at night and it's not a good combination with an empty stomach.

Food Cravings: I like my lucky charms in the morning.

Gender:We will find out this time. Not sure the heartbeats had more of a difference this week...so maybe one of each..

What I Miss: I'm still missing Eleanna. Christmas morning was ok till we went by the cemetery and I knew her little body was there...

What I'm Looking Forward to: I'm looking forward to the end of January First part of February when we will find out what if A & B are Boys, Girls or one of each.

Weekly Wisdom: If you are feeling sick just go ahead and get it up... (sorry for the TMI)

Milestones: Baby A did a "cartwheel" at the ultrasound. We could also see their little arms and legs clearly this week. They actually look like little babies not just "beans"...

Emotions: Still really excited that things are moving forward with the circlage...one big milestone will be over then. Also, it has been so great sharing our news of the twins with our friends and family. To see the happy tears in their eyes is such a gift of grace. We know that these babies are not just ours, but they belong to our whole community of family and friends.

I'm not going to sugar coat it either Christmas was difficult. It so hard to think of what should have been when you hit milestones like that, because you had dreams and thoughts of how that day would be.

10 weeks

2011-12-23T05:52:00.000-08:00

How Far Along: 10 weeks

How big are they: Though they are barely the size of a kumquat — a little over an inch or so long, crown to bottom — and weigh less than a quarter of an ounce, your babies have now completed the most critical portion of their development. This is the beginning of the so-called fetal period, a time when the tissues and organs in his body rapidly grow and mature.

Maternity Clothes: Regular clothes for the most part, though I am really liking the comfort of an elastic waist band...

Weight Gain: maybe 1-2 pounds

Belly: Fuller in my lower abs. The pants keep getting tighter in the middle

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had.

Sleep: Still really tired, and I usually have to get up to pee 1x or more per night.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing baby B wiggle around so much they had a hard time getting it's heartbeat and sharing that moment with my Mom, and telling a couple of the guys here at work we were having twins and them giving me hugs with tears in their eyes...so touching to know they care so much.

Movement: Not feeling them yet but, they were really dancing on the ultrasound.

Symptoms: The evenings are getting worse. But, again if I eat I'm ok.

Food Cravings: Nothing really.

Gender:We will find out this time. I'm still thinking 2 girls.

What I Miss: I'm still missing Eleanna it's hard not to think that I would be home on maternity leave with her if things had gone according to plan. We love her so much and know that she's somewhere much more awesome than here. This week in particular the lightly falling snow and several other holiday moments have really made me miss her.

What I'm Looking Forward to: The circlage is scheduled for January 5th.

Weekly Wisdom: It's ok to be sad but don't let it hinder the joy.

Milestones: NO More Shots!

Emotions: Really excited that things are moving forward with the circlage...one big milestone will be over then.

9 weeks

2011-12-15T05:37:00.000-08:00

How Far Along: 9 weeks

How big are they: Your new residents are nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weigh just a fraction of an ounce each.

Maternity Clothes: Regular clothes for the most part. I did order some more "comfty" pants for this in between time...

Weight Gain: none I'm at the same weight I was just before IVF

Belly: Fuller in my lower abs. This have been aching I would suppose due to growth...

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had.

Sleep: So sleepy last night I fell asleep in the car on the way home from the Dr. at 6pm and pretty much slept until 6 this morning...and I could go back to sleep now.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing the little critters strong heart beats with Todd.

Movement: Nothing yet

Symptoms: Mornings are rough till I eat something. Lately it's been lucky charms. I know not exactly health food...

Food Cravings: Fruit is still so yummy. I'm still liking the Mexican stuff too.

Gender:We will find out this time. I'm still thinking 2 girls.

What I Miss: I'm still missing Eleanna it's hard not to think that I would be home on maternity leave with her if things had gone according to plan. We love her so much and know that she's somewhere much more awesome than here.

What I'm Looking Forward to: I can't wait to be out of the first trimester and have the circlage done.

Weekly Wisdom: Things can wait...don't let the messy house drive you too crazy.

Milestones: Seeing them grow to look more and more like tiny babies.

Emotions: Still a bit sad that I have to so this all over again, but so excited it's twins and they are doing well.

8 WEEKS

2011-12-12T07:39:00.000-08:00

How Far Along: 8 weeks, 5 days

Maternity Clothes: Still wearing my regular clothes fir the most part but, I'm getting thicker in the middle so I did bust our my maternity jeans for comfort...

Weight Gain: none I'm at the same weight I was just before IVF

Belly: Fuller in my lower abs.

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had.

Sleep: Really tired in the evenings I usually end up falling asleep on the couch at 8pm. I usually have to get up to pee at night.

Best Moment of the Week: Hearing both of the baby's heartbeats on the ultrasound.

Movement: Nothing yet

Symptoms:I do not feel not well most mornings because I need to eat. I have the same thing in the evenings. I'm trying to eat little bits more often witch seems to help.

Food Cravings: Vegetables & fruit always sounds really delicious. I eat 1-2 bananas a day. I also really like yogurt and Mexican food always sounds awesome.

Gender: We will be finding out this time. We will be having a ultrasound every week, so it will be hard not to know. If I had to guess right now...2 girls.

What I Miss:My baby Eleanna, but I'm so glad she's watching over all of us. :)

What I'm Looking Forward to: I can't wait to feel them moving around in there I hear it can be sooner with twins.

Weekly Wisdom: When in doubt pray and take a nap.

Milestones:Hearing the heartbeats and making plans Maternal fetal medicine.

Emotions: Still apprehensive, but looking forward to being out of the first trimester.

Operation Bring Home Baby...

2011-11-28T14:58:00.000-08:00

We had our first ultrasound today...

They didn't let me see right away, but Dr. said everything looked good...

Finally they let me look...First I could see one perfect flicker...then he moved over and there it was another heart beating...

WHOLLY MOLEY...it's twins...

The babies both measured 6w 3d. I am actually 6w 5d so that is just perfect... (they want you to measure within 5 days)

I'm still kind of in shock. At this point I am trying to focus on just being excited. This is such a huge blessing, but it is risky. At this point I'm just trusting in the Dr.'s and God...

We dropped some paperwork off to RMH maternal fetal medicine. They should be calling to make an appointment soon.

Project Find Her. Please Help bring Elsabeth home...

2011-11-19T06:01:00.000-08:00

Some dear friends of ours are making plans to bring there adopted daughter home from Ethiopia.

Dave and Heather have been such a blessing to Todd, Eleanna and I. Dave was the musician at Eleanna's memorial service. What he gave our family in the most difficult of times cannot ever be re-paid.

Please read more about them on their website and consider giving them a $5 donation. One thing is certain in God all things are possible. Wouldn't it be awesome to be part of making what God started possible.

Project: Find Her. This succinct three-word title summarizes the compelling personal calling of Dave and Heather Redmore as they step out in faith and heed God’s call to adopt a child from Ethiopia. Their full story serves as a captivating combination of faith, love, and hope.

On December 1, Dave and Heather will make their first trip to Africa. Immediate costs for travel are high.
Please help! Support the GiveFiveDrive.

Five Great Reasons to Give $5 – or more – to help Dave and Heather fund their flights to Ethiopia and bring Elsa home:

1. You can defray the cost of airfare. With less than the cost of a drive-thru meal, you can join other loving supporters to tackle the costs of transportation --- in excess of $6,000 for two trips to Africa.

2. You can feel good inside knowing you are helping a loving family welcome a beautiful gift from God into their home. After the first trip to Ethiopia she will no longer be an orphan. After the second trip she will be welcomed by her “forever family” in Freeport.

3. You can help fulfill a true calling, by matching a helpless little girl with the people who were given the challenge from God to “Find Her.”

4. You can feel part of a global community as well as a local effort. From Africa to the USA, from Amhara, Ethiopia to Freeport, Illinois, people are aware of Elsa’s story and the Redmore’s passion to respond to God’s guidance.

5. You will see the end result of your generosity. With your help and a little luck, Elsa will be home in just a couple short months… a heartwarming example of what can happen when caring hearts band together. All who contribute will be given regular updates on adoption efforts.

Take action by Giving Five right now. Every contribution counts! Just count your fingers (and thumb!) and then look at your outstretched hand. Reach it out to the Redmores as they trust in their ability to bring Elsa home.

Third beta...

2011-11-14T10:34:00.000-08:00

The third beta is in 951.

So here's the breakdown...mostly so I can have it for reference.

10 DPT 211

12 DPT 381 56.3 hours doubling time

15 DPT 951 54.31 hours doubling time

Nurse Cindy said all looks really good and we scheduled the first ultrasound for 11/28/11. I was really hoping to have the ultrasound before Thanksgiving. But, you want to wait 6+ weeks so that you'll be able to see the little one(s) heart beat(s)...

This Thanksgiving we have so much to be thankful for. Although there is still a big part of me that is still really mad that I'm not on Maternity leave right now with my little Eleanna, bur I'm so blessed that I have her in my heart this Thanksgiving.

So, if you are wanting to keep track with me today I'm 4 weeks 5 days.

Just keep growing little one(s)... Eleanna you keep watching over you little brother(s) or sister(s)...

Second beta...

2011-11-11T07:35:00.001-08:00

I went into the hospital early this morning for blood work again.

It was Rookie day there newbie in registration & a student took my blood today...she did good...

I just wish the nurse would call so I can relax for a few weeks...I'm sure that's how this whole pregnancy will be ok for a few days after the appointments then anxious till the next one.

Once I get a call back I'll be calling Maternal Fetal Medicine to make an appointment.

***UPDATE***

Second Beta in not quite double at 381. From the online charts all seems normal. Doubling time is about 56 hours it is supposed to double within 32-72 hours so I'm well within that.

Operations bring home baby Take 2-Phase 1 COMPLETE!

2011-11-09T06:28:00.000-08:00

This morning at 3:00 am I had to "go" I could not resist taking a home test...

It was POSITIVE! Plain as day it said PREGNANT!

Whoo Hoo! Now I'm just waiting to get my beta # and what day I go back...

I'll write more then...

***this just in beta # 211***

Whoo Hoo! I go in for my second beta on Friday!

Beta Tomorrow.

2011-11-08T12:45:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I go in for my beta testing.

Honestly I'll be really surprised if it were not positive. Everything seem as it did when I found out I was pregnant with Eleanna.

I'll do a regular pregnancy test at home in the morning and I'll post the results.

Our little Embies...

2011-11-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we transferred these 2 little ones. Both are grade 4AB which I am told is very good.

From what I know of embryos from college days these are looking as they should. I almost forgot to add. We have at least 1 frozen as well. ***THIS JUST IN WE HAVE 2 FROZEN***

At this point I am really excited and am hoping for the best possible results. I will do my beta testing on Wednesday, November 9. Which at this point seems like forever, but I have a busy week ahead so that should help.

On another note... I'm feeling a little sad that I have not been to Eleanna's grave in a month or so. After someone stole her wreath from there I just don't want to go for some reason. I know that she's not there. There have been times that I have looked at her pictures and things. I feel a bit guilty that I didn't bring a little pumpkin of something out there for her. Sunday, I even looked in the flower department at the grocery store to see if there was something to take there, but nothing seemed right...

This Sunday our church will be celebrating All Saints Day for all who have passed this year. Eleanna will be honored along with a very good friend Mozelle. Oh how I miss Mozelle, but I am sure that she is up there helping take care of Eleanna, and I'm sure that the two of them are watching over all of us here including these 2 little ones...

All set for 5 day x-fer...

2011-10-27T11:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had our retrieval.

Coincidentally we were able to retrieve 18 eggs again. (we had 18 eggs last cycle too) Of those 18, 11 were mature, and here's the best part....we have 10 that fertilized!

18 must be the lucky #. Our due date will be July 18, 2011 with this retrieval date.

With that number that means were are doing a 5 day x-fer. So on Halloween (Monday) will transfer 1-2 embryos. This all really depends on how these 10 little ones are over the next few days. If they are still of good quality then we may just do one.

I am so excited this is twice as many as we had fertilized last time. We also did a 3 day transfer. I am much more excited than last time. I could do cartwheels...if it didn't feel like someone was stabbing my ovaries every time I move.

I'll keep you updated once we know more about when the transfer will be and how it turned out.

But, for now I'm just going to be super excited!

Let's harvest these Eggs...

2011-10-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

They called at set up my Retrieval for 8:30am Wednesday.

Today I had lots of large follicles on both sides. The right side still has more, but there are quite a few on the left as well.

I am really excited about all on this. For sure I will be "pregnant unless proven otherwise" by Monday. Whoo hoo!

I really do have a good feeling about all of this. I'm sure that could/ will change during the TWW and after the retrieval and we are waiting to hear our fertilization report. With our angel Eleanna watching over her bother(s) or sister(s) how could we not have success?

At this point I am so relieved that I have lots of follicles to work with and that after Wednesday pretty much this will all be out of my hands. Even if we don't get a BFP I am really hoping to freeze embryos this time for now or later :) Last time I was slightly hyperstimulated which may have been why we had not so many "great" embryos. This time it "cooked" the eggies longer, so hopefully there will be better embryos this time.

I'll keep you posted once I know more. Hopefully I'll have an "egg report" before I leave the DR. on Wednesday.

It's a little quiet on the western front...

2011-10-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

Today I went in for another Ultrasound and blood work to see how things are going.

The right ovary has over 10-12 follicles that are progressing nicely.

The left and often illusive ovary has just a couple of follicles "cookin'"

So, the are upping my dose of Gonal-F to 225 tonight, and adding 5 IU of low dose HCG.

All in all things are just progressing slower this time. But, that was kind of expected because of the lower dose of meds I have been on .

We have to go back on Saturday for another Ultrasound. Hopefully we will have a better idea of our retrieval date then. They gave us all our instructions for our "trigger" shot I was glad to find out this time it will be sub-q instead of in my backside muscle...

I'll have plenty of them after the retrieval.

I keep you posted after Saturday.

Follicles, Follicles here and there...

2011-10-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

Today we went in for my first follicle check and blood work.

I have been on a low dose of Gonal-F 75 IU am and pm. They will be upping my dose to 75 IU am and 112.5 pm. The shots don't really hurt or bother me. Although I think that the Follistim pen was easier to use... They are all done with a tiny little needles...

There seemed to be lots of follicles measuring around 5-8 mm there were not as many measured on my left ovary, but that one "hides". My estrogen level was 133.

I go back on Thursday to see how they are growing. Everything seem to be progressing as it should.

Last night I was able to go to a "Healing Hearts" meeting in Rockford. It was comforting to attend. I have made some great friends with 2 other families who lost babies right around the time we lost Eleanna. We all wish we didn't have to meet, but now they feel like family to me. I love them so much, because I know that they were sent from God to me... I know it may sound crazy. But, really there is no one else who really know how I am feeling like them. I feel so blessed to have them on this journey with me.

I made some little Halloween treats for all in attendance... It was the least I could do for those who have been such a blessing to me.

Since we have moved along a bit in the process I am feeling better. I had this fear that they were going to tell me that I would not be able to do this cycle. Now that things are "normal" and underway I am feeling better.

This past weekend I helped my Pastor at a conference on Evangelism. His talks were on faith sharing so I shared "my message" with other United Methodist members. It felt really great sharing mine & Eleanna's faith story with them...

Pastor & I had a nice chat on the way there and back. I told him that this time around I was going to be uber happy from the start...I have found there is no use in holding back excitement, etc. because of what might happen. The truth is it doesn't make loosing you baby hurt any less not getting as excited about it. This time I will not be cautiously optimistic. I will just be excited for every moment. Weather it's a few days, weeks or a whole 9 months...

Just think in the first few days of November I will know how this cycle played out. I'm planning on a BFP! By Eleanna's due date (November 29) I pray that we will see a tiny heart(s) beating on the ultrasound.

Thanks for reading...

Casting Crowns - Voice of Truth [LYRICS]

2011-10-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

All systems go for Operation Bring Home Baby...

2011-10-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today I went in for my baseline ultrasound.

All is quiet, as it should be. They will be calling me later with my dosage of Gonal-f and possibly low dose HCG. Both are tiny subcutaneous shots in my abs of flab... :)

I will also be doing lupron with these other shots.

My Mom was kind enough to get up before 5 am and ride with me in there today. Thanks Mom.

I go in for the next ultrasound on Tuesday.

All in all I am very excited about all of this. I did have some moments earlier this week where I was just so pissed off that I have do this all over again. I just want to still be pregnant. It makes me so mad that I'm not. I'm certain that these feelings are totally normal, and I would probably be odd if I did feel at least a little bit this way. I'm so glad to be at the easy part. Where I'm not waiting on anything. Right now I just give myself shots and hope that all goes as planned.

There are times where I could just fast forward to July 2012 and be holding my baby(ies)...

On thing I do know it that I will be enjoying every moment of this pregnancy. And I will be "one of those" people who call the Dr. all the time...

I have lots of IVf buddies this time on Daily Strength. There's power in numbers right?

This is all such a blessing. There are so many who would love to have the opportunity to do just one IVF. We have the possibility of 2 more fresh cycles after this or unlimited frozen cycles (as long as we have embryos frozen) It is so amazing to have that available to us.

I trying my best to put all my trust in God. It's not easy. Doubt is so easy, but it only makes you feel awful...

Last night we sang the song "The Voice of Truth"

Out of all the voice calling out to I will choose to listen & believe the VOICE of TRUTH...

Something Beautiful NeedToBreathe

2011-10-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

I really like this song... I love the lines about...will you let me drown...consume me like fire...I just want something beautiful...

How to make a baby...

2011-10-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

how most people make a baby...

One Boy + One Girl + Bow Chica Bow Wow = baby

How we make babies...

One Boy + One Girl + One Reproductive Endocrinologist + several kind nurses + (Gonal F, HCG, Lupron, estridiol patches, Progesterone) = baby

It's no wonder with IVF you can get multiples...

Here's a picture of my meds that I have gotten so far.

October 5th I start with the lupron.

Operation Bring Home Baby...take 2...

2011-09-20T12:57:00.001-07:00

We now have our tentative dates for our next IVF.

So here we go...

I start pills on this Thursday.

I will start Lupron on October 5.

I go in for my baseline ultrasound on October 13.

I should start follistim on October 15.

With those dates we are looking at a retrieval date some time around October 24.

I'm looking forward to all of this. Things are now going to be moving much more quickly now.

I will keep you all updated as things progress.

Gifts from Eleanor...

2011-09-15T07:24:00.001-07:00

Both of Todd's Grandmother's were named Eleanor.

When choosing our "girl" name I knew that I wanted a "family" name. I also liked the idea of combining names. We also wanted a name that was unique without being odd...

Hence, Eleanna. Pronouced EL-Lana.

Last night as I driving home from Church and was thinking about how connected I felt to Eleanor Marsh (Todd's Paternal Grandmother). I had never met her. She passed away in 1993 I believe. There have been many of her items that have been graciously passed down to Todd and I. We received several boxes of her cookbooks. I have made several things from them. As I have perused them & have found several hand written notes stuck in the pages. Some are just grocery lists...all are nothing in particular.

We also have a quilted wall hanging and a bed quilt that are displayed in our house. How nice to know that we are blanked in her warmth each night...

At Christmas a couple of years ago I received a ring of hers. That ring is so special to me. I knew when Eleanna was born that I wanted her picture take with that ring. When I wear it I now think of both of them Eleanor and Eleanna...

Todd also brought home a box of Eleanor's books from Grandpa's house. Last night I started to read her 1940 edition of Gone With the Wind. I have yet to see what else is in there...

I know that one should not be so wrapped up in "stuff" but, somehow it's those little things given to us by previous generations that keep us connected to them... I also have things from my Grandparents. All those things are so special to me. I think it was in the movie "The Proposal" where Betty White's character said, "Dear, we love Grandparents love giving things away...it makes us feel that like we will be with even when we are gone."... Of course that made me cry.

I can only hope that one day I could have Daughter or Daughter-in-Law to pass those things down to. Not only so Eleanor can be with them, but also so Eleanna & I can be with them as well.

After reading "Heaven is for Real" and knowing that Eleanna is safe in the Care of Eleanor Marsh, David Marsh (Todd's Dad), Eleanor Curran, Emily Meiners, Herman Meiners, and Burdette Parkinson it makes me smile and feel comforted. I know she is Ok. Even knowing that... it does not make me miss her more and more... I have to say I may even be a bit jealous of them...

My Message...

2011-09-12T06:51:00.000-07:00

I shared this message at our Wednesday night church service a few weeks ago.

Two weeks ago at Crossfire I had mentioned the joy that I had that I was able to visit my good friends' baby Ethan at the hospital the day he was born. (Josh & Jenna also struggled with infertility and we did our IVf at the same place, etc.) Pastor John mentioned something to the effect that we would be sharing in that joy some time soon... At that point I lost it...throughout that 40 minute service all I could do is cry... It wasn’t that I didn’t believe it…it was just that we were so close to having all of that joy…

I soon as the service let out I drove to the cemetery. I laid down on the ground next to Eleanna's grave and just sobbed. I just needed to get it all out... It was so odd how comfortable; how soft the ground felt...like a feather bed. At that point I knew God was with me... it wasn't long and I stopped crying... I had my IPod in hand and was playing the song “Blessings” by Laura Story… The main line of the chorus states…”what if you blessing come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a 1000 sleepless nights are it takes to know you you’re here…” I got up and looked to the sky and asked God "Why?" I hadn't really done that before. I think it was because I was afraid to…

At that moment thoughts of all those years of the sadness of infertility flooded over me. For five years I grieved for my chances at Motherhood. I grieved for relationships with friends that were fading away. I grieved for my happiness lost in wondering “would I ever be a Mother.” I felt so lost, alone and that maybe I was being punished somehow. If I was not to be a Mother that what am I supposed to be? Five years endured the feeling of having your heart ripped out time and time again. I’m not going to lie it was awful; Far worse than the grief of loosing my child has been.

Then, thoughts quickly went to all the joy I felt the moment I held Eleanna. I had received a precious gift that I had prayed for, for so long. I also thought of those that will never feel that kind of joy. To see your own creation...so beautiful, so perfect... I am so blessed to have had all of those moments of Motherhood. To see a positive pregnancy test, to see a beautiful beating heart on the ultrasound, to hear strong heart beating, to feel her kicking me. To wish that this didn’t happen would take all of that away… I know that I would probably feel differently if we had not had our struggles with infertility. Matthew 5:4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”

In the weeks since Eleanna went to heaven there are many sayings & signs that have brought me comfort. One saying in particular came to me when I really needed it. “The sorrow I have from losing you does not over shadow the joy I have from being able to love you.” I have also seen more that 5 rainbows in five weeks. I saw the first one in the first days after I went back to work…When I saw it I just stood outside our office crying. I knew that future would be better. For many who have had a loss their next baby is called their Rainbow…

I also was flooded over with the feeling that God is in control that evening in the Cemetery. I remembered those who I have met and will meet on this journey. In the few days after Eleanna’s passing I met many more Mother’s and Fathers of Angels both online & in person. One that comes to mind is Eleanor’s mother. Eleanor passed away from a cord accident at full term on June 29^th her Mother and I bonded over our Baby’s names and our conversation quickly included our faith and how we are at a turning point. We have both helped each other come to the conclusion when something like this happens you can either crawl in the hole a die along with your baby or you can accept that your child is safe in the arms of Jesus and waiting for you & move forward to achieve your earthy dreams, and help others along the way. In order to do this we would have to give up all the control to God. Again this is not an easy thing, but when you realize that you can survive a heart wrenching loss it somehow is easier. I think that JOB 21:25 sums it up pretty well. “Others die bitter and bereft, never getting a taste of happiness.” Our conversations included the thoughts that those who have had the most hardships are often are the most inspirational… We also discussed the book “Heaven is For Real” and how it was such a gift to us. If you haven’t read this book…it’s a quick easy read… It will warm your heart and reminds you that heaven is a reward and dying is most certainly not the end.

I also met Mike and Theresa their precious baby shares her birthday with Eleanna. She was born in the room next to me. Theresa was in labor for 4 days knowing that her baby would be born an Angel… Just another example that I was not alone… There have been others, even here in this room. Your love and hope that you were able to give to me has to be part of the reason…

Some might ask why if so many prayed for you and your baby why did Eleanna sill pass away? I believe whole heartedly that our prayers were heard. I felt so much comfort in those most scary times. In the hardest moments I could still feel the joy of holding our child. Because of your prayers we were and are completely surrounded by God’s love.

I believe that at least another part of reason for all of this is for those left behind to know that we are not alone. We need each other. We are bound by our hardships to give each other HOPE. We are hand picked by God to execute his Grace to those we meet; Sometimes even many years after the loss.

Moving forward I have come to a realization that you can fully accept what God has given you with out liking it. I have fully accepted that our journey to having children is difficult. Do I like it or do I think it is fair…absolutely not. I have accepted this because I know I am not alone. I have accepted it because I now see that infertility allowed me to see Joy in a very sad situation. I have accepted this burden because I have seen my self used to give God’s grace to others. I thank God for this gift of understating, And at least part of my answer to WHY?

John 16:33 “I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakeable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” I have first hand have felt that assurance and peace.

I know that there are many who have had to deal with of loss...some, many times over. Weather it be a baby, health, a spouse, friends, family… I know that some gave up and have regrets. I know that there are many that NEVER gave up and now have children on this earth, happiness & a longer life. I find the most comfort in not giving up Hope.

I had Pastor John read this verse at Eleanna’s service Lamentations is kind an often forgotten chapter…

Lamentations 3:19-36

The Message (MSG)

It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

^19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

^22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

^31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,

This verse has been marked in my bible for over 2 years. It has really helped me hold on to Hope. The other tool that has really helped me through these days is my iPod filled with songs. Many that we sing here at Crossfire. They fill up those silent moments when doubts and sadness can creep in.

Also I have several books that have been on my reading list recently. One is one year book of Hope by Nancy Gutherie…

Your comfort, cards, caring words, hugs, payers and thoughts have all sustained me in this difficult time of “cultivation”. Despite how much we may fear it we all are due for a “spiritual shake up from time to time.” What becomes of it can be a wondrous thing to be a part of…

I want so much to be pregnant again; to be part of creating another miracle with God... I now know that he is in charge of it all. There are moments…even right now that I am impatient. I am terrible at waiting for God’s plan to come to fruition. I know that God loves me so much he will not leave me whatever comes our way with the next IVF and hopefully, pregnancy. But maybe even more than that I’m excited to see what this deeper faith will bring my way. I'm so excited about what the future holds. I’m certain he’s not finished with me yet.

Ever since that day in the cemetery… The tears have been fewer. The aching in my heart is almost gone... I know that fully giving it all up to God had done that for me. It was not easy and is not easy. Each day brings a new challenge. I always felt that I was in control of at least part of this life...silly me… I now have a better understanding...

For those of you still in the midst of hardships...don't give up. For those of you who have had to say good bye too soon…don’t give up. For those of you who may be due for a spiritual “shake up” don’t be afraid of it, embrace it, & maybe, if you are really brave… even seek it out… It is in this journey that you will find the most comfort if you believe in God's love and Grace... Hold tight to it...and when worries, disappointments, and sadness start to creep in... hold tight to the little blessings you've had along the way...

Our new plan...

2011-08-08T05:01:00.000-07:00

So we have spent the last 2 Fridays at the Dr.'s. Friday the 29th we went to our new RE. He did not seem to have any concern that we would be able to get pregnant again from IVF he did have some reservations on how many embryo's we would transfer. He also gave us some questions to ask our Dr. about future pregnancy. All we have to do is wait for my next cycle to start of 6 weeks, and we will do a saline Ultrasound. Then we will be on our way to our next IVF cycle. I would think it would be some time in September/October. All in all it was a good appointment.

This past Friday we met with the perinatologist. She had the results from the pathology from the placenta. There was evidence that there was infection in the placenta. Which meant my cervix was open long enough to infect it. Which also means that even though Eleanna's main cause of demise was her cord being crushed and a blood clot. If that hadn't happened she still would have perished due to the infection. Not a great comfort, but it's good to know. We discussed both trans abdominal curclage (TAC) & trans vaginal curclage (TVC). After the discussion we came to the conclusion that at 12 weeks we would have a preventative TVC put in. We will also have weekly ultrasounds from 7-13+ weeks. We also discussed progesterone for the entire pregnancy. We will switch to weekly progesterone at about 16 weeks. Then at about 34-36 weeks they will take out the TVC and we will stop the progesterone so we can have the baby. Dr. also said that my high BP had no effect on the placenta so we will stay with our current medication for that. I will also have at least monthly testing for UTI (urinary tract infection). Dr. also said that this is all being done as a precaution and that she had no problem with us transferring 2 embryos and possibly having a twin pregnancy.

Now I am just ready to be moving forward. I hope that my period gets here soon so we can get the ball rolling sooner than later.

2011-07-28T16:45:00.000-07:00

I love my Husband & Rainbows...

2011-07-26T18:43:00.000-07:00

I just have put this out there...

I love my Husband so much. This morning when I was getting ready to go to work and just was feeling sad. I asked him for a hug. Held me...I cried... I told him I was so worried. So worried about weather or not our next round of IVF will not work. So worried that we will loose another baby. He told me that "I shouldn't worry. We have been promised great things, and although it's been hard it will happen..."

I really needed to hear that from him. I'm so blessed to have him. I thank God all the time for Todd... I'm amazed sometimes that God loved me so much to give me Todd for this life together. It most certainly has not been easy, but our love is very easy and perfectly imperfect.

Today when I was walking into work there was a rainbow. Many call their babies after a loss rainbows. I can't help but believe that God sent me that message today that I would have my rainbow... Of course seeing the rainbow turned me into a crying mess. There was a co-worker there to give me a hug...I really needed it. I'm so thankful for little blessings like this...

I'm not going to lie going back to work this week has been hard... Today I brought Eleanna's picture with me it really helped to have here there. I can't wait till I get the rest of our pictures so I can have one with me work all the time. For now I think I'll just bring it with each day since it seemed to help so much. I'm starting to wonder if I should have taken more time off and went to visit my Aunt & Uncle in Florida or something...

Of course I was just thinking about getting back to "normal", but "normal" was pregnant...

I'm not gong to find that at work... It is good to be busy though...

My Birthday is Saturday...I'm not sure what we will do yet. We may go out to eat after our Dr. appointment on Friday. Call me crazy, but I kind of want to see the Smurf movie...hehe...

Thank you all for your continued prayers and encouragement. I have to say I feel all the prayers...

For Eleanna...

2011-07-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

For one tiny baby with perfect tiny feet... you have left an enormous mark on this world. You were loved so much not only by Mom and Daddy, but by so many. You were only with us for 20 weeks. It seems that you have been with us so much longer. Not many can say that the knew someone since they were just 10 or 11 cells big. You are God's miracle. With heavy hearts,we gave you back to God yesterday for his keeping. I know that you are in his great care. But, that does not mean that I don't long for you to be here with me.

From the beginning there were moments that I worried that I would ever hold you in my arms. Your beta did not double at first... We now know that's because you twin was not meant to be. At 7 weeks when we went in for your first ultrasound I was so worried there would be nothing there. But there you a beautiful flicker on the screen. At 9 week we saw you again a wiggling little bean on the screen heart strong and beating. You were here...

As time went by I documented our progress. Each Tuesday you were one week older and I was one week closer to meeting you. You gave me the desire to only eat healthy things... Even now "junk food" does not sound tasty. Your first movements are such a joy to me. I remember being at the Dakota office and I had a Pepsi (for like the first time in 7 months) . You went crazy kick me. Every-time, I think of that it makes me smile. I wish your Daddy had the chance to feel that too. He did love to tickle my tummy and make a Pillsbury dough boy giggle. It was so cute... I am so thankful for those moments.

I have to say because of my worries it was hard for me to fully give in to all the excitement that you gave to me. I only bought you a few things. Two outfits from garage sales and a toy. I had things that I was starting to pick out for you, but I just could not do it yet. Now I see that they would have only brought more sadness...

The hardest time for me is at night when I am able to lay comfortably in my bed. My back had started to hurt from sleeping on my side. Now, I am able to lay any way I like and it makes me sad... Last night we got together with friends. I had a twisted tea...it was so hard for me to drink it... It's like if I do those non-pregnant things it's making you go farther away from me...

You are so loved. You are a Joy so huge that my heart can hardly contain it... I am trying so hard not to let my sadness hold it back.

Your service was so meaningful. It renewed my hope that you will have a sister or brother on earth. I know that you will watch over us, and them as we try IVF again. The song "what faith can do" has been with us all along and we shared it with those who were there. I also shared my favorite Bible passage:

Lamentations 3:19-33

The Message (MSG)

It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

^19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

^22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

^31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard.

We let go of 50 balloons at your special place with Grandpa, Great-Grandma & Great Aunt baby Pamela. It was so beautiful. Your tiny body is buried in a special place and your heart is with God. Your Hope is in us as we move on in this journey.

Thank you so much for being my child. I love you... Mom

More about what happened...

2011-07-20T06:17:00.001-07:00

It all started a week ago...

I went to the bathroom a little after 4. I was having a bit of extra mucus discharge. I felt inside something just wasn't right. I call the Dr.'s office of course they are about to close for the day. I talked with the nurse. She thought it was nothing. But, made me an appointment for the next morning. Over the next few hours I had even convinced myself that it was nothing. I even called the answering service at the Dr. to cancel the appointment. Then I became more worried. So I re-nigged on canceling. I went to work in the morning. I was googling every possibility...it was not looking good.

I got to the Dr.'s office. He was running about an hour behind. We waited. I worried. The Dr. came in finally and examined me. It was as I suspected. I had dilated and my membranes were starting to emerge. Eleanna had a strong heartbeat. We were told to get to Rockford Memorial hospital right away. At this point I was still hopeful. I know that it is possible to "sew up the cervix" and hold the baby in.

Once we arrived they asked me all these questions, and about an hour later the Dr. came in. There were lots of tests to be run for infection before they could sew things up. We went in for an Ultrasound and Amniocentesis. During the ultrasound Eleanna was moving around a lot; her heartbeat was a strong 162 bpm. Since we were going through all of this we decided that we would find out that she was a girl. At that point both Todd and I broke down. It all so much more important that I/we do everything we could to save our precious daughter. I'm not going to the the amniocentesis was awful. It took 3 tries to get the fluid they needed to test for infection and chromosomal defects. But, I would have done it a million times if it meant she could have lived. Our pastor John was there as we came out of the ultrasound. What a comfort.

All afternoon we waited for test results. My WBC was up...not a good sign. I did have a badder infection. Which they believe caused me to dilate. The gave me an antibiotic shot to cure that quickly. As the day went on. We received results that there was no infection in the vaginal area which was great news. We were still waiting for results on the fluid. My Mom, Dad, Todd's Mom, Todd's cousin Jodi came to see us. I was feeling good that I was not having contractions and I could feel Eleanna moving. Fast forward to 10pm. They gave me a sleeping pill and I was ready to try and sleep for the night. Todd decided to go home and rest, get some things for a long stay and take our Dog Holly to his Grandpa's the next day. About 30 minutes later I decided to go to the bathroom for one last time for the night. I got up and just made it to the bathroom...my water broke... Shaking I pushed the nurse call button and kept saying hello, hello, finally someone answered. I said my water broke. I nurse named Angel came in. She sat me down. Calmly, I told her "my baby's is going to heaven". She told me that may not be the case... She left the room for a minute. I prayed out loud god please give me strength and please keep Eleanna safe. At that moment I felt a lot of comfort. They brought in the Dr. and she did an ultrasound. Eleanna still had a strong heartbeat and there was still about 16 oz. of fluid around her. She was head down and hold the fluid in and building up more all the time. There was still hope. I called Todd to come back in. He had almost made it home.

The next morning Mom & Todd came back in. The results came back that there was no infection in the fluid. Excellent news. The plan was to be on bed-rest and keep Eleanna cooking. Most of Friday morning she was kicking me in the spot where the amniocentesis was done. It hurt, but was good at the same time. Megan & Steve came to visit later... After they and Todd left they tried to get Eleann's heartbeat. We thought we found it, but now I feel she was gone at that point...

Saturday, another Dr. comes in she basically tells the same thing and says that I do not have to use the bed pan and can go to the bathroom. That morning I have a bit of bleeding and lots of mucus. It really worried me, but the nurses did not seem too excited. About 12 pm I went to the bathroom. There was something coming out. The nurse feared it was Eleanna's cord. They brough in the Dr. and did and ultrasound. I could see before she said...Eleanna had no heartbeat. I held tight to Todd's hand... Our little girl was gone. All our hard work...all those shots...all those rides to Madison...all those tears... She was gone.

They explained how things would go. And left us to have a moment together. We called pastor. I called my Dad. That may have been the saddest thing. I cold hear him hit the floor as I told told him we lost our baby...he was sobbing. I told him it would be Ok... I asked if they could come, and said that we would be able to hold her and I wanted them here. They came.

They gave me 4 pills that started the labor. I prayed the whole time that she would come quickly and that there would be no complications. It took about 90 minutes... 90 minutes and my body had removed all there was of Eleanna. They placed her on my chest. We all cried. After a few minuted I opened the blanket and saw her adorable feet. So tiny and perfect. The exact size of my thumb. I held her tiny hand. Her hand looked like mine long, thin fingers... She was perfect. I passed her to Todd and he held her tiny body and sobbed. My Mom held her too. At that moment I knew my one prayer had been answered I am a Mom and Todd is a Daddy. I am so grateful for those moments that we got to be with her.

A little while later "the Haven" came in they placed her in a beautiful lavender colored bunting, a hand made tiny blanket and a tiny little hat. They took pictures of her. Beautiful pictures of her that we will have forever. For that I am so thankful.

My best friend Courtney came later that evening. She brought me all that I needed including conversation, hugs & love. I'm so blessed to have a life long friend in her.

As a felt her weight in my arms I know I must do this all over again. The shots, the Dr. appointments. All of it. If I could start over again right now I would.

In the past few days many special ladies have shared their heart break with me. I know that I am not alone in this sorrow. Most have gone on to have other children. It gives me great hope that this chapter is not closed for us we are merely turning a page.

Again thank you all for your prayers & love. It is a difficult time, but I am full of hope and joy as well. There is so much joy that I could even get pregnant and have this child. While it does not out weigh the sadness. Hope for tomorrow does.

I am Mommy to an Angel...

2011-07-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon I delivered my beautiful baby Eleanna with my husband and Mother at my side. She was so beautiful. She had the cutest little feet. The moment I held her I knew that I must keep going on.

We will start another IVF process as soon as my body is able.

I do feel so blessed for so many things that I know that some of you here may never experience. I'm so blessed to have seen a BFP, so blessed to see a tiny heart beat at just 7 weeks, I'm so blessed to see a beautiful dancing bean at 9 weeks, I'm so blessed to have heard a strong heart beating at 14 & 18 weeks. I'm am incredibly blessed to feel what it's like to have a little life kicking me from the inside. I'm so blessed to have held the tiny hand of one of God's most precious miracles. I'm so blessed to have so many Family & Friends that love me and my husband. I'm so blessed to have a husband who would do anything for me. I'm so bless to have a Mother who would give up her work and everything to take care of me. I'm so blessed to have a Dad that only wants to take away my pain. I'm so blessed to have a best friend who would bring me good kleenx, deodorant and chocolate when I needed her the most. I'm so blessed to have God who loves and who I could feel around me every moment I was scared, and I could feel his sadness for me, and I know he will be with me we continue this journey to our earthy children.

I know that there will be moments where I'll be sad, mad, scared, etc. But, I know with God's abundant Grace I will have a child on earth. I pray that it is soon for my heart longs so much to hold my child every day.

While I know that Elanna will not be here in the flesh I feel her here with me right now. She gives me hope and strength.

Love you all...

18 weeks

2011-07-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

How Far Along: 18 weeks 3 days

Size of Baby: Head to rump, your baby is about 5 1/2 inches long (about the length of a bell pepper) and he weighs almost 7 ounces.

Picture of Baby: None this week. Our ultrasound is scheduled for July 29th.

Maternity Clothes: I have a bit more of bump now. I'm thinking that I may have to get some new clothes soon.

Weight Gain: Down another pound this week from the last time I was at the Dr.

Belly: Definitively looks more pregnant than chubby...

Stretch Marks: nothing new...

Sleep: Have had some leg craps at night ugh...

Best Moment of the Week:hearing the baby's heart beat again. And hearing the little critter moving around and making a thumping sound on the dopler.

Movement: I was definitely feeling some moving around in there on Wednesday after lunch.

Symptoms: still tired somewhat...

Food Cravings: This past weekend I had a real need for Chinese food, but I definitely had that craving long before baby.

Gender: Not sure & won't know till B-Day :)

What I Miss: Nothing really...

What I'm Looking Forward to: The weekend and vacation next week. And for Todd to be able to feel the baby move too. :)

Weekly Wisdom: Keeping cool when it's 90 degrees is important...

Milestones: Feeling definite movement.

Emotions:Excited to feel the baby moving....

On to the fun stuff...

2011-06-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

After some searching Todd and I found this bedding decor set that we both really like.

I like that it's cute without being to cutesy... I'm thinking that we will paint the walls a neutral tan color. I already ordered shades that are dark brown. We will also be getting new carpet. I think that we will go with a darker brown color for that as well (since it shouldn't show stains as much). Todd's Mom & Grandpa are helping us go all out for this room, and while I do think that it is a bit of a waste of $$ it may be our only chance for all of this fun stuff and I figure what the heck.

So now we will need to work on getting things cleaned out and re-organized. Of course I've been saying that for a while now.

I also ordered some of the retiring SU! "Play Date" scrapbook supplies & "Forrest Friends" stamp set to get a head start on the scrapbook. I'll be going to another scrap-booking weekend in Rockford with Todd's family in September so, it will be fun to have a project to work on for our own house. I've made lots of baby room decor over the years; it's fun to think that I'll be able to make some of my own things.

I also am finding it harder and harder to find things to wear so I'll need to do some purging and purchasing. I have bought just a few outfits for the baby at garage sales. I have yet to really purchase anything except diapers. I've been building up my stockpile of those with coupons and CVS bucks...

We have our next Dr.'s appointment next Tuesday. I'm not sure if we will do an ultrasound then or not I'll be just at 18 weeks. We won't be finding out what we are having, but it will still be exciting to see how much the little "critter" has grown since our last US which was only at 9 weeks.

After that I have Dr. appointment with my family Dr. and I plan to discuss with him my BP meds and weather or not I'll be able to BF or if I will have to use formula. I'm fine either way, but I would be nice to know if it will be a waste of our time to go to the BF class. My guess though is that we might not get an answer until we know how much medication I'm on at the end, and/or after the baby is here.

17 Weeks

2011-06-21T06:37:00.001-07:00

How Far Along: 17 weeks

Size of Baby: Baby weighs 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and she's around 5 inches long from head to bottom.

Picture of Baby: None this week. We do have an appointment next week I'm not sure if they will do an ultrasound or not.

Maternity Clothes: I have a bit more of bump now. I'm thinking that I may have to get some new clothes soon.

Weight Gain: Not sure.

Belly: If a wear a more form firring top you can definitely see a "bump"

Stretch Marks: nothing new...

Sleep: Have had some leg craps at night ugh...

Best Moment of the Week:found out our baby will have a cousin born right around the same time...

Movement: maybe?

Symptoms: still tired somewhat...

Food Cravings: Sour Lemonade...the stuff that you make from the frozen can.

Gender: Not sure & won't know till B-Day :)

What I Miss: Nothing really...

What I'm Looking Forward to: Registering and working on the baby's room.

Weekly Wisdom:

Milestones: I have a "bump"

Emotions: excited about what the future holds.

Marching to White Eagle Camp...

2011-06-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

This week I was inspired by a fellow blogger @ I'm living Proof God has a sense of humor...

She re-posted a blog about Summer camp & first kisses...

This week 4-h'ers from our county are gather at Camp White Eagle.

I went to camp for 4 years. I my parents could only afford to send me one year as a camper.

The other 3 years I was a counselor. Those weeks spent at camp were so much fun...

The first year I went to camp I was only years old...going on nine... I remember that my friend Deanna went as well. Our classmate Ryan also was there and his parents were "camp Mom & Dad". I did not participate too many other activities other than swimming. I even took basket weaving because that activity was in the pool...

The last night at camp there was a dance. Now remember I was 8. I had never been to any kind of dance... That night I danced with Ryan (who was homesick even though his parents were at camp...go figure)...We danced to "It must have been Love" Later in Jr. high and HS. That would be our friends song and I would pull him out on the dance floor each time the song came up...

To be continued...

16 weeks

2011-06-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

How far along: 16 weeks

Size of baby: According to baby center the baby is about the size of an avocado. 4.5 inches long and 3.5 oz.

Weight Gain: Haven't weighed myself

Belly: The people at church thought that I looked more preggers on Sunday so maybe it's staring to stick out a bit more now...

Stretch marks: Nothing new that I can tell..., but the round ligament pain at night seems to be happening...

Sleep: Now that the weather has cooled down sleeping is much better.

Best moment of the week: When the people at church said that I was starting to look more like there was a baby in there.

Movement: I did think that I maybe felt something Sunday morning, but it may just have been my stomach growling...

Symptoms: Round ligament pain...

Gender: We officially decided that we are not going to find out.

What I miss: Nothing at all

What I'm looking forward to: We are planning to do some shopping/ registering for the baby in the next couple of weeks.

Weekly wisdom: It sill not a great idea to brush you teeth before bed...uck...

Milestones: Starting to look "pregers" & making a few garage sale purchases...

Emotions: Getting more excited each week.

14 Weeks

2011-06-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

How Far Along: 14 weeks 1 Day

Size of Baby: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. According to Baby Center...

Picture of Baby: None this week. But we did have a Dr.'s appointment and the heart rate was 150 BPM.

Maternity Clothes: Started wearing a Bella band instead of a belt to hold my pants up...much more comfy.

Weight Gain: I've lost another 2# since I was at the Dr. 4 weeks ago...

Belly: Things a looking a little rounder, but Dr. said the baby uterus was way to the back so it could be a while before I have "bump"

Stretch Marks: nothing new...

Sleep: Definitely a little more restless at night...

Best Moment of the Week:Heard the heart beat at the Dr.'s appointment :)

Movement: Nothing yet...

Symptoms: They seem to be letting up as they should at this point. I'm not so tired and have my appetite back...

Food Cravings: Nothing really... I still really like bananas though...

Gender: Dr. Jokingly said that the heart rate was in "Girl Range"

What I Miss: Nothing really...

What I'm Looking Forward to: Maybe actually buying a few things for the baby now that we are in the second trimester...

Weekly Wisdom: Don't forget to drink lots of water on the weekends too...being "backed up" is no fun...

Milestones: Started the Second trimester...

Emotions: Feeling more comfortable about this pregnancy and looking forward to what to come.

13 Weeks

2011-05-24T05:11:00.000-07:00

How Far Along: 13 weeks

Size of Baby: baby is almost 3 inches long (the size of a medium shrimp) and weighs nearly an ounce.

Picture of Baby: None this week.

Maternity Clothes: Things are maybe staring to get a little tight around my waist

Weight Gain: Not sure I haven't weighed myself this week...

Belly: I think that I am able to feel my uterus now...

Stretch Marks: nothing new...

Sleep: Still sleeping ok

Best Moment of the Week: No more shots starting late last week!

Movement: Nothing yet...

Symptoms: They seem to be letting up as they should at this point. I'm not so tired and have my appetite back...

Food Cravings: Nothing really... I still really like bananas though...

Gender: not sure...I've had some strange dreams which are leading me to believe that it's a girl now...

What I Miss: Nothing really...

What I'm Looking Forward to: Our next appointment...it's been a while since we have had one...

Weekly Wisdom: When you not tired...clean...who knows when you'll feel like doing that again...

Milestones: Just about through the first trimester...

Emotions: Excited for a long Memorial Day weekend and our appointment on Tuesday.

12 Weeks

2011-05-17T05:15:00.000-07:00

How Far Along: 12 weeks

Size of Baby: ~length 2 in | 5 cm ~weight 0.5 oz | 14 g

Picture of Baby: None this week.

Maternity Clothes: Still feeling fine in my regular clothes...

Weight Gain: Not sure I haven't weighed myself this week...

Belly: Still looks pretty much the same...

Stretch Marks: nothing new...

Sleep: Ok...I do find that I have to get up to pee about 3 am, but then again so does Holly (our Dog)...

Best Moment of the Week: I finally bought something for the baby it was just diapers that I had a coupon for, but still it's something...

Movement: Nothing yet...

Symptoms: Still feeling a little "off", but not too bad. I'm still really tired and go to bed by at least 9 pm...

Food Cravings: Nothing really... I still really like bananas though...

Gender: not sure... Still thinking maybe a boy...

What I Miss: Nothing really...

What I'm Looking Forward to: Our next appointment...it's been a while since we have had one...and I'm finding my self getting nervous again...

Weekly Wisdom: It's never too early to start you diaper stockpile...

Milestones: Taking my last progesterone shot last night...

Emotions: Getting more nervous and hoping that time passes quickly between now and 5/31...

11 Weeks...

2011-05-11T05:27:00.000-07:00

How Far Along: 11 weeks, 1 day

Maternity Clothes: Still wearing my regular clothes.

Weight Gain: I was actually down about 20 lbs from my last weight taken in January at my Dr. visit on 5/2.

Belly: Maybe just a little fuller in the lower abdomen.

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I've always had.

Sleep: Still really tired in the evenings I usually end up falling asleep on the couch at 8pm.

Best Moment of the Week: Getting a Mother's Day card from a very dear friend. Thanks Jolene.

Movement: Nothing yet

Symptoms: Still feeling a little "off" in the evenings. But, I can definitely tell that it's getting better.

Food Cravings: Vegetables & fruit always sounds really delicious. I eat 1-2 bananas a day.

Gender: I'm not sure that we are going to find out, but my intuition is a boy. But, I'm not going to put money on it :)

What I Miss: Staying up till 10 pm. There are some great shows on at 9pm-10pm. Thank goodness for DVR.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Our next appointment on 5/31 and being able to hear the heart beat not just see it on the screen.

Weekly Wisdom: When in doubt pray and take a nap.

Milestones: Down to progesterone shots every other day this week.

Emotions: Still apprehensive, but looking forward to being out of the first trimester.

First appointment at "regular office"...

2011-05-04T05:14:00.000-07:00

So I had my first appointment at my regular Dr.'s office. I just met with the nurse. She gave me some magazines and a book. Then we went over a few things. Most of it I had already heard from the nurses at Madison.

I have an appointment with Dr. M on May 31st. We have decided not to do the early testing which is optional at 12-13 weeks. So, it will just be an examination.

At this point I am at 10 weeks. It's hard to believe that I am almost through the first trimester already. It all is going fast and slow at the same time. In 2 weeks we will be done with the nightly shots as well. I can't say that I'm not looking forward to that. :)

I got an award...

2011-04-27T05:21:00.000-07:00

Amanda graciously nominated me for this blog award....

She just recently started following my blog. Thanks so much for the "props".

So, here are the rules:

1. Link back to and thank the person who gave you the award
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award 5 stylish blogs you read
4. Contact them and let them know you've given them the award!

Here are 7 totally random things about myself:

1. I love new crayons & markers. I find myself buying them from time to time and taking them to Sunday School (where I teach) so I can use them with the kids.

2. I took piano lessons when 3rd grade through 8 th grade. I still enjoy playing but I don't have a piano of my own. I also used my talents to play the xylophone, chimes, cymbals, etc. in High School & Community College bands.

3. I love Disney movies. I have a large collection and watch them often on weekends when I'm cleaning and working on other things so I can sing along. My favorite is Pete's Dragon.

4. I played golf on the high school golf team. At the time in IHSA rules girls were allowed to play on both the girl's and boy's teams. I loved it when I could beat the boys at their own game.

5. I am totally addicted to "reality" shows like Teen Mom's, Survivor, the Bachelor, Keeping up with the Kardashian's to name a few.

6. I love cooking & baking. But, I also like the nights where we get take out.

7. I'd love to be a stay at home domestic goddess who gardens, cooks & volunteers, but alas the budget does not allow for that.

Stay tuned for my nominations :)

9 week US...

2011-04-26T09:34:00.001-07:00

We had our last visit at UW Madison Generations clinic today.

*in no way did UW- Hospital or clinics pay me for this mention. I just went there and received excellent care...

If you are looking for excellent reproductive care in the Greater Madison, WI area they are excellent.

On to our little "critter"... He/she was measuring at 2.04 cm or (8w, 4d) the heart rate was 168 bpm.

If I can get my scanner to work I'll post a picture. An intern was doing the US today and was not as proficient as Dr. Lebovic but He/she was really moving around.

I'll be moving on to the regular OB now for the rest of the pregnancy. My first appointment with them is May 2nd.

I can start doing the progesterone shots every other day May 10. I'll take the last shot May 17th.

Day before "Graduation"...

2011-04-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'll be at 9 weeks. All in all I am feeling good. But, still cautiously optimistic. I know that things still have a chance of not working out at this point.

I hoping that after I "Graduate" for the Dr.'s office at Madison and move on to my regular Dr.'s office I'll feel a bit more secure. I have not had any spotting or anything and after seeing a heart beating 2 weeks ago I know that I have a better chance of everything being just fine...than not.

I'll update again after the ultrasound tomorrow.

Eight weeks...

2011-04-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

So here I am at 8 weeks. Nothing new to report really.

I just keep praying that things are still growing as they should.

We go in for our final ultrasound at UW on Tuesday next week. Then they will release me to my regular Ob/Gyn. I will also be able to start weaning myself off of the progesterone shots then. I'm not sure how I feel about that I'll be glad because they really are starting to get irritating & painful, but also it was a good feeling taking them, because it was something I could "do" to help make sure things were Ok. I'm sure I'll be fine.

Honestly, this whole thing still feels like some sort of dream. I keep waiting till I wake up and this is not my reality. I'm not sure when this will change. I'm not even sure that it will. I kind of feel like why do I deserve this there are so many...(who have waited longer, might be better Mom's, have had so many losses...)

I feel so blessed to even have the opportunity to see a positive pregnancy test, and a heart beating on an ultrasound; that even if this does not turn out well I still will feel that all on this is a gift from God to Todd & I.

Thanks all for you prayers over these last couple of months I feel them every day.

***Good news. My new insurance carrier called and I was approved for continuation of care so my last two Ultrasounds will be considered in network as well. Awesome!***

First Ultrasound...

2011-04-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

Today we had our first pregnancy ultrasound. Right away when he was checking things out I could see 2 sacs. one for sure had something in it & beating. There was another sac but is was void of anything. The Dr. said that this was likely the cause of the low rise in the beta. I measured at 6w 1d which is a bit behind (actually 6w 6d), but that is "normal" at this stage...I was told. The heart rate was 115 bpm. Which is within the "normal" range as well. They did not give me any pictures this time. They said I would have something at the next ultrasound.

So, for the next 2 weeks I'm just supposed to keep the sticky bun cookin' :)

5 years ago...

2011-04-08T05:30:00.000-07:00

5 years ago we were in sunny Mexico at the ElDorado Royale for our wedding. It was a great day.

We had such a great time that week. The past several years our anniversary has been over shadowed by our infertility. And, while I sill have reservations about this pregnancy this year is by far better than it has been. My advise for the soon to be married. Don't try to have a Honeymoon baby...because, if it does not work out it kind of makes your anniversary a bummer.

Needless to say I am ready to make a trip back. Maybe for the 10th anniversary?

One thing is for certain. I married a person who's my best friend. I feel so blessed to have him as my family.

Ultrasound moved up...

2011-04-07T05:17:00.000-07:00

So, the Dr.'s office called. My Ultrasound will be Monday the 11th.

I've been feeling more symptoms this week. Just a bit of nausea in the afternoons not a lot just a little. And the Bbs are much firmer and a bit sore. Hopefully this is a good sign that things are progressing.

I'll let you know how the ultrasound goes.

Now we wait again...

2011-03-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

Not much new to report. The nurse called Monday to make sure that I knew to call right away if I had any bleeding. She didn't come out and say it, but I would suspect that is for fear of ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage. So far though I have not had any spotting since March 20th which was before my HCG tests so I would suspect implantation was the cause.

Now the only thing that is concerning me is that on occasion I'll have slight pains in my lower abdomen around the area of my left ovary it will be sharp and then quickly pass. It's mostly in the evening or if I turn a wrong way. It seems pretty "normal" from what I have been reading. It's nothing debilitating and certainly not constant it just makes me worry a bit... But, really I just think things are re-arranging themselves down there...

April 12th is the ultrasound I'm both excited and dreading it at the same time. Dreading it because I can't help but think we could get bad news. Excited because we may see something really great. Honestly, I think that it's normal for those in early pregnancy to feel that they are just one moment away from bad news. It's so hard not knowing what's going on in there, and whether or not to guard your feelings because you don't want to get hurt.

Great news today...

2011-03-26T07:10:00.000-07:00

I went in to have labs drawn again the results were really good hcg level @ 153 or something I was so excited all a heard was 150 something and was jumping up and down...lol...

Please pray the pharmacy comes through with my prjesterone injection I ordered it to come yesterday and it's still not here...

Not such good news today...

2011-03-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

Today I went in for my second Beta. It went up but did not double...

I'm so disspointed I know that this may not mean the end. I go back for another Beta on Saturday...I can only hope it goes up & doubles. To somewhere around 150...

All of this is so nerve wracking...I just want know...I think I could handle any result, but this middle of the road is hard...

So this is what one of these looks like...

2011-03-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

This morning I could not resist the urge to take a test. I did and this is what I saw. This is not my actual test, but this is exactly the kind I took. I ran right in to the bedroom and had Todd read it for himself...I was so excited.

I went in had blood drawn for my Beta. I told the lab tech that I wanted big, big numbers :)

I'll let you know what I hear later today.

This just in...

Beta...48.6 I'm right on track slightly below average of 50. Now we it need to double when I go back Thursday morning.

Shopping, Spotting, Praying & Hoping...

2011-03-21T05:19:00.000-07:00

This weekend a group of 4 of my long time friends and I went shopping. It was a nice day. It still is really hard to spend tons of time with them since they are all at another place than I. Between them there are 9 kids, and I find it hard to relate to them. I know they care and that they want me to be part of their "Mommy" club, but I'm just not..yet... We'll have a much better idea tomorrow.

At our last stop on the shopping trip I went to bathroom and noticed a bit a of brown spotting. Needless to say I made me worry a lot. I couldn't hold back the tears when I was telling Todd. I know that it could all be ok and just a side effect of the progesterone and not hydrating enough on Saturday. Even so, that is usually how my period starts, so it is very scary.

Later Saturday night we went to a fundraising service for my friends Dave & Heather who have been called to adopt a little girl. You can check out their website at http://projectfindher.org/drupal-7.0/ .

After the service our pastor prayed with us about our issues and returned my hope in the tests Tuesday. It's just so hard...not knowing. The waiting is awful. It's so easy to loose hope when nothing seems different except something that could be a bad sign.

The Beta is tomorrow.

Also, as suspected my blog friend Jen's beta was negative. Please pray for God's comfort and peace to be with her as she is now even more confused about what God has planned for her and her husband.

While I'm Waiting...

2011-03-18T05:40:00.000-07:00

This waiting I'm not going to lie is difficult. To this point I have resisted doing any home pregnancy tests. I hope to stay that way. At this point I would just like to know "for sure" so I'll wait till the Beta on Tuesday, but part of me does want that experience of seeing that BFP at home.

So far I don't feel any "different" I may have been feeling some slight twinges and such, but that may just me my intestines trying to "re-align" themselves after my tummy issues from last week.

So here I am still waiting. Please give some love to fellow blogger Jen who is going in for her beta today. She has done a few HPT's and the have been negative, so she is discouraged.

"I'm hoping for the best for you Jen"

While I'm Waiting-John Waller

2011-03-18T05:38:00.000-07:00

2 Embryos Transfered...none frozen...

2011-03-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

On Friday we transfered 2 excellent 11 & 10 cell, 3 day embryo's. The transfer went very well and the progesterone in oil shots have been going OK. I am finally well after some stomach issues. Yesterday my ovaries were still hurting when I would get up from or lay/sit down. Today that seems much better. I'm much less bloated and achy as well.

The lab called and the remaining 3 embryos were not of a good quality to freeze.

Honestly, in some ways it was a relief because after this cycle we will have to change clinic's since UW will be out of network. On the other hand it makes me worry about the ones we transfered. I'll just keep praying that they like my uterus better than a lab. Right?

I went to a closing ceremony for walk to Emmaus #125. I had went on the walk last November and it was such a blessing to relive apart of what I felt there. If you are interested in more information on walk to Emmaus check out the web site or ask me. It was a life changing event for me. Since, my walk I have never felt so loved & at peace in my life.

On the ride over I went with some of my great Sunday School "family" and Matt was joking around about how we hopefully had Klingons on board get it cling-on's. I can only hope.

We'll know one way or the other on the 22nd. It's going to be really hard not to do a HPT this coming weekend.

There is still hopes of doing other cycles at another Dr. if this doesn't work out.

Embryo transfer day...

2011-03-11T06:54:00.000-08:00

Today is embryo transfer day at 2pm.

At this point I'm thinking that we will transfer 2, but we'll see what the Dr. says today. Just think this time tomorrow I'll be "pregnant" until proven otherwise.

I have been feeling really ucky these last few days with a stomach ache, ect... Hopefully, that keeps getting better.

18 "Beautiful" eggs...

2011-03-08T15:01:00.000-08:00

The retreival was today... I'm feeliing pretty good I'm not going to lie when I move it hurts. I don't think I'll be at work tomrrow.

They we able to find 18 eggs before we left. They will call tommrow to let us know how many fertlized, and if they expect to do a 3 or 5 day transfer.

Getting closer to the end...

2011-03-07T05:10:00.000-08:00

Last night Todd gave me HCG trigger shot...

Today is my no shot day. It felt odd not to give myself a shot of Lupron this morning. Tommrow we will start the progesterone shots that with any luck I'll be taking for several more weeks (because I'm pregnant) :)...

We will be going in for our retrieval on Tuesday at 8:30am. Saturday there are still lots of follicles & a good amount were above 14mm so, I would think that we will have lots to work with.

I'm still drinking lots of water and Gatorade in the hope that hyper-stimulation does not set in.

We are hoping for a 5 day transfer, but that really depends on the embryos. If we are able to transfer at 5 days it would be Sunday that we would do the transfer otherwise it would be Friday.

Friday's update...

2011-03-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

We went in for another US and blood work today. We got there a bit early but they were able to get us right in.

I had a different Dr. today. I don't think she was a proficient as my regular Dr. None the less I still have lots of follicles. The largest ones are measuring at 17-18mm. The majority are at about 13 or so. I think that I'll be going back tomorrow, but I have to wait till the nurse calls back. It's possible that I take the HCG shot as early as Sunday and have the retrieval Monday. But, like I said before we'll see after the blood work comes back and the nurse calls.

I'll keep you posted.

Update...

2011-03-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

Went back up today. About 14 follicles were measuring at 10-13 mm.

They reduced my follistim to 50 IU and I'll be going back on Friday.

Other than that not much new to report.

Too much of a good thing?

2011-02-28T11:07:00.000-08:00

We made a whorl wind trip up to Madison this morning for blood work (estradiol) & an US to check on how things were progressing.

Good news, I have lots of follicles. The largest ones measuring at 10. Bad news, I am now I risk for over stimulation. I have yet to hear on the adjustments for my medication. I will for sure be taking a smaller doses and may not have to take both medications. Till then I am to drink 10 to 12 glasses of fluid and to make sure that I am also drinking electro lights ie. Gatorade etc. I am also supposed to weigh my self each morning and night to make sure I don't gain more than 5 lbs overnight.

So, we'll see what the rest of the week brings it's possible that the retrieval will be sooner than later.

***update. Follistim reduced to 100 IU. Back up to Madison Wednesday morning. ***

Three shots...not so bad...

2011-02-25T10:52:00.000-08:00

Last night I had to do the additional 2 shots for the day.

Not too bad. I can't have Todd watch... Wednesday when we went up for the baseline I knew I would have to give my self the shot in the car before we went in that morning... I was mustering up my courage to give my self the Lupron and he starts laughing at me... I proceeded to call him a Jack A$$ and went ahead with the shot. So, last night I prepping all the meds he's sitting at the counter... I'm like are you going to watch? He say "What do you not want me to..." I'm like no...you aren't nice...lol...

I did the 2 evening shots no problems. I must be pretty ok at giving them I don't have many bruises.

Medication for my medications...

2011-02-24T07:42:00.000-08:00

So, now that I am 3 weeks in the thick of this whole process I have to say that this RX process is the worst part of it all. I'd gladly take 6 more shots a day not to have to deal with the pharmacy :P

It was 30 minutes before the pharmacy closes for the day I was still trying to get my Luveris ordered and shipped to me TODAY. I don't think that they full appreciated that I NEEDED it for TODAY! In the end I have it coming today and it's OK, but seriously I don't need this stress.

I'm just going to keep praying that this is all I need, and I don't have to deal with them again.

Sometimes I think I may need another RX for anti anxiety meds due to the issues with getting the Rx.

Tonight I start the Follistim & Luveris we are on our way. I'm not sure yet how many follicles they are seeing yet. I'll keep you posted. My next US and blood work is Monday. Till then the shots will keep going...

Baseline...

2011-02-23T11:28:00.000-08:00

I had the baseline US today. Everything looked as it should.

They did make some changes in my medication. I will be taking more Follistim than originally planned and they are adding Luveris to my shot list. If you're counting I'll be taking 3 shots starting tomorrow. Fun stuff.

Here I thought my saga with the pharmacy was over. But, now I'm here hoping that it all goes through ok so I can get this additional med. I am SO grateful that insurance covers the meds, but customer service there is poor at best.

So, we'll see how that all turns out. I'm sure it will be fine it seems to have a way of being ok in the end...

You'll always have enough...

2011-02-17T07:42:00.000-08:00

Matthew 14:20 (The Message)

^18-21Jesus said, "Bring them here." Then he had the people sit on the grass. He took the five loaves and two fish, lifted his face to heaven in prayer, blessed, broke, and gave the bread to the disciples. The disciples then gave the food to the congregation. They all ate their fill. They gathered twelve baskets of leftovers. About five thousand were fed.

Last night I was called to remember that God provides "our daily bread" and no matter how little you have he will make every thing you need possible. When you need it. Which is the hard part. You may think you need...right now..., but our plans/ timing is most certainly second fiddle to what God has in store for me and you...

This is so true for Todd and I. When we were told about a year ago that IVF was really our only chance at having a biological child from the both of us. I knew that we did not have the funds in our bank account to afford such an expensive treatment...months went by...be thought about our options, like asking our family for a loan, restructuring our debts, and finally Todd talked with his work about cashing in vacation time.

I have to think that I may not have had my whole heart into stabbing my self each day with needles and having my "you know what's" examined, prodded, etc. had I not had all this heartache. It's the heartache that made me listen to God's calling out to me get to church...it will help you'll feel better while you are waiting... It's the heartache that has drawn me close to many others both in my "real" life and online that are going or have gone through the same struggles. It's because of this...I hope that I've been a positive influence on others...

After all of this... things have come together, we were able to restructure our debts & cash in some of Todd's vacation time. I can only imagine that God had his hand in all of this. After 4 years of being on this journey I finally feel like my "old self".

Even if this cycle does not work out I know that we have other options. Not that they will be easy. But there are options.

Given our odds for success by our Dr. and how this all came to be... I can only hope that we will get a BFP in a month and we will be starting a new chapter of Pregnancy and Parenthood.

One shot down...

2011-02-11T05:57:00.000-08:00

gave my self my first Lupron shot this morning. Not too bad. The shot didn't actually hurt at all.

The injection site kind of burns and itches now...not anything more than a bug bite.

let the stabbing begin...

2011-02-10T10:50:00.001-08:00

My Lupron arrived!

Tomorrow I will do my first shot...

I'll try to post a picture of the meds and such for posterity...after all this trouble to get to this point.

I might as well document it. Right?

Of course nothing can ever be simple...

2011-02-09T05:53:00.000-08:00

This time last week my part of the world was covered in LOTS of snow...

Crazy amounts of snow...

My Meds were to be ordered that day...needless to say that put some things back a bit. Monday we went Madison to learn how to give my self shots and Todd had to learn about the shots he would be giving me as well... I think that he is going to enjoy this a bit much :) probably payback for the times a have hit, scratched, etc. in my sleep...lol...

We also had to see the therapist...it seems that over the last 5 years we have pretty much talked about all the tings she mentioned...

Then later Monday I found out that the place where I required by insurance to order my meds from had no Lupron (which is the first one I have to take) I spent all afternoon Monday call the insurance company, Dr.'s office and pharmacy to find out what I could do about it... It finally came down to I would have to order this med from somewhere else and hope that all my calls would help me get reimbursed for it.

God must have been listing to the prayers going up for me... the original company called me from a different location in NJ and they were able to get me the Lupron. I'm still waiting for it to arrive which is a bit unnerving...but, it will get here on Thursday. It has to...

On our way...

2011-02-01T06:49:00.000-08:00

Friday I went back up to Madison for and US to see if my lining slimmed down and that all was quiet in there...

All looked good and I was told by the IVF nurse yesterday that the ultrasound also showed that I have "awesome ovaries" will not require as much medication. Which in turn means less $. I have managed to meet my deductible and then some in January, so we will be ordering my meds later this week, and I be starting with the lupron on Feb 11th. My baseline US will be Feb 23rd and I will start stimming (with FSH) on the 24th. The first week of March I'll be heading to Madison pretty much each day until the retrieval sometime around March 7th. Depending on the retrieval date the transfer would then be the 10th or 11th. The Beta testing will be on March 22nd or so.

Which if you are keeping track of this...the EDD would be November 28th if all goes according to plan...

I have to say that this all is getting pretty exciting...It's getting harder not to get my hopes up too much in all of this, but after all we have done to get to this point it's good to see it all coming together... And honestly either way I feel so blessed to even be able to try this... Not to say that I won't be disappointed if it is a bust...

Hysteroscopy, thick lining and meds oh my...

2011-01-17T11:29:00.000-08:00

Last Monday I went in for a Hysteroscopy. I was not very pleasant, but not as bad as I thought it would be. The test revealed that my uterine lining was too thick for CD5 and they needed to test some of the tissue to make sure that it was nothing serious. Wednesday, I went to my regular oh so fun OB/Gyn for a pap. Friday the results came back from the tissue sample and revealed nothing cancerous. I am now on provera for the next 10 days to make me have another "period" I will then continue with the nortrel and then start on lupron & FSH for the IVF. If all goes well my egg retrieval will be sometime at the end of February first of March. I will be testing mid March.

After this cycle, if the results are negative I will have to consider going to another clinic/ Dr. because our insurance plan will be changing and where I am going will be out of network. So, at this point I really, really, hope that this works the first time.

Oh come let us adore him...

2010-12-28T06:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to deny it... Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year for me...

I love the baking, the gift giving, the card making, the time with family...

This year I wasn't going to put up a tree. We just hadn't gotten around to cutting one with the weather and Todd plowing snow. And, I just wasn't into it...

In the mean time...Todd sister said she'd like to come to our house for our family's Christmas... It was crunch time and I has to decorate... One good thing about waiting till the 18th of December to decorate...everything was 50% off. We got a nice "fake" tree...it's one of the skinny ones and it looks great. I also got 2 smaller trees for on top of our entertainment center. It all looks fun and festive. I'll be making prime rib on New Year's day for our "Christmas" we will be going sledding with our nephew... It should be another great time with family...

The above picture is of the same nativity that I have. I leave it up all year. It's on top of a hutch and it is not in the way, but it is a nice reminder of the greatest gift of Christmas. God love in the flesh... I would suppose that yuletide cheer pales in comparison. When I start to think about the whole reason for the season...it helps... What doesn't is all the talk of Christmas is just for the kids, etc...

As we start the new year Todd and I will be going through IVF treatments. Hopefully, it will only take one time. At this point I feel so blessed that we will be able to do it. I know first hand that even those who have insurance cannot afford the opportunity. We have had to make some big sacrifices to get to this point, cashing in vacation time, scrimping and saving, asking relatives, etc... Either way this works out...I'm at peace knowing that we did all we could. If the answer is no...we'll be sad, disappointed & frustrated, but at peace living as a family of 2. I know that adoption could be an option for us, but I'm just not feeling that it's where God is leading us. If it was I would be open to it, but until that point we're not.

Blessings for 2011!

Sometimes it all seems so trivial...

2010-10-25T09:25:00.000-07:00

On Friday a blog that I frequent for awesome card ideas announced that her husband passed away after a very short battle with cancer. She has so much faith and hope for God plans for her and her young sons. She is truly and inspiration. My god bless her in the coming days and may she feel the comfort for the holy spirit as she grieves the loss of her best friend, partner and father of her children.

If you want to visit her blog:

http://paperpleasing.typepad.com/my_weblog/

It's at times like this that makes me so glad that we are healthy and together. Life can be so short and I hate to feel like I'm wasting it on unattainable dreams...

Window Shopping for HOPE...

2010-10-20T05:26:00.000-07:00

Over the past 2 day 2 fellow IF'ers @ Can I walk with you... and @ Beckie's Infertility Journey have written about browsing in the baby sections of stores dreaming about being able to make purchases.

Above is a picture of a diaper bag that I covet... It is uber expensive and not anywhere near my price range, but I love the way it looks. Love how it reminds me of Marry Poppins bag... I can't help, but drool every time an e-mail comes in abotu their outlet sales...and the bags are a bit less expensive.

I also find myself dreaming when I'm looking at pottery barn kids...there too is not in our price range wither, but I figure is you are going to dream...dream big... And, it's not like I do this with just the baby stuff it's other things too...I don't know how many random items are in internet shopping bags across the net with my name on them...

But, I never put the baby things in there...when it comes to the baby items I am strictly just looking...I have a strict policy about no baby stuff at my house. It was a big stretch for me to buy a glider rocking chair at a garage sale. There have been many times that I have resisted to buy baby things especially when I see them on clearance for just a few dollars... In the first few months on TTC I saw this adorable blanket in the clearance isle for something like $2.00...I really wanted to buy it...but, I resisted...I figured...you get so many of those things when you have a baby shower...and you said no baby stuff in your house till you get a BFP....now here I am getting closer to 5 years later...I'm glad I didn't buy the blanket...it would be in some closet...I just know I'd come upon it and cry...cry because I may never have a baby to use it...cry because it's been in there so long...

Unfortunately, I think part of me did bring that blanket home that day...I still think about it all the time...I can tell you what color it was and how it exactly looked...it's still there kind of haunting or taunting me...

Not that this looking is all bad...sometimes it gives me hope. I look around at all the baby stuff and think yes I will be making a purchase for my baby someday.

I really had big hopes for this year. It started off good with us making the decision to go to the reproductive endocrinologist, but as things progressed we have realized that IVF/ICSI is really our only/best option for having a biological child from the two of us.

I've tried so hard and prayed so much about what we should do...and nothing is making me feel like it's the right thing to do. I want adoption to be an option for us, but at this point the thought it only is making me angry at God. It makes me feel like why God would you want us to adopt when I have such a desire not only to be a Mom, but to also have a pregnancy...why would you let this other person get pregnant if her child is meant for us...

Blah...

2010-08-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

At this point I'm just and feeling down. I just don't feel like doing anything...I just feel like things are never going to change for us. I feel like maybe we should just get used to the way our life is and move on...but, as I am typing this it's making me cry, so I don't know...

Sunday I went to a water park with some friends and their 3 little boys 5,4 & 3. We had a very fun time and I was not sad all day. I had a great time and I loved it... Next week I will be going on a little vacation with my Brother, SIL and my niece. I'm sure that this will be a great time too.

My husband has been a coach for Jr. Tackle football (5th & 6th graders) for the last 15 years. He has now moved on to be the defense coach for the Jr. High team. I am excited for him, but I can't help but think of all the years I sat watching all his other games watching Mom's with babies in their strollers thinking next year this will be me...now that's never going to happen...

I just want this to be over one way or another...I'm so tired of waiting...

So little to say...

2010-08-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say right now. I had a wonderful Birthday spent with family and friends. My "big" gift was a Wii...I know seriously, how old am I? But, I do love it...I'm totally addicted to Mario brothers...

I have to say that I've been a bit down in the dumps...not because I turned the big 30, but because that's how it is with milestones these days. They all keep reminding me how long I have been waiting. At my party there was as many kids as there were adults...it can be so hard, but I am glad they were there...

I started reading the book eat, pray, love with the hopes that I finish it before the movie leaves the theater... So many things ring true in this book with how I feel myself...you know the whole feeling lost it this great big world...

2010-07-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

These pictures are from my hometown...I live here now. We only had about 12" of water in our basement and I feel very fortunate. I have seen Pearl City flood 3 times in my 30 years and this by far is the worst flooding ever. We had over 14" of rain in a 2 day period. This is a link to an article in our local paper:

http://www.journalstandard.com/features/x1419036729/Area-farmers-reeling-amid-major-f-loods?photo=0

Pearl City, IL is a small town of about 1000 people our pride is our school, and fortunately, it has been spared. This is the kind of place that draws you in because people care about other often more than themselves. I grew up here and each year more and more of my 50 highschool classmates come "home" to raise their families. It's funny how life does that some times...in highschool all anyone can talk about is getting out of this town. We go to college and spend a few years away and then come back home...

Please pray for our sweet little town. Homeowners here are unable to get flood insurance because Pearl City is not in a flood plain. We are told that our area has been considered a disaster area and make us able to receive emergency aid from the government, but with the state of IL on the verge of bankruptcy it may take years for anyone to receive their benefits.

Kaboom Playground...

2010-07-26T17:37:00.000-07:00

Saturday, July 17th Todd and I helped build this playground for the kids in the westview housing projects. It felt so great to help the more than 200 kids who live here. Many have parents who won't or don't take the time to take them to a park. Now they can safely just go out their doors and play on this awesome playground. It felt so great to give just one day to help.

Kaboom is a non for profit organization who's goal is to have a park within walking distance of every child in America. If they are building in you neighborhood I encourage you to help.

To myself at 40...

2010-07-08T05:34:00.000-07:00

I got the idea for this post Jamie over at Sticky Feet. Check out her blog...love her, & her cute kiddos'...

This month I will turn 30. After Jamie's inspiration it only seems fitting that I try and write a similar letter at this turning point in my life. While I am a bit envious of Jamie's knowing that her family is complete I still think that it's a good idea to put this down on paper.

Dear Rachel-

At this point you are 40. Wow, I can only imagine what life is like. At this point there are still a lot of unanswered questions in your life that I hope have been answered. Either way I hope that your faith has been strengthened and that you believe that you are on the path God has chosen for you.

I hope that you take a little time to be thankful for your many blessings. I'm sure that these last 10 years have also been met with heartaches. I'm sure that Grandpa Earl and Grandma Parkinson are gone now. I'm sure that you feel so blessed to have had them in your life for so long.

Don't loose sight of your inner creativity. Making crafts brings you such joy and I would only expect that to continue. I hope that you are taking the time to travel and spend time with your friends and family who have been through it all with you. I hope you have made new friends along the way. I hope that you have been on a fishing trip with Todd, Dad and Steve. Always remember how much Todd loves you and how much you love him. He has been your strength throughout all that you have been through and will go through.

Don't give up your love of children no matter how your infertility journey continues. I know how hard it has been recently I can only hope that all of this ends in joy, but if it doesn't you must find joy elsewhere. Do your best not to be bitter about what could have been.

If you are a Mom... Remember to say yes as much as you say no. Give advise freely to your kid(s) and tell them why you feel this way. Encourage them to have big dreams and lots of them since we all know some will have to be "scrapped"... Hug them and thank God for them everyday. Always remember how difficult it was for them to be here when they are being naughty and don't listen.

Pray every day. Not just for your self, but others too. Strive to be less judgmental and more helpful even to those who seem helpless. Never loose your child like attitude, blow bubbles, color in coloring books, jump in the pool...

With love and sincerity....

Rachel

my Wordle...

2010-06-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

Get your own Werdle.

Do you know what it feels like...

2010-06-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

Lately I have added a few more to my Blog Roll... I find great hope in those who are going through the same trials... I makes me feel like I'm not odd or going mental or something.

This amazing perspective was posted by Beckie. Take a look...

Moving forward...

2010-06-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I called UW and updated my cycle...

We will be trying at least one more natural IUI... Had I called earlier I would have probably tried the femara, but since I was past CD 3 there was no point in it...

I'm sorry if my last post had a bad tone...but, sometimes you just have to get all those feelings (you know the ones that you're not supposed to talk about cause it's not nice...) out there so I can move on.

After this cycle we'll see what happens and go from there...after reading some re-search IUI is considered successful if pregnancy occurs any time in 1-6 attempts...so, I feel giving the at least 1 more attempt is warranted...

Sometimes it's good we remember that we are not alone in struggle for infertile couples the book of Job often comes up...

Job 6:10-12 (The Message)

Pressed Past the Limits

^8-13 "All I want is an answer to one prayer,
a last request to be honored:
Let God step on me—squash me like a bug,
and be done with me for good.
I'd at least have the satisfaction
of not having blasphemed the Holy God,
before being pressed past the limits.
Where's the strength to keep my hopes up?
What future do I have to keep me going?
Do you think I have nerves of steel?
Do you think I'm made of iron?
Do you think I can pull myself up by my bootstraps?
Why, I don't even have any boots

Job 11:13 (The Message)

Reach Out to God

^13-20 "Still, if you set your heart on God
and reach out to him,
If you scrub your hands of sin
and refuse to entertain evil in your home,
You'll be able to face the world unashamed
and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.
You'll forget your troubles;
they'll be like old, faded photographs.
Your world will be washed in sunshine,
every shadow dispersed by dayspring.
Full of hope, you'll relax, confident again;
you'll look around, sit back, and take it easy.
Expansive, without a care in the world,
you'll be hunted out by many for your blessing.
But the wicked will see none of this.
They're headed down a dead-end road
with nothing to look forward to—nothing."

Sometimes I think that you have to loose it all to gain it all...if you have everything then what is there to hope in God for?

I just don't know how I feel...

2010-06-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

I would suppose that sad, mad, disappointed, jealous, tired, emotional, alone, apprehensive, confused and loved would sum it up...

I know very well that our odds of this IUI working were very small...but, it was possible...I gave in to my better judgement and let my self hope a little too much...

Now the problem is that I don't know what to do...do we try this again or save up for IVF? Or, do we talk/ think more about using a donor?

Of course it doesn't help either that AF shows up in all her glory with cramps and heavy flow...

I haven't had the heart to come out and say officially to Todd that it didn't work, but I think he knows...

I hate that it's me who know first can't I be broken the news gently...nope, I'm for the like 50th time find out that I am not going to be a mother with cramping, bloating and the mess of it all...

Yep, instead of getting to make my husband his first Father's day card I get to stock up on maxi pads and tampons...whoo hoo...oh and I almost forgot I also had to make a trip to the baby department to get a gift for my best friends second baby...fun times...

I'm sorry for all the venting, but I just had to get that all out there...

I was reminded today of this verse...and I try so hard to remember...but, it's hard...hard because I am not certain what God is asking...

Lamentation 3:20-24

I will never forget this awful time,

as I grieve over my loss.

²¹ Yet I still dare to hope

when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

His mercies never cease.

²³ Great is his faithfulness;

his mercies begin afresh each morning.

²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;

therefore, I will hope in him!”

The beginning of an emotional week...

2010-06-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

So, I am 98% sure that this past IUI will not result in a BFP...

My best friend Courtney is due to deliver her second child any day now...

We are doing a total re-vamp of our financial situation...

Seriously, can I just catch a break?

I've been really good about not letting this all get to me..., but at this point it seems that I must either cry about the situation or be a "nasty witch" of a person who I don't even like.

I was really hoping that this might be our time. It was nice to think the very real possibility that this was it...for like a whole week I was happy and more optimistic that I had ever been in a long time.

At this point I just don't know what our next step should be. Another, IUI with or without clomid, or IVF...which we won't have the $$$ saved up for about 10 months...or do nothing at all...and move on...

I just wish God would let me know what I should do...at this point...I feel like I am taking 1 step forward and more steps back. I have faith that good things will happen for us but, why does it have to be so hard. How many more times do I have to visit babies at the hospital before I get to have one of my own? Don't get me wrong I love my life. I love my family, but can't help but want more. I'm not sure that I will ever really feel complete without having my own child...even if this road leads us to adoption/fostering I don't know that I'll ever feel "whole"...it is even very possible that if we are able to have a child through IVF that I will be "over it"...

I'm dealing with all of this pretty well but at times I'm still mad...mad that I can't just go off the pill and get pregnant within 3-6 months...I'm mad that I have to "deal with this"...I'm also sad...sad that I feel this way...sad that I just can't believe...sad that I can't always just not think about it...just when I feel that I whole heartedly do believe...I doubt...

Our life in fragments...

2010-05-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

Well, despite our best efforts and expensive supplements...our DNA fragmentation got worse...

At this point our best chance for having a child would be IVF...

We are still going ahead with trying the IUI but with a 1.5% chance of it working I'm not too hopeful...

We are now working to re-structure our debts to see if we will be able to somehow squeeze the funds out of our already tapped out budget...I hate the stress of all of this...

"Mother's Day...continued"

2010-05-11T05:58:00.000-07:00

For interfiles I suppose that we can take this day on several different tangents. For me I have always (even before IF) had feelings that mother's day is for my Mom and Grandma...

Last year, was a bit harder since my Mom was on vacation for Mother's Day and we went to a local restaurant and they were giving cake and a flower to all the mothers...they put me on the spot and asked if I was a mother...I had to decline...

That stung a little but, I got over it by telling my self maybe next year...

So here I am at next year...I did not go to church...I knew that the kids choir would be singing a rendition of "you are my sun shine" or some other I love you Mom song...and I just don't think that my poor little heart could take it...

Oh well this too shall pass...each year this IF stuff gets easier, but at the same time it makes me worried...worried that it doesn't hurt so much...like it means that it's not going to happen so become at peace with it...

A couple of weeks ago in Sunday School we were talk about "aha" moments when you know God is telling you you are on the right path or this is the path you should be on...I ask how do you know when you have doubts that you are on the right path weather or not it is God telling you to "do something else" or "just be patient" or if is the devil trying to sneak his way in a ruin "the plan"...

My one friend who know's my struggle said that she prays that God will not make it (what I going through) hurt so much if it not meant to be...since then I've wondered if since I'm not feeling so bad is this not meant to be?

But, then I think no...I think that I just have a "thicker skin" when it comes to this stuff...not that it doesn't hurt it just doesn't hurt as much (meanig that I'm not bawling my eyes out weekly) or when things hurt they just hurt that much more...

Mother's Day

2010-05-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

“Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,

for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she works hard for just a chance,

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,and yet she still has hope;

everyday is another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

I found this on Tiffany's blog...

She is truly an inspiration.

Thanks

What IF I hadn't had fertility issues?

2010-04-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

I would have a 3 year old.

I would possibly be pregnant with #2.

I wouldn't be in church so much.

I wouldn't have my dog Holly.

I wouldn't have experienced Stampin' Up! Convention in 2008.

I wouldn't have made such great friends.

I would be having play dates instead of nights out with the hubby.

I may not have realized how perfect that my husband is for me.

I wouldn't have been there for others with infertility.

I wouldn't have read so many blogs.

I wouldn't have so many questions for GOD.

I wouldn't spend at least a little part of every day wondering if I will ever be a mother.

I'd be eligible to have cake at the local restaurant on Mother's Day.

I may not have cried so much.

I wouldn't be who I am today.

Book Sneeze Book...

2010-04-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

I Just received my first book from Book Sneeze... I have to say that this is so much fun...

You sign up...get a FREE book....read it... and write a review on you blog...how fun is that?

My First selection is the book "Wild at Heart"by John Elredge and is more directed to the Christian man, but I am also finding it very enlightening...

Stay tuned for my complete review later this week or so.

Happy Monday!

Do you ever wonder or wish...

2010-04-08T11:48:00.000-07:00

Milking "Bessie", 1900
It appears that this farm wife changed
into her "Sunday Best" clothes to have
this picture take.

Sometimes I really wish I had been born in another era...

Now I know that life was harder and mortality was shorter. But, I can't help but feel sometimes that I am in the wrong time frame. I have domestic skills taught to me by my parents that would go to much better use in a time gone by.

I can imagine my days starting with farm chores and making a hearty breakfast for my husband. We would go back to chores and daily tasks of washing, ironing, cleaning and such... I would make a lunch for our family and those helping... The evenings would be spent knitting, sewing and the like.

I'm sure that our IF would be harder too... So little was known about all of that...I would just be at church each week praying to God for a child...all the while thinking that I had done something to deserve this... All the while the town's folk talking behind our backs...saying it's such a shame...and then having unfortunate orphans given to us because we have the room...

Here in the present some may say it's a shame, no orphans have made it our doorstep and here we are 4 year into our loving marriage still praying to God for a child, Hope and Answers...

Now in these 4 years I have had some answers and still have Hope, but some days I still wonder are my hope futile? Are my dreams too big? Is the answer NO and am I just not hearing it...

A big week ahead...

2010-04-03T05:34:00.001-07:00

I have to say that I'm meeting this coming week with a bit of apprehension...but, also a lot of joy and excitement too...

This week we will go in for our IUI at this point I'm feeling good about it...either way...

This week Todd turns the big 40...

This week is our 4th anniversary...

so maybe...this week I'll get pg and next year it just won't be the 2 of us celebrating all these things...

No road is without it's bumps...

2010-03-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

I suppose that is almost always true...

For us it seems that insurance is another bump in the road...

As it stands now...there really won't be much difference in what we have to pay for this procedure, but it will affect our deductible...since, my insurance recently changed networks...

...with a lot of luck and many prayers we may not have to have another procedure...and this will work the first time...but, odds are not on our side...and I'm all about being realistic...

If this would not work then we will need to look into changing to a Dr. that is in network and there are just not that many choices out there...

I am trying my very best to be optimistic and I hope so much that this will work the first time, but experience tells me that it won't but, there is always a chance that it will...

IUI...

2010-03-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

So, were are to be making a big step next month...

...IUI...

This will be a natural cycle...so, I will have to use OPK's and when a get a positive reading around CD 13-14 we will go to Madison for the procedure...then we wait for another 14 or so days to see if it worked...

Honestly, the actual wait is what has me more apprehensive than the procedure. Right now I'm trying to find a place where I can balance the hope that this will work with the very real possibility that it will not work...

Eventually you'll feel lucky...

2010-02-15T08:06:00.000-08:00

This weekend we had attended a visitation (wake) for Todd's Aunt's (by marriage) father. Todd's cousin Jeremy was very sad...and rightly so. Being there brought thoughts back to my Grandpa Meiners' funeral and passing...

The fist thing that comes to me to tell him is that "soon you'll feel lucky"...and I asked if he "knew what I ment?" He said he did... That's the thing with grandparents that pass. Yes you are sad they are gone. Yes you miss them. You think of them when you see their picture or that gift they gave you as a child. But in the end what I've been left with is a feeling that I was so lucky to have them in my life. So lucky to share 7up on a Sunday night, or conversations of days gone by...

One would suppose that this would be true of most anyone's passing once you get past all of the regrets, sadness and mourning... Some take a long time to get there where others start out here.

All this makes me think in all of this that I'm going through...will I feel lucky...maybe...but, right now not so much...